Most learn what makes them tick — what works and what doesn’t — through the passing of time and the gradual gaining of experience.
We stumble and fall, earning scars along the way. The victories teach valuable lessons but often it’s those learned through defeat that are more powerful and enduring.
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned so far? Recognising how I cope best in times of stress, pressure and adversity.
It turns out that rather than seeking kindnesses, reassurance and trying to take the pressure off, I’m better off turning the heat up and throwing more into the mix.
Who knew?
A charmed life?
By all reasonable measures I’ve got it easy. I count my blessings daily for the advantages that I’ve been given as a healthy white male living in a politically stable part of the western world. My life is devoid of the adversities that many deal with on a daily basis. What possible cause have I to feel stresses and strains?
I wake in a comfy bed, usually to the sound of birdsong rather than gunshots or sirens. There’s always food in the refrigerator and me and my family have all the love, support, opportunities and material goods we could possibly need.
There’s money in the bank account, paid work for the adults, free schooling for the kids and leisure time for us all to look forward to. I even have the free time and resources to dabble with a side-project too. Life is golden.
Why then, you may ask should life cause me stress or suffering? In spite of the privileges and lack of mortal danger, stress strikes often in my life just as I’m sure it does for you.
We each adapt to deal with the hardships that we routinely face. We learn to function with whatever our ‘norm’ is. When we take on more, or when life presents a hurdle to overcome we can rise to the challenge or crumble before it.
What we become used-to shapes our tolerance for stress and hardship. It determines our ability to cope with challenges as they emerge.
More is less
In times of stress and overwhelm I’ve figured out that my best course of action isn’t to retreat into myself, or to let off the pressure in a gesture of personal kindness and self-care. Instead, the answer is to seek out more pressure.
This isn’t some anti-fragile or faux-macho statement of indomitability — it’s just a fact.
I cope better and am way more productive when I’ve got a to-do list of 100 things than if I’ve got 2 things to do. If the list is short I’ll procrastinate over each and every task. I’ll fixate, debate and worry rather than getting on with the task at hand.
If I’ve got lots to do I’m more inclined to dive right in. I’ll eventually find the groove, that sweet-spot where I get stuff done and build momentum, ploughing on from one thing to the next. When I’ve got more on my plate, I take bigger and bolder actions and feel better as a result.
When I get out of my head and out of my own way, I prove to myself that I’ve got more than this situation requires. I demonstrate that I’ve got the capacity to push on and I do what needs to be done. I take action, relentlessly.
Action breeds confidence where procrastination breeds fear. Taking action yields results and results equate to progress. Progress leads to success.
Stress breeds action
To act is to take control and ownership of the situation rather than to fret and worry. When there’s lots to be done it becomes easier to take that massive action since there’s no limit to the potential gain. Any step forwards is a step in the right direction.
Think of it like bailing water out of a leaking boat. When there’s just a little water swilling about in the hull it can be frustrating to scoop it up and throw it over the side. You may even decide not to bother doing anything at all until the situation gets worse. When you’re up to your ankles in water however, there’s no shortage of it to scoop out and more progress to be made more quickly; the massive action yields bigger results.
It’s often easier to take this massive action when the pressure to do so is greater.
Taking on more and more isn’t a universal recipe for success, but neither is hiding from the world while vainly hoping that the situation will improve.
I think of it as weight-training for my mind and my inner resilience. Pushing beyond the comfort zone, rather than retreating into myself is how I build the capacity to cope under pressure.
Each time I complete another task it gives me more mental ammunition and another powerful reminder of success that came about as a result of overcoming adversity or inertia. It’s another time when I took action, got a result and made progress. By taking on more I build self-belief and remind myself that I have the capacity to get things done.
Suffering for our art (or work)
Dealing with stress and managing its effects in our life are a form of suffering. Out of suffering comes growth (if we approach it correctly).
As the inimitable Tim Denning puts it here:
“When you see suffering as a necessity and you learn to use it to your advantage, that same suffering becomes fuel for your goals and dreams. All of a sudden, when suffering enters your life, you know what to do with it.”
When there’s less going on in our lives, our capacity to handle things also depletes. The things we once took in our stride become matters of great importance and sources of disproportionate worry.
When our world-view shrinks and we become accustomed to living life on a smaller scale, that becomes our norm and our ability to handle more is reduced.
When we grow through adversity and build strength through suffering stress but taking action anyway, we often prove ourselves capable of handling more. It’s that simple — or at least it is for me. Maybe you’re different, and that’s fine too.
Try it
Remember that Parkinson’s Law ensures that things in our life expand to fill the available time and space. A task that should demand only minimal attention, time or energy will expand if we allow it to. If we don’t keep ourselves busy and fill our lives with the things that will make a difference and take us in the right direction, life will ensure the little things grow and take up all the resources available.
My advice then; seek out more pressure, not less.
Build your mental strength and resilience by piling on the pressure and trying to do more, just as you’d gradually build your physical strength through progressively lifting heavier weights.
It’ll feel uncomfortable at first and there will be the growing pains, but ultimately it’ll be worth the effort.
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Previously Published on Medium
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