Do Men Really Care How Many People You’ve Slept With?

My ex-boyfriend and I were having that conversation for the first time.

“It bothers me you’ve had sex with a lot of people because it makes me feel like when we got together, I could’ve just been anyone,” he said.

I was taken aback. We’d been dating three months already and were having what I thought was some of the best sex I’ve ever had—the kind of intimacy and connection I’d never had before.

I tried to explain to him that my sexual history was irrelevant to our now. Our relationship wasn’t just some fling, and I cared about him deeply.

In the past, I slept around much more carelessly. Most of my one-night stands were closely tied to my alcohol abuse, but it had been years since I had a sexual experience that I regretted because I knew myself so much better.

At the same time, there have been times where I’ve slept with someone just because I wanted to.

There have also been times where I didn’t want to sleep with someone at all. When I was heavily drinking, or I felt pressured, coerced, and I didn’t know how to say no.

My partner knew all of this about me. I couldn’t help but feel like his issue with my sexual history was more about his insecurities than it was about our relationship.

He admitted this too. That rationally, he didn’t care, but something about it made him uncomfortable.

Women have to adhere to impossible standards. We’re expected to be skilled in the bedroom, be sexy, seductive, act like porn stars, but be good and virtuous on the outside.

Men, on the other hand, get to be complicated. They have more freedom to sleep around and are praised for their sexual prowess.

In our modern world, much of this is changing. Women are more liberated both sexually and socially than we were twenty years ago. So, why is it that we are still met with judgment even by the people closest to us?

Shortly after that relationship ended—unrelated to our sexual history conversation—I asked one of my guy friends what he thought about my ex’s response.

He told me that a big part of why a man might be bothered is because they have been hard-wired to care more about the physical aspect of sex rather than the emotional one. Back in “cavemen days,” men needed to know the child was their own to continue their reproductive line. If a woman slept around, how would they know they were the father?

“But to me,” he said, “that only explains my initial feelings of jealousy. Of course, after that feeling passes, I don’t care about her number. I actually like a woman who’s explored sexually and knows her own desires.”

We talked a bit about how what matters more is the person’s reasoning for sleeping around.

One of my ex-boyfriends used to have a different Tinder girl over to the house every other day before we met. The week after we broke up, I found out that he was back at it again, partying and sleeping around.

Part of why we broke up had to do with the fact that he was very emotionally unavailable and would pull away any time something difficult came up.

Perhaps the fact that he used sex to distract could have been a warning sign that he wasn’t mature enough to be in a committed relationship.

As a bisexual woman, I’ve also had this conversation with my female partners. Their sexual history has never bothered me. I always try and approach the conversation with genuine curiosity.

I’ll ask questions like: how do you view sex and intimacy? Are you able to have casual sex just for the physical aspect?

Have you had sex you didn’t really want? Why?

What are your kinks and fantasies?

That’s what I’m interested in beyond a number.

I don’t care how many people you’ve slept with; I want to know if you’ll be able to communicate with me both in the bedroom and in other aspects of the relationship.

I want to know if you’ve spent time getting to know yourself, alone, and with other people.

I want to know what turns you on and what gets you excited.

I want to know if you’re willing to accept me for all of who I am—the me who enjoys sex, the me who used to also struggle with numbing and addiction, the me who wants to hear about your past, too.

If someone cares how many partners you’ve had, and they still can’t accept it after talking about the why, then maybe it’s a sign you have different views on what sex means. And that’s okay. Sometimes two people are just not sexually compatible.

Do men, does anyone, really care how many people you’ve slept with?

I think the better question is do you want to be with someone who cares? Do you care?

We have to know ourselves and what we’re comfortable with first and foremost.

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Previously Published on medium

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