Don’t Date More Than One Person

Call me conservative. But I believe that I could never have built the relationship that I am in if I hadn’t taken it seriously from day one.

It all started six years ago. Ben and I met in a philosophy seminar at a small university. We hit it off immediately and took it very seriously. We never had the discussion clarifying that we would “date exclusively”. We never formally decided that we were now a couple. I once awkwardly asked him when it was already abundantly clear. Our anniversary is the date we first kissed.

When we met, we were both ready. We were willing to commit. We knew where we were standing.

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If You Date Multiple People, You’re Creating an Impossible Situation

Tom is hot, but Tim enjoys cooking. You share your love of model aircraft building with Tom, but Tim is more fun when your friends are around. Those may sound like valid concerns when it comes to casual dating. But no worthwhile relationship will come out of such considerations. People don’t gradually commit. They commit fully or not at all.

There is a well-known pattern that after a rebound you can get together with someone new. You are ready to commit. The reason this seems to be the case is that it is almost impossible to transform something casual into something serious. This is not only true for relationships, but also for business efforts, family, and other things. Either you find a way to make a radical change (like going through something life-changing together), or it will fizzle out. Commit fully or not at all.

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This Approach Will Liberate You

It may sound constricting at first, but it is actually liberating. Being very clear about what you expect to get from this relationship helps you to communicate that clearly to your partner, and to yourself. Dating multiple people is something that insecure people often do, out of fear of being alone when they get dumped. They thereby communicate this insecurity. The relationship is more about themselves than about the partner.

Conflicting feelings about relationships are normal. They are tricky enough to navigate if you focus on one person. So try to figure out what you want before taking it out on unsuspecting suitors!

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Communication Is Key

Without pressuring them into following your model, you can let the person you date know that you are dating only them from the start. You can clearly state what you are looking for. That doesn’t mean rushing into things. Don’t voice your ideas in the form of expectations to them, but in the form of expectations to yourself. You can start with a clean slate without miscommunication along the way.

And if they aren’t willing to commit to you: Maybe it’s time to move on.

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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