Fathers Matter
My mother thought my father was clumsy and she refused to let him hold me when I was a baby. She was also concerned that his depression and mood swings made him an unstable parent. Gradually, I became to be more attached to my mother. My father, I’m sure feeling the mother/son pair-bond, felt excluded. He eventually pulled away, spent more time alone. For most of my life I felt it didn’t matter that my father and I weren’t close. I now know that fathers matter more than we ever thought and too many fathers feel excluded from the loving connections in their families. I made a vow to change that when I had children. With five grown children and 16 grandchildren, I’m still working to teach them the importance of fathers.
A Mother’s View of Father Is Never Totally Accurate
Most of us were raised by mothers and so drank in a woman’s view of our father and of men in general. For a long time I “knew” my father was emotionally unstable, a poor “bread-winner,” less caring about my well-being than my mother. I still remember my mother talking with a group of her women friends about the sorry state of “our men.” It took me a long time to realize that my view of my father was filtered by my mother’s view of him, which was in turn filtered by the wounds she experienced growing up in a family headed by her mother, because her dad had died young. It’s vital to recognize the filters we wear and to find our own connection with our fathers.
The Battle of the Sexes is Real, But It Doesn’t Have to be Deadly
One aspect of the conflict between men and women comes from the gender-role stereotypes that taught men to believe that women were there to serve them. This, coupled with the abuse that many of us experienced in childhood, caused some men (and more women than you might expect) to become violent towards their mates. In response to that, we’ve tried to be kind and gentle with one another, which is definitely a good thing.
But we have also tried to be nicey-nice, to pretend that men and women don’t have differences. This is not good. It takes a lot of the passion out of life and out of our relationship. My wife, Carlin and I battle regularly, a lot of it on things that come from her womanly ways that conflict with my manly ways. We’ve been together, deeply in love, for 35 years now and we honor our differences and even our occasional battles.
Men are the Sensitive Sex
We are taught that women are the sensitive and gentle sex, that they are more emotional. But I’ve found that isn’t true. Men die sooner and live sicker. Most of this has to do with our lifestyles, but it is also the result of the male body/mind/spirit being more sensitive. It breaks down more easily and is more susceptible to disease. Further, when there is conflict in the family, men’s nervous systems register it more strongly. One of the reasons that men withdraw and become silent is not because men are not as emotional as women. Often men withdraw because we are overwhelmed by emotions, but don’t know how to talk about them or how to sooth ourselves. We withdraw in order to get away from the conflicting energies that come from being in a relationship.
Men Need to be in a Men’s Group
Most men have few close friends and as we age we often lose friends and don’t form new friendships. Women do better at both and as a result live longer and healthier lives. I believe that all men need to be in a men’s group where they can be with other guys to share their worries, hopes and desires. I’ve been in a men’s group that has been meeting regularly now for 36 years. The group has been a source of support that I’ve found nowhere else and both my wife and I attribute our successful marriage to my men’s group experience.
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About the book
“What does it really mean to be a good man in today’s world? In his new book, 12 Rules for Good Men, Jed reveals the secrets. Check it out here. “12 Rules is the result of Jed’s lifetime of leadership in men’s work and represents the power and wisdom of an elder of the men’s movement.”
–Mark Greene, Senior Editor, The Good Men Project.
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I’d be most interested in your comments, thoughts and feelings. If you like this article I hope you’ll visit me at www.MenAlive.com and become a member of Team Diamond, a group of people who want to see these kinds of articles find a wider audience. If you’d like to join, drop me a note at [email protected] and put “Team Diamond” in the subject line.
Hey, Good Men Project readers, check out FOCO’s line of World Series Bobbleheads, a great gift for baseball fans.
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You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | Thirty-One Reasons Men Don’t Cheat | What Makes a Man Attractive? | Here’s What Happens When You Find The One |
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Originally posted on MenAlive. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
If one stops to listen to an Ethiopian grandmother explain why a young girl needs to be circumcised for her own good, and so that she will be like her mother and grandmothers, it’s exactly the same weak arguments that American women use to insist on and attempt to justify involuntary circumcision of baby boys in the USA. How many men do you know who tried to intervene and prevent their sons from being circumcised and were told by their wives to sit down and shut up; then proceeded to mutilate their son’s penis with no informed consent. I am… Read more »
I’ve never much liked boys and men and always preferred working around and with girls and women. It wasn’t that I had that much in common with the women, but I found I seem to have little in common with most men. I was just not interested in the things they wanted to do. I have spent many hours with male friends but have always found the experience unsatisfying. I seem to prefer mixed groups. I really have found nothing useful, emotional or otherwise, about being with men. I just find the women to be generally much more interesting.
