Does Anyone Else Miss Flirting?

Last night, I had a lovely dream that I was flirting. I was sitting around with a group of people, and this man and I kept catching each other’s eye. At one point, our hands brushed. He smiled at me and raised an eyebrow.

I leaned in to kiss him, and he mouthed, “Not yet.”

It was sexy as hell.

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I haven’t dated anyone new for about a year. I go back and forth about whether or not I want another relationship right now, and what I’ve finally come to realize is that I simply don’t know.

It’s totally okay to not know. What I do want though is some flirtation.

The problem with dating apps

For the past two years, especially at the start of the lock down, the only way to meet and flirt with new people was through dating apps. I used them for a while to chat with people, and after having conversations about Covid precautions, I went out with a few people.

I got off them not long ago though because because it felt like each relationship that came from them was too much, too fast… without enough space for flirting.
My experience with apps is that you go into a conversation knowing — or at least thinking you know — what you’re looking for. You message each other for a bit, and then you meet, hopes and expectations high.

If the “chemistry” is there, then you meet up for a second date and, before too long, you get into a romantic relationship. If there’s no immediate chemistry, you don’t meet again, and you say goodbye forever.

Is it true “you just know”?

Some will argue that you know right away if you’re compatible with someone, if there’s chemistry. Maybe you’ve heard people say, If it’s not a “hell yes,” it’s a “hell no.”

The thing is, for me, it’s not always so clear right away.

Maybe it’s my demisexuality or sapiosexuality or whatever other label I could use to explain the way I tend to approach meaningful connections — but for me, physical attraction does not equal chemistry.

Neither does a “good vibe” always mean chemistry. Yes, spending time with another person may feel good right off the bat, but that doesn’t always mean a good relationship will ensue.

…for me, physical attraction does not equal chemistry.

Conversely, one or both of people may be nervous as hell on a first date. When you’re nervous as hell, you tend to be guarded which, of course, can block any good vibe that might otherwise be present.

In any case, dating through apps doesn’t give much space for vibes to grow organically, and they don’t give a lot of room for play.

Apps are out — so how else to find flirt partners?

Due to the pandemic, there have simply not been the same kind of opportunities to gather with other people, so flirtations have been nearly impossible to come by organically.
Recently, I reconnected with an ex, and though our relationship checks some of the same boxes as flirting — for example, we’re attracted to each other, we’ve acknowledged the attraction, and we’ve made only slight moves toward each other — we are missing one big piece: it’s just not very fun.

We broke up for a reason, and though I still respect him, we’re just not compatible in some important ways. I know that already, which kinda ruins the feeling of possibility, and that’s a pretty big piece of flirting IMO.

How do we meet people now?

Events have started opening up again. I’ve been cautious to step into them, but I’m starting to take a few risks.

I went to a Munch the other day, for example. At a Munch, kinky people gather in a “play-free” (read: no sex) space to meet and chat… and potentially flirt. This particular event required attendees to be vaxed, so it felt relatively safe in that regard.

My social anxiety, however, was another story. After two years of connecting with strangers mostly through Zoom, it felt pretty overwhelming, and I spent most of the night talking with the three people I attended the event with.

At one point, another pair came over to introduce themselves to us, and we all chatted for a while — but overall, I was too nervous to do much flirting.

Still, I attended the event, and I tend to think that simply setting an intention is the first step to changing a trajectory. So here’s to taking that first step —

World, I want to flirt again!

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Do you miss flirting? What are you doing to engage in light-hearted, playful conversations these days?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.