Towards the end of his life, C.S. Lewis married an American writer named Joy Davidman. Sadly, Joy Davidman contracted terminal bone cancer and passed away just four years later. At one point during this unfolding tragedy, a friend of C.S. Lewis said to him: “I know how hard you’ve been praying. Hopefully, God is answering your prayers.”
Lewis replied, “That’s not why I pray. I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. Prayer doesn’t change God; it changes me.”
Prayer doesn’t change God, it changes me.
— C.S. Lewis —
I wonder, have you ever thought about prayer like that? If you’re anything like me, then maybe you spend a lot of time presenting your requests to God in prayer: “Lord, help me pass my maths exam, please take away this headache that I have, help me find a car park on Christmas Eve at the shopping mall,” and so on. We ask God for stuff, or we ask God to change situations and circumstances, perhaps.
But, this quote by C.S. Lewis got me thinking: What if prayer was not only about petitioning God for his intervention in our circumstances and to bless us with the things we want and need? What if prayer was actually designed to change us — to transform us, to change our hearts, to renew our minds. What if there was a way of praying that actually resulted in us being changed from the inside out. And if there was, would I even want to pray that?
I mean, I’m cool with God taking away my headache, but do I really want him to take away my bad attitude? Do I really want God to stretch me and take me out of my comfort zone? If prayer were actually a conversation where God and I talked, rather than a transaction where I asked God for stuff as if he were some kind of transcendental Santa Clause in the sky, it might actually mean I’d have to change. That kind of prayer sounds dangerous and risky.
And that’s because it is.
You didn’t think that prayer could be dangerous, did you? But there are certain prayers that carry with them great risk. It’s the prayers that actually transform you.
Praying these prayers will ultimately please God, lead you to a more righteous life, a life of adventure and purpose and mission — but, on the way there, you’re likely to experience things like loss, sacrifice, or even pain. You will be stretched, you will be challenged, and you will be confronted. These prayers will lead you through a refiner’s fire and reveal your true heart. It will show whether or not your faith is fool’s gold or real treasure.
These prayers are not for the faint-hearted but for the brave.
One of the most dangerous prayers found in the Bible is a famous prayer of Kind David, found in Psalm 139. David prayed this prayer after his enemies were attacking him and his credibility. I wonder, have you ever had your credibility attacked? Have you ever had someone spreading lies about you? Instead of getting all defensive and trying to stick up for himself before his enemies, David takes the matter to God and asks God what God thinks. This is what David prayed:
God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Now, if ever there was a dangerous prayer, this is it. This is an invitation for God to take a good look inside, to investigate your life, to put your life on the stand, and cross-examine it, so to speak.
Danger! If you pray this prayer, you may hear some things you don’t want to hear, and you may have some things pinpointed for change. There are four parts to this prayer that I’d like to unpack.
Search me, God, and know my heart
When we pray this, we are really asking God: “God, what’s really going on in my heart?” Why would King David ask God to search his heart? And why would we ask God to search our hearts?
Well, it just so happens that, as people, we are pretty good are deceiving others, and what is more, we are pretty good at lying to ourselves: “This is the last time I’m going to do this, “I don’t gossip — I’m just trying to help people sort out their problems! I’m ok, no, really… I’m fine!” Or we might convince ourselves that we are really good at this thing or that thing, or maybe really bad at this thing or that thing. We are really good at lying to ourselves sometimes.
But, when we pray, “Search me God and know my heart,” we are inviting God into the space where we aren’t being honest with ourselves. We are saying to God: “Lord, where am I lying to myself?” When King David prayed it, he may have been saying to God: “Is there any truth in the horrible things my accusers are saying about me?”
It’s a dangerous thing to pray because God may put the finger on some things in your heart that are not right — things that you need to sort out. I wonder if you would be brave enough to pray, “Lord, where am I lying to myself.”
Search me, God, and know my heart.
Test me and know my anxious thoughts
In the second part of this prayer, King David says to God: “Test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
When David prays this, he is asking God, “God, where am I afraid? God, reveal my fears to me. What am I anxious about?”
Now, why would David pray that?
What we fear most reveals where we trust God the least. If my biggest fear is failure, what does that say about me and my relationship with God? If my biggest fear is rejection, what does that say about me and my relationship with God? Ultimately, when we ask God to uncover our anxious thoughts, God, in turn, is inviting us to trust him more in those areas.
1 Peter 5:17 God invites you to cast all your cares — all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all — on Him, for He cares about you with the deepest affection and watches over you very carefully.
I wonder today, what is it that really makes you anxious? What are your biggest fears? Would you be brave enough to ask God to bring them up for you so they can be addressed? God, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Now, that’s a dangerous thing to pray!
See if there is any offensive way in me
The third part of this prayer is one that you’ll really want to stay away from if you want to play it safe. In the third part of this payer, King David prays, “See if there is any offensive way in me.”
What is David saying here? Basically, he is asking God to reveal his sin. God, show me anything in my life that is inconsistent. God, show me what I am doing that is displeasing to you. God, show me where I am not loving or kind. A dangerous thing to pray — But, you know we should go there.
Here are three really helpful questions to ask yourself when you’re praying “See if there is any offensive way in me.”
What are others trying to tell me about me?
Are there things that people who love you keep trying to tell you? A good friend will tell you when you have something stuck between your teeth, when your fly is undone, when you need to put on deodorant — and hopefully more important things like: “You have a bad temper… you need to think before you speak… you need not be so critical… you need to lighten up!” What are the things that you hear over and over again? (Not just once off). By the way, the members of your immediate family and close friends are the best at providing this kind of feedback. Listen to them.
What have I rationalized?
That is what things are you doing that you are saying, “It’s no big deal, it’s not hurting anyone.” Are there things that we are doing that we just try to explain away?
Where am I most defensive?
Where do I most arc up when people try to talk to me? It is when people confront me about my attitude? My level of generosity? My work ethic? What really causes you to get defensive? Chances are, they are pointing to something that you need to deal with there.
“See if there is any offensive way in me.” Are you brave enough to pray it?
Lead me in the way everlasting
The final part of David’s prayer says, “Lead me in the way everlasting.” When David is praying this prayer, he is asking God to help God re-focus his vision on things that really matter. He is saying, “Give me an eternal perspective and lead me down a path to which even death is no real interruption.”
How often do we fall into the trap of focusing our lives on things that are not really that important in the grand scheme of things? And how many of our problems and anxieties would seem more manageable if we perceived them as momentary compared to eternity. And how much of our striving and performing and earning would seem trivial if we understood the temporary nature of everything we see around us at this present time. Lead us in the way everlasting.
When we pray “Lead me in the way everlasting,” we are inviting God to lead us to some different conclusions about how we should live — namely, living your life based entirely on the idea that this life is not all we’ve got. Are your eyes fixed on the everlasting?
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Don’t do it! It’s dangerous!
If you want to live a safe, boring, and provincial faith — one that never grows you, challenges you, demands anything from you, changes you — then you’d best opt out now.
If you want to continue in your prejudices, your biases, and your narrow-minded thinking, then do not pray these prayers! If you want to continue in the same cycle of toxic patterns of thought, then do not pray these prayers! If you want to maintain the destructive patterns of behavior in your life, then do not pray these prayers!
These prayers are only for people who want to change. I wonder, would you be brave enough to pray prayers that can change you? Dangerous prayers? Would you quit praying for safety and start praying for change?
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Jack Sharp on Unsplash