I recently came across a journal from when I was a freshman in high school.
I’m grateful that I took most of my L’s in private — ranting about them in a journal instead of posting them on Twitter — but still, embarrassing.
There was one entry, in particular, that got me.
I want a boyfriend. I want someone to hold my hand, and write me love notes. I want someone to hug and kiss without being awkward. I want someone to call me beautiful and love me no matter what. Where can I find a guy who will do that?
Well, for starters, not in my freshman class of barely pubescent boys.
My main problem was not that I wanted love and companionship. It was something even adults struggle with —
I wanted a relationship only for the sake of having a relationship.
It wasn’t about growing together, building a future together, or mutually adding to one another’s lives. I wanted someone who would fit the role I cast for him — the role of being a loving boyfriend.
As a teenager and young adult, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted in a guy, but very little time considering what I could add to a potential partner’s life.
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Too many people date in a self-centered way.
It’s all about me — what I want and what I need in a partner.
Too many young women write a narrative of their “perfect boyfriend” and then try to mold an imperfect person into him.
A girl I knew was shamelessly guilty of this. She had an idea in her head of the relationships she wanted. Loving, sweet, committed, a big house, and a white picket fence. The man as the breadwinner so she could chase her passions.
With his mentality, she shuffled through several different boyfriends in high school and college. The second a guy didn’t fit into her mold, because he had his own ideas about the future he wanted, she was over it and onto the next “perfect boyfriend” a few weeks later.
Now, this is how most teenagers think.
The problem? Many adults think this way, too.
Rather than taking the time to self-reflect, we focus more on what we want to get out of a relationship.
We all have our fantasies and ideas about what a relationship should be and how it should enhance our lives. We seldom think about the sacrifices it will require to maintain a partnership: how we will forgive when things go wrong, what we’re willing to give up to make the relationship work, and how we plan to serve the needs of the other.
For any relationship to work long term, both parties need to maintain a mindset of loving and serving the other.
Without this level of selflessness, a relationship will never survive, let alone flourish.
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Final thoughts
This is why I say don’t date if you want “a boyfriend.”
A boyfriend is not something you go out and find on the street or buy at the department store.
A boyfriend (or girlfriend) is a whole other human being with their own wants, needs, desires, and dreams. If you aren’t prepared to make sacrifices and compromise for the good of the relationship, “a boyfriend” is never going to become anything more than a temporary relationship bound to end in heartbreak.
If you do want to be in a relationship, know why.
You should not get into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It should never be about getting “a boyfriend” but getting into the right relationship for you.
Some considerations to make before getting into any relationship:
- Are you in a healthy place (emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.) to begin a new relationship?
- What positive qualities are you bringing to a potential relationship?
- Are your expectations for a partner realistic?
- Do you want a relationship for the right reasons?
- Are you truly looking for “a boyfriend” — or the right relationship for you?
If you can answer that question beforehand, you are far more likely to find yourself in a happy and healthy place later down the line.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: René Ranisch on Unsplash