Dump the Honest Assh*les in Your Life — Here’s Why

We all know someone who prides themselves in their honesty. By “honesty”, assh*les mean the ability to say hurtful things to others without considering their feelings.

We all appreciate honesty and treasure those who dare tell us things other people would have otherwise sugar-coated. Yet, I argue that there is a subtle art to frankness that most “honest” assh*les fail to capture.

They use honesty as an excuse to not fix their unpleasant behavior and blame everyone else around them for being “too sensitive”.

If you know someone who exhibits these traits, note that they lean more to the “assh*le” side than the “honest” side.

. . .

They are unwilling to put in the labor to think about their words wisely.

Honesty can be a gift, but it can also hide laziness and entitlement. Productive honesty entails looking at both sides of the situation, measuring the scenario objectively, not forgetting the human elements that come into play, and providing a nuanced interpretation of the scenario.

Blurting out what’s on top of one’s mind without consideration for the consequences is not honesty — it’s laziness. Even worse is when they blame everyone around them for not appreciating their (typically unconstructive) insights. That’s just entitlement.

For instance, my friend — who is the leader of an organization — came to me after encountering the first time he had to fire someone. He asked me whether the way he handled the situation was wrong, whether he was fair or too harsh, etc.

An unconstructive “honest” asshole would pretend to know-it-all and give a one-sided response, such as, “Yes, you’re a shit friend,” or “No, they were a shit employee.”

A constructive, honest person would have provided an analysis on both sides, “This person did [action] which caused you to feel [a certain way].

On the one hand, if you view yourself from the perspective of [the employee]’s friend, it’s reasonable that you feel guilty. On the other hand, you had the responsibilities of a leader, which in that case, you did what was best for the organization.

I’m not in the position to tell you whether what you did was justified — it is something you can only decide for yourself. Because the answer varies depending on which label you ascribe to yourself — friend or leader.”

A constructive, honest person does not give you a black or white answer. Their role is to shine an objective perspective that the interlocutor currently lacks due to an emotional state. Contrast: “You can improve this by…” vs “Your work is shitty” (and that’s it).

A good advisor won’t pretend like they know the situation better than you do and certainly would not act like they know the perfect solution to your problem. They are humble enough to know that their role as your advisor is to not make decisions for you but to give you insights that will help you make your own.

Another thing to note here is that providing constructive honesty requires emotional and intellectual labor. Which if the listener considers you worthwhile enough to spend that energy on, they will. “Honest” assholes like insulting people without consideration of whether or not their blurts are helpful.

. . .

Are they qualified enough to give their opinion?

An “honest” asshole I used to know constantly remarked that my writing was substandard. I appreciate criticism because criticisms help you grow. But when I asked my friend why he thought so, he just laughed and called my writing amateur.

I kept on coming back to him because I was determined to get better, but I could never reach his standard no matter what I did. He was also very vague with his comments — all I know until now was that he thought of my writing as inadequate but never explained why.

I thought he was just mysterious and wanted me to figure it out myself. So, I asked him whether he could send me a sample of his writing to learn from him. He kept on denying my request for months, until at one point, he acquiesced.

I understood why he dodged my request so much then. He had no qualifications to become a critic! The reason why he couldn’t provide constructive advice was that he didn’t understand them himself.

In contrast, a helpful advisor criticized my work not by labelling them as an amateur’s work but by going straight into the points: Convert passive wording into active, fix these grammatical errors, remove some unnecessary punctuation, and so on.

Not to say that people are not allowed to criticize you unless they are great at the art themselves. But it is essential to distinguish the framework at which they are criticizing: as an expert or consumer?

My friend passed himself off as an expert for so long and made harsh statements towards me that I accepted seriously, on the basis that he knew much more than me. But after I realized he was not the expert he passed himself off to be, I still took his criticisms. Still, I viewed it as criticisms from a consumer’s perspective.

Then we can have these things in mind: Consumers cannot provide constructive advice as an expert can. Their opinions are mostly emotionally charged, so interpret them through that lens. Different consumers have different preferences — if you try to appeal to everyone’s taste, you will appeal to none.

. . .

Is their honesty meant to help you or to benefit themselves?

Speaking of whether or not their “opinions” are helpful — look at their intentions.

It is also important to ask that when you hear criticism from someone, are they doing it to help you improve or boost their ego? The quality of their complaints — and therefore to what extent you should take them seriously — differs depending on the answer.

For example, during his insecure moments, my ex kept on telling me my work was shit, that I’m a shitty person, I have shitty friends I shouldn’t hang out with, and so on. If I took everything he said earnestly, I must be the most horrible, useless scumbag on Earth.

So, I didn’t take his words seriously. I know that the purpose of his words is not to build me up or help me become a better person but to project his negative feelings at that time. I just so happened to be the most convenient target.

He was an “honest” asshole. He even had the nerve to tell me that we should be friends after the break-up because he “can provide me honest criticisms no one else can”. Sorry, I do not think verbal abuse counts as good criticism.

Besides more severe objectives like lashing out their anger on you, there can also be more subtle objectives we typically aren’t aware of are the case. Including but not limited to: Boosting one’s ego and perceived expertise, trying to appear impressive in front of others, and just thinking it’s fun to roast people.

They might also be projecting their insecurities onto you. We resent the things in other people that we see in ourselves. Girls who call other girls whores, sluts, or bitches are typically insecure about being labelled themselves.

They usually form these value judgements out of paranoia that some of their behavior might not be seen as pure or considered enough. Suppose a girl calls another girl a slut for hanging out with boys. In that case, it is because she has the hidden desire of getting boys’ attention.

You know yourself best. Suppose your interlocutor start to make value judgements out of your behavior rather than provide an objective analysis of their consequences. In that case, their “advice” is no longer objective and says more about them than it does about you.

. . .

Conclusion

Learn to differentiate between assholes and genuinely constructive, honest individuals. If you should take only one lesson from this piece, it’ll be to look at whether the advice you receive is practical or helpful at all.

If they are value judgements that only serve to make you feel terrible about yourself — discard them. That may be honesty on their part, but it’s fallacious to assume that it is automatically true just because something is honest.

After all, they could say those hurtful things for any other reason I mentioned above. Even if they are genuinely attempting to be helpful — this is already the best-case scenario — they might be mistaken.

Before taking someone’s advice seriously, ask yourself these questions:

Do they pretend like they know it all?
Are they humble enough to acknowledge they might be as clueless as you are?
Are they putting themselves in a position superior to you, or are they genuinely helping and lending an ear?
Does their honesty come in the form of value judgements more than constructive help?

There is nobody else in the world (apart from Mark Zuckerberg) who knows you more than yourself. Prioritize being honest with yourself first before listening to some asshole’s “honesty”.

—

This post was previously published on Writers’ Blokke.

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.