Does Chemistry Really Matter?

We sat across from each other in a dark, candlelit bar.

He was telling me about how even though he loves his job, it’s not where he sees himself in the next five years.

“What about you?” he asked. “Are you where you want to be?”

He leaned across the table and touched the rim of his glass and then his eyes locked with mine as he took a sip.

It should have been a moment. I could feel it was meant to be a moment. The candles, the lean, the hand movement, boozy from the cocktails, the other couples on dates around us…

But instead there was…nothing.

No “spark.” No urge to lunge at him from across the table. And no real desire to open up my heart and soul emotionally right then and there either.

It was our third date. I was still trying to figure out how I felt about him, but something just felt like it was missing.

Later, we ended up in a small pub, sitting in a corner of the room, talking.

Our body language felt more reserved. He kept himself close to the table, I leaned back with my legs folded over each other. There was no moves to try and inch closer to one another. There was no light touching or lingering eyes. It felt like a conversation between two friends, like I could ask him how his date with that chick went the other night.

On paper, he was a lot of the things I’d actually been looking for.

He was kind. He was funny. He had a good job and had ambitions. He was cute, not my usual type, but cute. And I liked that he didn’t seem afraid to be himself. He wasn’t constantly trying to impress, which was refreshing.

But…I didn’t feel excited about him. I didn’t feel that passion.

There just wasn’t any chemistry.

Part of me wonders: how important is “chemistry” early on? It was only three dates. Maybe it would develop over time.

I always hear these one-off stories of two people who didn’t actually like each other much at first, one of them ended it because there was no chemistry, the other got them back, and now they’re happily in love and engaged.

Other people tell me that some people are slow to warm. They might be shy. If you have enough in common, passion can come later.

But also, isn’t three dates enough to know if there’s a spark?

Is it too much to want compatibility and want to jump their bones? Or am I closing myself off to someone potentially wonderful?

I don’t want to have high expectations. But I also don’t want to settle. I’m not sure how to tell if I’m doing either.

I don’t want to say no too early and cut this off short, but I also don’t want to waste time on something that isn’t a hell yes.

I was intending on not dating this year but we actually met organically, which is also perhaps why I’m holding on to this possibility for something to blossom.

I also wonder if he feels the same. We texted a little since our date, but neither of us have tried to make plans again.

Maybe we are better off just as friends.

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Previously Published on medium

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