I Got Married at 57

I adore my wife. Ana is a passionate, opinionated, smart-as-hell, emotionally intelligent, self-assured, Cuban-Jewish Enneagram Eight. She’s a flirty, mouthy boat rocker and bullshit detector.

Our relationship is fulfilling, intimate, and supportive. We have a mutually gratifying sex life. We talk about everything under the sun and always manage to work disagreements through to resolution. We thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. I laugh more with her in a day than I used to in a month. We dance in the grocery store when a song we like comes on.

We are each other’s best friends, biggest advocates, and co-conspirators in life. I’ve never felt met the way I do with her, and she feels the same. Five years in, we’re more convinced than ever that there’s no one else on the planet that either of us could be with.

So it would be easy to say it took me this long to find the right person.

But the truth is, it took me this long to be the right person.

In my teens and 20s, I was too shy and emotionally underdeveloped to be a good partner to anyone. I wasn’t tall, athletic, good-looking, rich, outgoing, charming or confident, and I considered these instant deal breakers. I struggled with low self-esteem and codependence, which presented outwardly as misogyny and “Nice Guy Syndrome.” In hindsight, I recognize these as the actual dealbreakers.

In my 30s and 40s, I went into therapy, switched careers, moved to a new city, did the difficult work to understand and deconstruct my misogyny, and eventually found myself in a very different social circle. I liked myself more, was well respected in my community, and became a top player in my new career. I didn’t have trouble finding intimate partners, though my relationships were fluid and open rather than monogamous or committed. It was the opposite of my 20s: I felt like I could be with whoever I wanted.

In my 50s I needed time to myself. I realized I hadn’t been alone in over 15 years and craved solitude. I got to know myself more deeply, dismantled a few vestiges of “needing” to be with someone, and found deep contentment and happiness in solitary life. I fully expected, wanted, and felt good about this being my life moving forward.

Selfie by Ken Blackman showing the open wilderness near his home, circa 2018.

In all of this time, I don’t think I ever pictured myself as someone who would ever get married.

First I was unworthy.
Then I was never going to find The One.
Then I had no interest in The One.
Then I preferred my own company.

I was still declining invitations from interested parties when I met Ana. We clicked instantly.

We met, distance-dated, dated in person, got engaged, and got married, all during the COVID lockdown. As rapid as it was, and as big a leap of faith, we both find this marriage to be even better than we dared imagine it could be.

But neither of us could have had this kind of relationship any sooner than we did.

We love sharing about our past selves, but we wouldn’t have liked each other if we’d met even a few years earlier, we wouldn’t have clicked.

The chapters of Ana’s life have been as varied as mine. She was abused as a child, developed narcissistic traits as a young adult, had a successful career on Broadway, lost close family members to brutal violence, suffered through a corporate job and an unhappy marriage, explored her sexuality and sovereignty post-divorce, had her stint of travel and solitude, and throughout it all, worked diligently on her own mental and emotional wellbeing.

Ana and I differ in background, disposition, culture, and life experience. Somehow, at a deep soul-to-soul level, we couldn’t be more perfect for each other.

The quality of our relationship sometimes leaves us regretting the brevity of time we have ahead of us. Wouldn’t it be lovely to have another 50 years of doing life together, now that we’ve found each other?

But one thing we know is that we couldn’t have regained time on the clock by meeting earlier. We would have been completely wrong for each other.

Or anyone.

It truly took all the work we’ve done over the decades to be sane, healthy, mature individuals — right up to the point of our meeting — to be ready and capable of having the relationship we now have.

And that growth continues.

But as I look back, my entire life up to now feels like prep for this chapter.

And Ana feels the same.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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