Suppose everyone loves your spaghetti sauce. Your grandmother brought the recipe from the old country. Your family raves about it. Your friends go back for seconds. But one day your sister’s friend joins the family dinner.
She swallows her first bite and says, “I think this sauce could use more oregano.”
Defensiveness invites rebuttal.
Unexpected criticism invites defensiveness. You do your best at work and the boss suggests minor improvements. Or your sister’s ungrateful friend comes to dinner.
Defending yourself lowers status:
- You should enjoy the sauce and keep your mouth shut except to say thank you.
- Everyone loves my sauce!
- How much spaghetti sauce have you made?
- The oregano is in the cupboard. Help yourself!
Alternatives to defensiveness:
- Express Gratitude: Thank you for your observation.
- Seek Clarity: What makes you say that?
- Pursue Solution: How might I address this issue?
- Listen actively: I hadn’t thought of it that way. Tell me more.
- Ignore it: Pretend you didn’t hear the criticism and change the subject.
Two universal responses when defensiveness rises up:
#1. Pause.
Defensiveness doesn’t defend anyone.
Knee-jerk reactions are seldom useful. The person who says everything on their mind multiplies trouble. You don’t need to express yourself. Pausing slows self-sabotage.
#2. Rely on prepared words.
Wisdom prepares for the inevitable.
Know what to say before discomfort grips you. Preparation enables composure.
When I feel on the spot, my prepared ritual begins, “Thanks for saying that.” I raise my eyebrows. The ritual gives me time. I might add:
- “Tell me more.”
- “Let me think about that. I’ll get back to you.”
- “What brings that to mind for you?”
What are some destructive expressions of defensiveness?
What do you do when you want to defend yourself?
Read: How to Defeat the Subtleties of Defensiveness
8 Behaviors Defensive Leaders Overuse
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Previously Published on leadershipfreak with Creative Commons License
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