.
Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Attracting Healthy Relationships
The person providing emotional safety can really have a hold on you. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to tell you the right things and do the right things to temporarily soothe emotional wounds. This dynamic can raise questions: Why do I always attract toxic people? Why do I keep drawing in love bombers and intense partners only to have them leave?
The Early Stages of Dating
Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Love Life! Today, we’re discussing the early stages of dating—how we often determine that we like someone and, as a result, feel as though that person singularly holds the key to our happiness, emotions, and even obsessions. How can we navigate this early excitement to ensure we attract healthier partners? One important point we’ll discuss is how our early obsessions can lead us to attract the people who hurt us the most.
Mindfulness and Personal Growth
Before we dive deeper, if you enjoy this free podcast or my YouTube videos, you might also like my free writings. Many of you have expressed enjoyment in reading my work, and I’ve recently released a new book titled “Love Life.” Every week, I send out a newsletter that explores relationships. You can sign up at the3relationships.com to receive valuable insights every Friday.
A Relatable Story
Recently, someone came to us with a fascinating story that we found incredibly relatable and worthwhile to discuss. This woman had taken a year-long hiatus from dating and felt ready to re-enter the dating pool. Hesitantly, she joined a dating site she had sworn off due to past negative experiences.
Ultimately, she matched with someone, and from the beginning, everything seemed to flow effortlessly. Their communication was intense, with calls and texts from morning to evening. He shared pictures of his kids, presenting himself as trustworthy and aligned with her family values. After two weeks of constant communication, they had yet to meet in person due to living in different states.
Then one night, while he was on a work trip, he failed to call her as promised. The next day, she completely flew off the handle, expressing her distress and disappointment over his inconsistency. She emphasized her self-worth and made it clear that she would not tolerate such behavior.
The Journey to Self-Awareness
In my book “Love Life,” I discuss moving forward after challenging relationships, particularly after being treated poorly or having our needs unmet. One key aspect is identifying what we can no longer tolerate in a partner and understanding what truly matters to us moving forward.
For instance, you might recognize that you felt unseen in your last relationship, despite that person being charismatic. If you decide that being seen and accepted is crucial, you can lay a foundation for better standards in your future relationships.
Setting Healthy Standards
Understanding what you will no longer tolerate is vital for establishing healthier standards. This awareness helps you steer clear of painful experiences. If you’ve experienced chaos and anxiety in previous relationships, knowing that peace is now a priority means you will attract partners who align with that value.
In the case of the woman who reacted strongly to the missed call, it seemed she was clear about knowing what she could no longer tolerate—namely, inconsistency. However, there can be a trap here. When we designate someone we’ve just met as the provider of our safety—expecting them to deliver on our healing needs—we risk building an unhealthy reliance on them.
Emotional Dependency and Dating
Healthy individuals can feel immense pressure when we project our emotional needs onto them too soon. Rather than offering reassurance and stability, a sudden need for that person to provide emotional safety can lead to misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations. It’s essential to remind ourselves that, at the beginning of any relationship, we are still at Ground Zero.
When we meet someone new, especially after a long period of feeling vulnerable, it can be tempting to transfer our emotional needs to them rapidly. We need safety, peace, and acceptance, and we might expect that from a partner we barely know. However, we must cultivate these feelings within ourselves before seeking them from others.
The Ripple Effect of Past Trauma
It’s common to be triggered by past experiences when we begin dating. We might recoil in fear when our new partner frustrates or disappoints us, even in seemingly minor ways. As we seek love, it’s vital to acknowledge that our longstanding wounds may create a barrier. We inadvertently create intense expectations, pushing away healthy partners and attracting those who thrive on chaos and drama.
If the intensity of our needs is driven by emotional wounds, it could lead to picking partners who aren’t genuinely suitable for us.
Recognizing Patterns
Additionally, emotional intensity can often attract love bombers—people who quickly profess strong feelings and create an illusion of safety that may not be sustainable. Real understanding in a relationship develops over time. If someone claims strong feelings after just a few interactions, it may not come from a genuine foundation.
In our story, when the woman expressed her disappointment, the man’s intense reaction was alarming. Memorable partners typically don’t respond with dramatic pleas but rather address situations logically and calmly.
Key Takeaways for Healthy Dating
To summarize, if you’re re-entering the dating scene and wondering how to navigate your wounds, keep these key points in mind:
1. Cultivate Self-Acceptance: Before seeking acceptance and safety from others, ensure you provide that to yourself. Understand your needs through self-reflection and self-care.
2. Avoid Over-reliance on New Partners: Enter any new romantic interaction without high expectations. Ensure you’re not placing the burden of your emotional stability on someone you’ve just met.
3. Assess Compatibility: Evaluate your partner’s behavior over time. Ensure they are respectful and considerate, but know you have not yet granted them the responsibility of fulfilling your emotional needs.
4. Recognize Your Triggers: Acknowledge that dating can bring up old wounds. It’s important not to project your past experiences onto new relationships but to assess and manage your reactions.
5. Embrace Organic Progression: Allow relationships to develop naturally. Healthy connections often occur over time, where expectations increase gradually as trust builds.
As you step into the dating world, focus on finding balance in your emotional needs and remaining grounded in self-acceptance.
Let us know your thoughts about this podcast at MatthewHass.com, and thank you to everyone who continues to write in. We’ll see you next time on Love Life!
Join Our Retreat
Before you go, I have an exciting announcement! My upcoming retreat runs from September 9th to the 15th this year. We’re down to the last few spots, and it’s been a unique year for this retreat due to the release of my book. If you’re interested, now is the time to secure your spot at MHretreat.com for this immersive coaching experience in Florida. I hope to see you there!
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: unsplash
