When I got married 5 years ago I never for a second thought we’d ever separate, they say love is blind and it’s true. If you are not keen you’ll ignore all the red flags.
Within the first couple of weeks of us living together, I could see my husband in a way I didn’t see before.
At some point, he completely changed and the man I fell in love with wasn’t there anymore. I experienced a side of him I never knew existed. For the 4 years we lived together, he was never even once the sweet amazing guy I fell in love with.
It was as if he was pretending to be the kind of man I would want while we were dating and then he went back to being himself once he got me.
I should feel stupid for falling for him right?
And I did for years but at some point I just had to stop and see him for who he was. The fact that I believed and loved him when he was just deceiving me the whole time doesn’t have to be the end of me. Because I can still love, live, achieve my dreams, and be an amazing woman.
Like Katt Williams on Club Shay Shay, I’ll have to say I don’t know why liars lie.
Why would someone tell you that they love you when they don’t?
Again like Katt; No one knows why liars lie.
When it comes to love you can either be blind to everything you see or open your eyes and make the right decision.
Here are 20 questions I’ve found helpful when dating and before marriage.
These questions will help you know your partner better.
And please don’t just go to your partner with a list of questions, that’s savage. They’ll probably get offended or tell you what you want to hear.
So be smart about it, one conversation at a time, and for some of the questions you don’t have to ask, just observe and get your answer. Avoid being deceived for years.
1. Can You Describe Your Worst Fear in This Relationship?
Trust isn’t only about the other person; it’s about us. Trusting someone with your fear is like giving them the blueprint of your soul.
2. Picture Your Partner 20 Years From Now. Do You Still See Them?
The test isn’t about superficial beauty; it’s about the values and core qualities that endure the test of time.
3. If Money Was No Object, What Would Your Ideal Life Together Look Like?
Financial aspirations might differ, but discovering our dreams in the resource-abundant soil of imagination can yield a shared vision for our path forward.
4. How Do You Handle Disagreements? Can You Give Examples?
A marriage is no stranger to disagreements. Sharing past conflicts illuminates both your individual and collaborative problem-solving approach.
5. When We Disagree, How Can We Best Support Each Other?
Unity in disagreement is the mark of mature love. Learning how to support one another through these moments is important if you want to endure as a couple.
6. Think About the Last Time You Felt Misunderstood. What Happened, and How Did You Resolve It?
Misunderstandings, when untended, grow into rifts. Reflecting on these teaches us how to navigate the scary waters of the unspoken.
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Our values and beliefs aren’t a series of checkpoints; they’re a path, leading us to who we are and what we stand for. Walking this path together strengthens the bond we share, bringing us closer even as life pulls us apart.
7. How Important Is Religion in Our Lives and How Might It Affect Our Relationship?
Differences in faith need not divide, but they do demand a discussion. Harmonizing spiritual paths is an important journey of its own.
8. What Role Does Family Play in Your Life, and How Do You Envision Our Family?
Families aren’t external entities but they are a part of us and they are different for every person. Understanding our roles within each family and in the family we might create is crucial.
9. If We Were to Face an Unplanned Pregnancy Today, How Would We React?
Society often scripts the ‘right’ response, but these are the moments that reveal our instinctive, unfiltered selves.
Show Me the Money
Finances in marriage are like the uninvited guest: always present, often overlooked.
How we manage money is emblematic of how we manage life’s practicalities, and in understanding this, we’re less likely to be caught unawares.
10. How Have Your Past Financial Experiences Shaped Your Views on Money?
A window into the formative moments that defined your financial misunderstandings.
11. Do You Have Any Outstanding Debts or Financial Obligations?
Transparency about past skeletons is the bedrock of a financially healthy partnership.
12. In a Financial Crisis, What Would You Consider Essential Spending?
Our emergency provisions not only speak to our priorities but to our ability to withstand life’s ‘problems’.
Intimacy
Intimacy isn’t a simple word; it’s the entire spectrum of connection, from the light touch of hands to the complex connection of two hearts. These questions encourage us to explore the depth of our shared moments.
13. What Does Intimacy Mean to You, and How Important Is It in a Marriage?
Intimacy is important in a relationship, and its forms may differ. Discussing its weight in the relationship can align your expectations.
14. Can You Share a Fantasy or Desire That You Haven’t Yet Discussed?
Discussing this can help to strengthen your emotional connection.
15. What Emotion Do You Most Fear Experiencing in This Relationship?
Vulnerability isn’t weakness but a leap of faith. Understanding our fears gives us with the strength to embrace them.
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Trust is the invisible third party in every marriage and is formed through openness.
16. Have You Ever Been Cheated On, or Have You Cheated? What Did You Learn?
The painful lesson of infidelity, whether experienced or witnessed, leaves a lasting imprint and sharing these stories heals.
17. What Would Be a Deal-Breaker in Our Relationship? Why?
Identifying the threshold points where our relationship might falter equips us with awareness and mutual commitment to our boundaries.
18. Have You Ever Withheld the Truth From Me for My Sake? If So, Why?
Well-intentioned secrets can be as corrosive as lies. Discussing past instances of selective reality opens the door to a future of honest sharing.
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Marriage is a step forward into a future that, come what may, is easier when mapped out together. This final set of questions is about our dreams and ambitions.
19. Where Do You See Us in 10 Years’ Time?
Foresight isn’t only for kings and seers; it’s for every couple seeking to build a life together.
20. What Personal Growth or Life Goals Do You Hope to Achieve During Our Marriage?
Marriage isn’t an island; it’s part of a vast archipelago of goals and dreams. Understanding these is to know where our shared journey lies.
Sometimes we get into a relationship led by impulse and haste and to some these questions might seem intrusive. But the time for vulnerability is now, not after the rose petals have been swept away and the honeymoon videos are stashed in a drawer.
It’s in these moments of doubt and self-reflection that we find the seedlings of a love that’s built to last, to weigh the elements not through sheer force of will, but through the understanding brought by asking, honestly, these 20 simple questions.
So, before you march down that aisle, armed with nothing but your affections and best intentions, sit down with your love and discuss the silent narratives that live within. For in keen contemplation lies the secret ingredient that turns two into one.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Rafaella Mendes Diniz on Unsplash