I’ve zeroed in on what I consider to be the three primary emotional motivators when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. These three motivators exist for everyone. How we meet or don’t meet them determines the quality and duration of our interactions and relationships. The three fundamental emotional needs are:
- Status: Feeling important or superior; feeling challenged.
- Connection: Feeling understood and appreciated; shared values and experiences.
- Security: Feeling safe and reliable; feeling trust. These three emotional triggers are universal. We all have them and our willingness to become sexual or intimate with someone is based on these three triggers and how we prioritize them. Some of us prioritize the search for status and challenge far more than security and trust. Others seek out connection and appreciation and aren’t as interested in status.
It’s common in relationships to feel ambivalent or slightly torn with the person you’re with. You kind of like them, but you wonder if there’s someone else you’ll like more that you haven’t met yet. Maybe you really like being alone with them, but around your friends, they’re cold and distant and seemingly a different person. In fact, this sort of ambivalence is often the rule with people we date, not the exception, and it’s driven by the emotional needs that either is or aren’t being met.
For instance, let’s say you’re seeing someone who is well-liked and considered attractive by all of your friends (triggers your motivation for status), but you find them self-centered at times (negatively triggers your need for connection) and they can be flaky and opaque (negatively triggers your need for security). Do you tolerate their behavior? There may not seem to be a whole lot of depth in your relationship, but you have a great time socializing with other people together. You cut them a lot of slack and keep giving them second chances. After all, your friends always talk about how great you are together, and your friends are good people, right?
Or perhaps you meet someone who is a bit unstable and erratic, but when you two are alone together, you have the most amazing chemistry and connection — it’s just that those moments are few and far between. The lack of security you feel will be in constant tension with the feeling of connection and appreciation you feel for one another and you’ll struggle to figure out what to do, often moving back and forth between cutting them off and moving on, or going back and trying things again.
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The above article is from the book “Emotional Needs in Relationships” written by Mark Manson.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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