Dump Him if He Doesn't Have These 5 Traits

An honorable man lives his life based on 2 cornerstone values: honesty and integrity.

Honesty means telling the truth.
Integrity means living truthfully.

Therefore, he isn’t afraid to speak his mind. He isn’t afraid of expressing what he wants or who he is. He isn’t afraid of pursuing what he values. His lifestyle reflects the habits that constitute a meaningful life. His passion is contagious as he’s building the type of life he regards as worthwhile.

That being said, let’s quickly discuss the 5 non-negotiable traits your man must have.

Men, do yourself (and the woman in your life) a favor and take note.

#1 Self-awareness

Self-awareness is a prerequisite for honesty, integrity, healing, and wisdom.

If a guy isn’t aware of the pieces that shape his character, he doesn’t know who he is. It’s up to you (and the world) to define his identity for him. If a guy isn’t aware of the baggage he’s carrying around, guess who will be severely aware of this baggage and be forced to deal with it?

You.

Self-awareness is a painful process that starts with self-reflection. It takes honesty with oneself. That takes courage and the ability to take responsibility for one’s emotions, circumstances, and character.

So, the absence of self-awareness indicates traits like cowardice and the refusal to shoulder responsibility, to mention only a few.

Narcissists, for example, lack self-awareness. They don’t like taking responsibility and are afraid of triggering the shame that they’re covering through their narcissism.

Nice guys are no different. They lack self-awareness as they’re living in the fantasy that they’re the good guy, thinking they’re entitled to love, sex, and attention because they’re “nice”.

Rarely (if ever) does it cross their mind that they’re not as nice as they claim to be.

This goes for other scenarios where the guy isn’t honest enough with himself to admit the problem, at least to himself.

And you don’t infer this information using the guy’s words. No. You look at his lifestyle, actions, and how others treat him.

Lack of self-awareness leaves traces such as:

Dishonesty.
Messed up relationships.
Defensiveness.
Inability to hear criticism.
Bad listening skills.

Cowardice (which manifests itself in behaviors like conflict avoidance or the unwillingness to protect and provide).
One of the best ways to gauge someone’s self-awareness levels is through how much honesty and truth they can tell and tolerate. This leads us to the next point . . .

#2 What you see is what you get

A guy who tells you everything you want to hear all the time isn’t being honest with you. A guy who thinks you’re perfect the way you are is a guy who isn’t honest with himself.

The thing about honesty is that it (usually) sucks. It’s not always the nicest, easiest, or least-risky option.

For one, telling a girl you have feelings for her is an act of honesty and courage (if you actually have those feelings). Telling your best friend he’s screwing up his life by doing something is an act of bravery (if he’s actually aiming down).

But both of these actions are not emotionally comfortable. They’re scary or even terrifying to some men out there.

Honest men are honest even if it will upset them or the other person. They’re willing to stick their neck out for what they believe in.

Therefore, you can depend on them to always tell you the truth whether they’re upset with you, have feelings for you, did something wrong, or even want to leave.

An honest man is like an honorable warrior. He stands for something he believes in. And he’s willing to get hurt in the pursuit of that thing. If he wins, he’s proud. If he dies, he dies with honor.

And that is what makes honesty attractive. It takes courage and strength to be honest. So you know you can depend on and trust this man.

He won’t beat around the bush and avoid conflict/discomfort when the situation demands so, which leads us to the next point . . .

#3 Balls to pursue the type of life he regards as meaningful

Honesty is about telling the truth. But it’s not enough to tell the truth.

Words are powerful, but they’re never enough. There’s this saying that goes, “You say it because you mean it, and you mean it because you say it.” It means you cannot say something if you don’t mean it, and you cannot mean something if you don’t live according to it.

Therefore, men who don’t live according to their own truth are not really honest.

Those are the guys who get swayed away from what they want because their families disapprove of it. Those are the guys who are living a life they’re not proud of and aren’t willing to change (instead, they want to sit there and complain about how bad they have it).

In short, it’s the guy who lives in accordance with other people’s values and beliefs — not his own. It’s the guy who waits for others to approve of his decisions.

Someone who is living on his friend’s couch but is doing something he believes in is better than a millionaire who is (so) shit scared of what his mom thinks of the woman he loves that he ends up breaking up with her.

It’s the guy who tells you he values and respects you, but his actions say otherwise. You cannot care for someone and treat them like shit. Actions override words.

In short, look at how he lives his life. Is it based on his own truth and what he believes in? Also, look at how he treats you and how he says he treats you/wants to treat you? Is there congruence between the two?

#4 Conflict resolution skills

Conflict is the only part of a relationship/marriage that will last forever. So, let’s talk about it.

The world needs nerds (I’m one of them, btw). That’s because who the heck would think about analyzing the ratio of positive to negative interactions in relationships?!

They found that the magical ratio is 5 positive to 1 negative interaction. Anything less than 5 positive interactions for each negative one and the relationship is likely to end. It’s too negative in this case.

But they also found that there is another ratio where the relationship is also likely to end. That is 11:1. So if you have 11 positive interactions to every negative interaction, your relationship is also in danger because it is too positive.

This is bad news for guys who suck at conflict. You know, those who throw tantrums and call their partner a demanding, selfish bitch.

But it is also bad news for guys who shy away from conflict and avoid it. You know, those Nice Guys who are shitless scared of upsetting their partner and think she is perfect the way she is.

So, you need conflict in your relationship (not to mention that it’s inevitable). Therefore, you want a guy who can handle conflict like a pro.

Someone who fights with you like his life depends on it is not a stable man (and is a man who cannot control himself). And someone who avoids conflict and tries to please you all the time is not a man who is being honest with you (and is a coward at some level).

Avoid both.

#5 Masculine container

This point might upset some women. But it is true. Let’s first clarify what I mean by a “masculine container.”

In short, he’s a guy who brings (positive) masculine traits into your life and uses them to serve you and to balance your femininity.

I’m talking about traits like direction (not orders), leadership (not tyranny), decisiveness, protection, providing, generous/honest giving, and orderly space that can allow your beautiful feminine chaos to exist and express itself.

But you need to be on good terms with your feminine side to let a masculine man into your life.

If you keep rejecting and even punishing those masculine traits, you’ll end up with a feminine man who will let you (and even expect you to) lead, provide, protect, make decisions, face the world, and never rest in your feminine reality.

…

I hope this was helpful

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

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The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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