I was thinking about this at breakfast this morning while reading an article about an incident that occurred on a Zoom chat during a class at the UNC School of Law. It happened during a discussion of colonialism in America and it went downhill pretty quickly. It was going to be a difficult conversation under the best of circumstances and Zoom Chat is anything but that.
Part of the reason is that the Chat is happening in real time, with limited opportunity to pause and reflect. Similar conditions to a text exchange. There also was no opportunity for either side to hear or see the other person. Yes, I know Zoom has a video feature but who knows if the cameras were on or how big the images appeared on the screen.
This meant that tone of voice, facial expression and body language, those critical factors in effective communication were missing. The conversation could still have gone poorly but, without these extra inputs, the chance of this not happening goes way down.
So, think about how you read a text from your wife or she reads one from you. There shouldn’t be much chance of misinterpreting, “I’m running late, will be there in fifteen minutes” or “I’m stopping by Target, do you need anything?” Anything more involved and you’re asking for trouble.
But even these seemingly straightforward messages can cause problems. So much depends on the frame of mind of the reader and you have no idea what that is when you first hit send. What was the state of your relationship when you last saw each other? What has it been like for the last days, weeks, months?
If it’s been less than ideal, know that will color the lens your wife reads your messages through.
My client Sam experienced this when his wife let him know she was headed out for a long weekend with her friends. He told her, “I don’t want you to go”. He meant that he would miss her, but she interpreted it as he was forbidding her from going. Those exact words could mean either depending on the lens you’re reading them through.
Sam and his wife barely spoke to each other for two weeks after she got home. Yes, he could have been more artful in his message. She could have been more charitable in her view of it. But the overall state of their relationship wasn’t great at that time so how it all went down was entirely predictable.
Yes, texting is convenient. It can also put distance between you, so you don’t have to deal directly with anything perceived as conflict. But that’s also what makes it problematic. Trying to deal with challenging stuff without contextual cues makes it harder than it needs to be. And the longer you avoid the tough stuff, the worse it gets. And communication by words alone becomes more prone to misunderstanding.
The result isn’t pretty—or loving.
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This post was previously published on Foundations Coaching and is republished on Medium.
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