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Let’s look at some concrete tips for empathizing better with marketplace players. Let’s consider a singer/songwriter who is in the process of making her own CD – that is, who is paying for it out of her own pocket. This singer/songwriter, Jane, has hired a well-known and very busy freelance producer, Jack, to work with her.
- This process of making a CD is almost always fraught with plenty of difficulties, because Jane has to get studio time scheduled far in advance, because she is tied to Jack’s availability, and so on. But a lack of empathy will only make this hard thing even harder. Here are 7 tips for empathizing with marketplace players, using Jane and Jack as our example.
2. When you want someone to understand you, be clear. For example, Jane could say to Jack, “Can we get together some time in mid-March and work on the album a little?” but that doesn’t really communicate enough to Jack about her needs or his reality. It would be better if Jane said, “I can book studio time on March 7, March 8, or March 9 at the following hours. Does one of those times work for you? If none of them work, can you give me some times that might work? But I hope that one of these times does work, because the studio is booked up and it’s going to be really hard to find some other dates. So if it’s at all possible that you can make it on March seventh, eighth, or ninth, that would be great!”
3. When you want someone to understand you, be brief. It is empathic to understand that people are not helped when they are bombarded by a ton of information. For example, Jane could write Jack a long email about all the reasons why she is having trouble getting her last few songs written or she could say, “Ten songs are done and the last two aren’t. How do you think we should proceed?” Not only is the latter more helpful and more empathic but stating herself that briefly and that clearly will actually clarify matters to Jane herself.
4. When you want someone on your side, be affirmative. For example, it is not empathic to think that people don’t notice when they are being criticized or that they won’t get defensive when they are being criticized. Jane could say to Jack, “I don’t think you are hearing me when I say that I need the drums to be less assertive,” which is a criticism. On the other hand, she could say, “I’m loving our process together! I only wonder if I’m being clear enough about the drums? I’d love it if they could be a little less assertive. Do you think that would be okay?” You try out the honey approach until you are forced to turn to vinegar—you don’t lead with vinegar.
5. Make sure that you’ve been heard by checking in and by asking questions. Often just checking in isn’t enough – you need to make sure that you’ve been heard and understood. Jane might write to Jack and say, “Did you get the long email I sent you the other day?” or she might write and say the more effective, “In that email I sent you the other day I fear that I might not have been clear on a couple of points, specifically on the timing of our next recording sessions and on the matter of your hourly rate going up in June. Were my thoughts on those two matters clear?”
6. Don’t let your nerves stop you from delivering your message. Jane may have something very important that she needs to get clear with Jack but dealing with him may be making her very anxious. It isn’t going to pay her to let her nerves get the better of her since he is producing her album and at some point she really must deal with him. Her best bet is to recognize that dealing with him makes her anxious, accept that reality, make use of one of her anxiety management strategies, bite the bullet and deal with him. When people matter to us the way that the producer of our album matters to us, we mustn’t let anxiety keep us from communicating with them.
7. When warning bells go off, hold your tongue, at least long enough to gather your thoughts. Let’s say that Jack says to Jane in the middle of a conversation, “Oh, I think I’ll be bringing my rates up to market rate in June.” Jane would want to think about her reply rather than blurt out “But we agreed to work through the end of this album at your current rate!” or “I’m not going to be able to handle a higher rate – this is a disaster!” By holding her tongue and taking the time to gather her thoughts, she will do a better job of not only saying what serves her but of intuiting where Jack is coming from – that is, a better job of empathizing with Jack. Having done that careful work, she can send Jack an email that is affirmative, brief and clear that either asks for clarification about his “passing remark” or that spells out her arguments for him continuing to work with her at his current rates.
Never treat marketplace communications cavalierly. If you are Jane and during a recording session you’re disappointed with the way your bass player played, you don’t want to say to Jack “We need a new bass player!”—not if you are just beginning to think the matter through and haven’t really decided whether you do or don’t want a new bass player. If you bring it up before you really mean to, you’ve made internal work for Jack who now has to worry about the whole “bass player” question. Empathizing in this instance means realizing that when you bring something like that up the other person is likely to hear what you’re saying and likely to begin thinking about it and brooding about it. If you didn’t really want him to begin thinking about yet, don’t say it.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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