Don’t Let that Heartbreak Stop You

“Everything happened because a man wouldn’t marry me”

When I first read these words in an interview given by Arianna Huffington — I thought she was completely crazy. I had just ended a serious relationship and I didn’t think I would ever feel okay again. I couldn’t imagine a day when I felt that this heartbreak had been a blessing.

My breakup had left me devastated. I thought we were completely in love until one day we suddenly weren’t. I still clearly remember the moment when I realized that my relationship was over.

It was 2 am. I was at Stansted Airport. My phone had died. I didn’t have any cash. No trains were running and there were no cabs available. I had just come through immigration and realized that my partner had in a fit of annoyance got into an Uber and left me.

By the time I got home, it was 6 am. I was exhausted and when I charged my phone I was faced with a barrage of messages from him not asking how I was, but going into explicit detail about how I had disappointed him. It was then that I realized that our relationship was well and truly over.

Feeling like the rug had been taken out from under my feet I decided to do a deep dive into myself and my patterns of relating to people. What I discovered was that there was a science to relationships and who you are attracted to. Once I understood what was driving me, I could find freedom and recover from this break-up much faster.

Here’s what I learned that completely moved the dial on my recovery.

We like what is familiar and reject what is unfamiliar

That instant recognition we feel around some people is a sign that they remind us of something we have already experienced, particularly in childhood. This is especially dangerous for people who grew up around some sort of dysfunction. Such people may find that they are drawn to people who are bad for them. Often, people stay in toxic relationships because they convince themselves that this is ‘true love’ — when what it is, is your mind keeping you in a familiar situation.

In my case, through Rapid Transformational Therapy I realized that when I was three years old my parents moved to the US and left me with my aunt for a month while they were looking for a home. During this time, I developed an incredibly strong fear of being abandoned and realized that I would do almost anything to avoid this. Even tolerate terrible behavior.

Human beings are loss averse

The psychological pain of losing something is twice the pleasure of gaining something. When we frame the end of our relationship as a loss — our mind rebels against that idea and will continue to find ways to keep us where we are to avoid this perceived ‘loss’.

At the end of a relationship, it is important to be very clear on what you are gaining — whether that is the ability to travel, focus on yourself, or the freedom to put your needs first. If we think about the break-up as a beginning of a new chapter rather than the end of one our healing is accelerated multi-fold.

If you practice you can make healthier things familiar to you

It takes the mind 21 days to form a new habit of thought. If you find that you are stuck in a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, you can slowly work on yourself to make these unhealthy behaviors unfamiliar. Remind yourself daily that you are magnificent. Choose to be around friends who make you feel energized versus those who drain you. Practice saying no to things you know you don’t want to do and only saying yes when you feel you can commit. These tiny regular actions will create new neural pathways in your mind so that you will start to reject dysfunction more and more automatically.

Looking back on that interview 5 years later I can say that Arianna Huffington was right. Even though the end of her relationship with her partner of seven years was extremely painful — it motivated her to move to New York, where her career began to take off. Soon after, she met Michael Huffington, with whom she shares two children.

Without learning to overcome her heartbreak she would never have founded Huffington post. Without my heartbreak, I would never have healed from my patterns, found and married my incredible husband, and have been able to help people heal.

Today I can say — once upon a time my partner left me at an airport at 2 am and it was the best thing that ever happened.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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