Empathy and DEI Parenting

Let’s start with an easy definition. Empathy is the ability to understand and be sensitive to other people’s feelings by putting yourself (figuratively) in someone else’s shoes. It’s an essential building block for learning how to treat people fairly.

This article provides ideas and examples for helping your child develop a strong sense of empathy.

Lead by example

One of the best ways to teach empathy (or anything) to kids is to lead by example. Here are some suggestions:

Take them with you to donate winter coats. Let them help load/unload the items from the car. If the situation is right, take a moment to express sympathy for people who don’t have a warm coat. Here’s a list of places to donate: https://www.bustle.com/articles/125560-how-to-donate-winter-coats-to-someone-who-needs-them-more-than-you
Help an older person. If you see an elderly person looking for their car in a parking lot, ask that person if they need help. Make sure your child hears and sees you helping.
Be kind to waitstaff. If your server brings you the wrong order at a restaurant, when your child is listening, make a point of telling your server that everyone makes mistakes, it’s no big deal, and you’re sure they’ll get it right next time.
Be courteous in the checkout line. If someone is right behind you in a checkout line with only a few items and your cart is full, when your child is watching, offer to let that person go in front of you.
Help a lost dog. If a dog looks lost and scared, with your child take the time to help the dog. If that means getting it into your car, reading tags and making a phone call (if it has tags), or taking it to the vet to read an identity chip, do it. Even if you have to miss an appointment/errand of your own to help the dog, do it. It will make a lasting impression on your child (and the dog!).
Show empathy for sad stories in the media. If there’s a particularly heart-wrenching scene on a television series or movie you’re watching together, make sure they see the tears in your eyes or hear you comment on how hard it must be for the person or animal who is suffering. If they ask questions, be sure to take time to answer thoroughly.
Talk about common traits. Help them discover what they have in common with other people. Helping your child understand that all humans are basically the same is a great way to encourage empathy. One way to encourage this type of thinking is to point out people from different countries as you are out together. Have them come up with similar characteristics to their own own and then talk about the similarities that they came up with. Helping them understand differences and similarities in other cultures is an important and relevant conversation for encouraging empathy.
Be kind to them. Empathize with them so they know what it feels like.
Don’t be afraid to apologize (to them or anyone else). It’s not a sign of weakness, but a brave act of courage and strength.
Show excitement and/or happiness for a friend who has good news.
Be kind to others. Hold the door open for someone who has their arms full. Make sure they’re watching.
Comment on hardship. If you pass a homeless person on the street, talk about what it might be like to have to sleep out in the open, or not know if/when you can eat next, or not have anywhere to put your stuff. Express genuine curiosity about how that person got to such a low point in their life.

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Your child was born with the capacity for empathy, but it needs to be nurtured. Just like learning a language or a sport, it requires practice and guidance.

Regularly considering other people’s perspectives and circumstances helps make empathy a natural reflex and, through trial and error, will help your child get better at tuning into others’ feelings and perspectives.

Practice, practice, practice

Here are some ideas for offering compassion-specific learning opportunities so they can practice:

CPR . Learning CPR is a wonderful way for your child to feel good about helping others in need. In-person classes are better for teaching compassion than taking an online certification course. Here’s a website for finding CPR certification classes near you: https://www.cprcertified.com/blog/where-can-i-find-cpr-certification-near-me
Volunteering. The youth Volunteer Corps — a non-profit service organization operating throughout the United States and Canada — was created to introduce, encourage, and support the spirit of volunteerism in youth. (https://yvc.org/)
Animal shelters. For information about volunteering at an animal shelter in your community, talk to local pet shop owners and/or veterinary office workers. Here’s a website that talks about what kinds of tasks your son could be doing: https://www.wikihow.com/Volunteer-at-an-Animal-Shelter
Community service. Ask your child’s teacher or guidance counselor if there are any community service opportunities that his school recommends. Also, here is an article packed full of community service ideas for young people: https://www.teenlife.com/blogs/50-community-service-ideas-teen-volunteers (Note: the article linked above focuses on teens, but there are lots of ideas suitable for younger kids too.)
Tutoring. If your child is able, encourage them to tutor other kids who need help with their schoolwork.

Sorry parents, most of the suggestions above mean more driving for you. But hold on, let’s look at some empathy-building things your child can practice at home.

Teach empathy at home

There are lots of ways to help your child build empathy with activities they can do at home:

Games. Here’s a link to lots of great ideas for DIY empathy games, apps, and websites (organized by age): https://www.commonsensemedia.org/lists/best-empathy-games-apps-for-kids
Superheroes. Ask your child if they have a superhero. Whoever their hero is, ask them what kind of compassionate traits this hero has. Does the hero stand up to bullies? Help the less fortunate? Support their peers by not being a bystander? Without putting them on the spot, ask them to recount an episode where their hero did something compassionate.
Thank you notes. Kids love this (kidding!). Help them write a genuine thank you note for a gift they received. Not the standard “thank you for…” but something that really describes how they felt when they realized the gift matched their interests. Have them think about how the gift giver knew they’d like the gift. Doing this will help your child make a connection between their own feelings and the feelings of the person who gave them the gift. This is a great step towards being able to ‘put yourself in others’ shoes.’
Random scenarios. Make up random scenarios and tell your child how you’d react. Putting the onus on you to react compassionately, will prevent making them from feeling like they’re on the spot to come up with the right answer. You can sprinkle these types of scenarios into whatever timing feels right. There’s no need for a formal, sit-down quiz about how to be compassionate. Here’s an example: It’s your classmate’s turn to stay late and clean up the classroom. But he wants to go home as soon as possible because his mother is ill. He asks you to help him. Would you do it? Answer yes and explain why.
Stand up for others. Bullying and harassment is something that, unfortunately, kids grow up with. If approached correctly, being an ally can be a valuable teaching tool. Teach your child that they should stand up for anyone who is being targeted and victimized. Boy or girl. Teach him that it is much stronger to stand up for what is right than to go along with what is wrong.

Keep going

The best way to make sure the importance of compassion is clear to your child is to make it a consistent priority. Here are some easy ways to maintain consistency:

Do at least one kind thing each day. Make caring for others a daily priority and set high ethical expectations. If you want your child to value others’ perspectives and show compassion for them, it’s crucial that they hear it from you, repeatedly.
Keep talking about empathy. Reiterate that learning to care for others is a fundamental part of growing up. Keep repeating the same message with the same words. Most parents know that teaching values to children requires repeating the same thing over and over again.
Recognize your child’s kindness. If you witness them showing empathy, comment on it, and make sure they really hear you. Make a big deal out of it, but don’t overdo it. It’s important that they consider your praise genuine. Similarly, recognize cruelty by others and point it out to them. Talk about how it makes you feel and why.
Ask about their feelings. Consistently, encourage your child to recognize how they feel, whether the feeling is good or bad. Talk with them about what may be making them feel that way. Learning about their own feelings will help them connect with others and grow into a caring, sensitive adult. (Note: It might sound weird to you to keep asking ‘How did that make you feel?’ Keep doing it anyway.)

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Finally, try to stay connected to their ability to empathize as much as possible. Make it a part of your parenting routine. Remember that fostering empathy is an ongoing process that needs consistent nurturing.

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Originally published at https://www.deiforparents.com

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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