Do You Love Them or Do You Love Their Potential?

I met my last boyfriend, a man we’ll call Steve, about two and a half years ago. At the start, he was charming and conscientious. We shared many views, we had common interests, and there was strong mutual attraction. As the months went on, however, he postponed dates. He was sporadic in his communication. Affection dwindled. He employed intermittent reinforcement to ensure I felt bonded to him. He insisted I share every facet of my soul with him while offering me nothing in return.

I’m a smart woman, but I stayed because he’d created an environment in which I saw potential. I knew, I just knew that if I was patient enough, he would follow through on all of the promises he had made. He kept me focused on the future, on how great things would be one day, rather than on the current reality, in which he treated me like crap. But he had treated me well at one point, and I knew he could treat me well again. We were a great match on paper, and the chemistry was potent. I had hope for the future we could have. There was potential.

I think that the ability to assume positive intent and seek out the best in a situation are strengths.

Sound familiar? If you’ve ever found yourself shattered after being ghosted by someone you clicked with, or if you’ve refused to give up on a dead-end relationship, or you’ve been heartbroken when a friend you’re crushing on starts to date someone else… There’s a good chance that you had such a strong reaction not because of the reality of the connection, but because you were invested in its potential.

First, understand that you’re not alone in this behavior, and in fact I think that the ability to assume positive intent and seek out the best in a situation are strengths. That said, in this particular kind of scenario, clinging to potential can generate intense dissatisfaction and unhappiness, so let’s take a look at why we as humans do this.

One of the key psychological approaches that explain why people stay in unsatisfactory relationships is cognitive dissonance. According to Leon Festinger, individuals experience discomfort when their beliefs and behaviors are inconsistent. For instance, if someone believes they are in a meaningful relationship but experiences frequent conflicts or unhappiness, they may rationalize their choice to stay by focusing on the potential for improvement rather than the actual current state of the connection.

In the case of Steve, I was desperately unhappy with the reality of the situation — having to beg for attention, always being the one to initiate contact, never able to pinpoint exactly why he stayed around so I could do more of it, and unsure of my status in his life. When he deigned to give me his attention, however, it was potent. It was my drug. And once in a while we went through a relatively peaceful phase during which I could say that things were great. I cared about him deeply, and that meant something to me. I believed that it could and would someday be good, and so I stayed. I was utterly and completely focused on our potential and therefore blinded to the reality.

It was very hard to let go of the notion that things would somehow work out, reality be damned.

People also cling to the potential of relationships because of their investment in them. According to psychologist Caryl Rusbult’s Investment Model of Commitment, commitment to a relationship is influenced by satisfaction, quality of alternatives, and, as mentioned, investment. Individuals may remain in a relationship despite dissatisfaction if they believe the investment — be it time, emotional energy, or shared resources — justifies their hope for future improvement. This model suggests that individuals weigh their commitment against potential future benefits, often leading them to stay in suboptimal situations.

Looking back at Steve, I was heavily invested in our relationship. I was all in. I’d put in a hefty amount of time into learning to please him — or trying to, at any rate. I’d adjusted my behavior. I’d learned his likes and dislikes. I dressed the way I knew he liked. Having done all of that, it was very hard to let go of the notion that things would somehow work out, reality be damned.

It’s important to note that hope for change in a relationship is not inherently bad. All relationships go through hard times, and it is normal to hold hope that things will improve. A 2019 paper by Song et al. found that individuals who elevated hope, otherwise known as positive illusion, for their partners’ potential exhibited greater relationship satisfaction over time, even in the face of challenges. However, this hope can be double-edged, leading to continued investment in a relationship that may not be reciprocated. It can lead to prolonged dissatisfaction and emotional turmoil when the reality of the relationship does not align with expectations. Research by Anderson et al. (2012) highlights that individuals who remain in unsatisfactory relationships based on potential often face issues such as chronic stress and anxiety, which impact their overall quality of life.

Next time you find yourself in a connection that is causing you prolonged grief, ask yourself why you are staying. Is it because you love the person and genuinely believe that things can and will improve? Or are you invested in the potential of what could be and yet is not?

Same goes for a breakup or a ghosting that truly distresses you. Are you mourning the actual human? Or are you mourning what could have been? Both are absolutely normal, because you feel what you feel and it’s valid. But sometimes acknowledging that the grief is for something that never was allows us to heal and move on to something beautiful that actually is.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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