I see what you mean by “viewing fathers through your mother’s eyes.” I have had a very disconnected relationship with my dad, and it’s only now in my late teens that I have begun to understand him, his past and his ways.
Men historically were taught not to show their feelings for good reason. I’ve learned this the hard way from growing up in this touchy-feely world. I believed it was OK for men to show emotion. It seems however that women are hard wired to judge men that emote as weak and they quickly loose respect for you. I think even women are confused by this. They genuinely want to be attracted to a man that can share his feelings, but whoa to the man that actually tries it. I have been 1000% happier since I quit seeking any sort of… Read more »
Jed, thanks again for a great post. I’ve been on a men’s team since Dec 9, 1989. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself and my family. A safe place where I can come and be inspected on a weekly basis, by men that i trust and men that care about me and my family. I can come here and express my emotions with out judgement and get my tank filled up, so when I go home to my wife and family I’m no longer a needy little boy. It’s so true that we need to… Read more »
Bob, thanks for sharing your experience. My men’s group experience has been equally valuable. I think we have ancient roots where men went off together in hunter groups. I’m sure we did more than hunt, but spent many hours, days, and nights talking to each other about love and life, how to feed our families and tribe, and just enjoyed the company of other men we knew well.
This so resonates in me… I’ve just started a mens group in my local area. My motives are “selvfish” -not for doing the other men good -but for doing my self good… I need a mensgroup… I need men to help me remember who I am… Who WE are… And in the end… We help/lift each other. So my selfish motives might not be so selvfish in the end… And to grow as a father… To my two cool boys… Show them that I am sensitive… That it is alright… Guess I just wanted to say that this article really… Read more »
Jorgen, Thanks for sharing. Being selfish and wanting more connection with men, as you point out, helps everyone in the long run. I’ve been in a group now for 36 years and it has helped me be a better husband, father, friend, colleague, and community member.
I’ve been on a men’s team since I did the Sterlimg Men’s Weekend in ’94 and I still get a lot of benefit from it. My life transformed from not doing much and not caring to one where I am actively engaged in the world and make a difference every day. I participate with my community, I’m in leadership in my men’s organization, and I’ve led large community projects. I have a career and have been happily married for 10 years. Along the way, I have served on a task force to renovate my neighborhood and was president of the… Read more »
Tom, I’ve been in a men’s group for 36 years and a number of us have done the Sterling weekend and been engaged in community activities. We also did the Mankind Project weekend. Men coming together to make a positive difference in the world helps everyone–our families, friends, and community. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
“Often men withdraw because we are overwhelmed by emotions and feelings, and we don’t know how to talk about them or how to sooth ourselves. We withdraw in order to get away from the conflicting energies that come from being in a relationship” I belive this to be the rule, because mostly men are conditioned to disconnect from their own feelings, by being told to “man up”, “grew a pair” and in this way being shamed to repress their feelings. They dont get to know how to handle them, by taking charge of getting their needs met. It causes more… Read more »
Karl-Otto, thank for the kind words. We all need support being the men we truly are, not the men that a restrictive view of masculinity tells us we should live up to.
Out of all the things you mentioned, genital mutilation is by far the worst.
That’s a biggie for me. When I wrote about it years ago and suggested that circumcision was “male genital mutiliation” and a form of child sexual abuse, the publisher wanted me to change it. When I refused they decided not to publish. A courageous publisher picked it up and The Warrior’s Journey Home made it out in the world and is still being well received.
“Men Need to be in a Men’s Group” Unless you have some kind of disorder, there isn’t much out there for men. I’m fortunate in that my parish has a few groups for men, which I belong to all of them.
Tom, thanks for the note. I’ve been in a men’s group now for 36 years and it has changed my life for the better.