Work Out the Knots Before You Tie the Knot for Marriage

When you think about what makes a relationship thrive, your mind might jump to chemistry, great communication, or shared values. But if you look a little deeper, you’ll notice that some of the most secure, passionate, and resilient partnerships are built on one often-overlooked habit: shared decision making.

In episode 36 of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kim and I peel back the layers of what it really takes to make decisions together. Not just the big stuff, but the everyday choices that reveal how power, trust, and vulnerability really work in our lives and our love.

Shared Decision Making: More Than Splitting the Chores

At first glance, shared decision making sounds simple, two people talking things out and choosing together. But as we reveal in the podcast, it’s a skill that’s easy to talk about and much harder to put into practice. Why? Because beneath every decision lies a web of beliefs, family rules, and sometimes even unspoken fears.

Too often, couples fall into autopilot. One partner always books vacations, decides what’s for dinner, or manages the finances. Sometimes that’s by mutual agreement, but often, it’s inherited from old patterns, cultural expectations, or the subtle assumption that “someone has to be in charge.” Over time, these routines can leave one partner feeling invisible and the other overwhelmed, neither of which fosters secure love.

The Invisible Power Struggles

A central challenge to shared decision making is that it doesn’t just surface in obvious disagreements. It lives in the tiny, daily negotiations that either bring you closer or quietly wedge you apart. For example:

Do you both have a say when buying a car, or does one of you default to the other’s preference?
When conflict arises, do you negotiate as equals or does someone tend to “win” while the other stays silent?
How do you talk about intimacy and sex, does each person’s pleasure matter equally?

Without open conversation, these moments can turn into quiet power struggles. One person might feel pressure to go along just to keep the peace, while the other may feel alone in carrying the mental and emotional load of decisions.

The Cost of Not Sharing Power

As we discussed on the show, not practicing shared decision making can lead to subtle but serious consequences. When one partner consistently defers, it can breed resentment, emotional distance, and a gradual loss of trust. You may find yourselves “checking the box,” doing what you’re supposed to without truly feeling connected or alive in the relationship.

Even more, it can show up in your sex life, where old scripts around gender roles or faith can make one person’s needs and pleasure seem secondary. When this dynamic goes unexamined, it erodes the foundation of mutual respect and intimacy.

Building Security with Shared Decision Making

The real power of shared decision making is that it signals emotional safety and partnership. It’s less about tallying who does what, and more about creating a space where both people are empowered to show up fully by voicing their wants, expressing disagreement, and trust that their perspective will be valued.

Here’s how you can bring more shared decision making into your own relationship:

1. Slow Down and Invite Dialogue
Instead of rushing to a conclusion, pause and ask: “How do you feel about this?” or “What matters most to you here?” Curiosity sets the tone for equal participation.

2. Share What’s Beneath the Surface
Go beyond the surface details (“I want the blue car”) and share the why (“Blue reminds me of my childhood and makes me happy”). This invites deeper empathy and understanding.

3. Recognize Power Dynamics
Notice when you or your partner tend to take over or step back. Is it about expertise, habit, or something unspoken? Talk openly about how decisions get made and if it feels fair.

4. Embrace Disagreement as a Path to Closeness
Disagreement isn’t a threat; it’s an opportunity. When you disagree, slow down and explore what each of you values or fears. The goal is not to win, but to understand and create a solution together.

5. Bring It Into the Bedroom
The way you negotiate in everyday life mirrors how you handle intimacy. Share what you like, what feels good, and be willing to hear the same from your partner. Shared decision making is foundational for emotional and sexual safety.

Key Takeaways from This Episode

Every voice matters: Secure love is built on hearing, honoring, and including both perspectives.
Negotiation is a sign of strength: The best partnerships aren’t free of conflict—they’re skilled at resolving it collaboratively.
Resentment is a warning sign: If one of you feels unseen or unheard, it’s time to check in and rebalance power.
Intimacy thrives on equality: When both people’s desires are valued, connection—and even passion—grows.
Shared decision making is a daily practice: From the mundane to the meaningful, it’s a habit that shapes your relationship’s future.

Final Thoughts

If you want a love that lasts, focus on how you make decisions together. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present, curious, and committed to growing as a team. That’s the real roadmap to secure love.

Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.

Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.

Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.

—

This post was previously published on Kyle Benson‘s blog.

***