A list of 36 questions designed and proven, at least to some people, to build deeper intimacy between people had popped up in several different things in my reading lately. It is an interesting thought to consider.
My curiosity got the best of me so I gave in to a quick review of the list. Some of the questions looked interesting so they were carefully written on a set of notecards with the hope my dearest would be a good sport and play along. My goal was to only transcribe and not think about my answers because that would give me an unfair advantage in the conversation.
Then I reached Question 26 — “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” It stopped me in my tracks. There was not an easy response to that one. As the day moved on even with a bit of unplanned pondering, there still wasn’t an answer — not even a funny or snarky one. Eventually, my mind let it go and moved on to other things.
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These kinds of questions provide a fun way to start conversations about things that may have never come up in a typical interaction.
A few nights later, I asked my dearest if he was up for some questions. He was willing so we started with the little deck of cards while soaking in our deep tub with bubbles and bath salts. The conversation was interesting. He is a fantastic storyteller and my heart dances as he paints pictures of his childhood and his experiences.
As our bathwater was cooling down, we came to our final question of the night — Question 26. I briefly considered skipping it, but it was his turn to answer first so I went for it. Taking a deep breath, I asked him to complete this statement: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
My love had a simple but intriguing answer.
“Everything,” he stated almost without hesitation.
The conversation moved to his explanation of how this was the further evidence of his lean into polyamory as no one person can be everything in your world or be expected to meet all your needs. The examples and logic were completely consistent with the numerous conversations that we have had around this topic. His intentional and thoughtful way of describing his connections is congruent with his actions. He shared his longing to be able to be enough for another person and his acceptance that it was highly unlikely.
As I listened to his answer, something inside of me became unsettled. Maybe I’m not good at polyamory. Maybe there is something that I am missing in all of this.
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Three years ago, the word “polyamory” was not in my vocabulary, but the experience of loving and connecting with multiple partners has been a part of my experience for most of my life.
Even at this moment, there is a deeply connected friend, my dearest boyfriend/partner, and my husband. It looks pretty much like a cookie-cutter polyamorous life based on much that is written out there.
Ethical non-monogamy is based on the premise that no one person can be everything to another person. Perhaps my confusion comes down to an exercise in semantics. There is a significant difference in my thinking in “sharing” everything with someone and “being” everything to someone.
In a traditionally understood relationship for many, your committed life partner is selected because they are “the one.” In the fairytale-inspired versions, people expect their romantic partner to be all the things all the time. When this starts to unravel and reveal its impossibility, the exit ramp from monogamy opens into the journey of polyamory.
In a polyamorous world, all of your different pieces are shared within those relationships that are accepting of those pieces, or perhaps they are willing or able to meet those unmet needs from other places. In reading a variety of blogs, articles, and social media, people try to balance the time and jealousy that rises from the complexity of all of this compartmentalization.
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A partnership can only go as deep as the shallowest partner is willing to go.
When the mirror gets turned back on my own relationships, my truth runs on a similar track. There are entire aspects of who I am and how I see the world that my spouse completely rejects. In my case, many of my world views, needs for connection and safety, and sexual needs are not welcome in this marital relationship. As a result, there is much of who I am that stays tucked safely in the citadel of my heart.
It would seem the obvious solution would be to fight to get these things addressed or to exercise my agency of choice and leave the marriage. Fighting for change only works if everyone wants to change. That path has been well worn to the point of exhaustion by all parties in my household without any success. And leaving? That’s not as easy as it would seem as we have built a life and family together over decades.
In many ways, this is the problem that polyamory seems to address. We can keep and even enjoy what we have and my “other” needs and desires can be satisfied elsewhere without the disruption of divorce in the existing household.
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But what happens when the thought is not “being” everything to someone else but “sharing” everything instead?
These are small and common words, but they caused an earthquake in my thinking and understanding.
You see, there is still no answer for me to Question 26. At this moment, there is nothing I am lacking, nothing that I am longing for, and no parts in me looking for a partnership. Two years ago, there would have been a laundry list of things I longed to have someone share with me, but that is no longer true.
That brings me to an important truth, one that takes considerable bravery to actually put out in the universe this boldly. The reason that I lack nothing is I have laid myself completely bare to my dearest. There is nothing in me that he does not have access to. That laundry list of things that I had been longing to connect and share with someone has been presented to him as I have undressed my soul to meet him.
He has seen the pain, the silliness, the internal battles, the jealousy, the joy, the sorrow, the provocative, the dominant, the submissive, the anger, the love, the protector, and the broken. He knows my hopes and dreams, my strengths and weaknesses, and my desires and fears. There is no barrier to honesty between us and nothing hiding in the shadows.
The stories he doesn’t know are only unknown because we haven’t gotten there yet. He can ask about anything that strikes his fancy or curiosity and get a completely honest answer. There is no shame, no guilt, and no bar to reach to earn acceptance. We can both show up real and flawed and find solace, comfort, and love.
This is where the difference in understanding has rocked my world. If we begin our committed relationships from a place of openness and honesty where love gives safety to be completely real, it changes the game completely.
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I can never “be” all the things my partner needs.
I am a lousy tennis player and even if I made it my life’s work to get better, that’s not going to happen as I am not an athlete. I love playing and we can enjoy sharing in that space, but his competitive equal I will never be.
Likewise, he will never be my musical theater buddy. He appreciates the art and will indulge in a shared experience but it is not something that he will ever want to meet all my needs in. This doesn’t prevent him from sharing my joy in those spaces. He knows these are things I enjoy and would not reject me for my pleasure in these spaces.
It is important that these aspects of who we are and what we enjoy are not hidden or belittled because it is not a space that we both embrace with the same fervor. I understand his competitive side and appreciate that he has someone to play with within that space. He knows my love of art and theater and willingly shares what works best for him. There is nothing about a connection with another that shares those interests that creates jealousy or is seen as an invasion of the connection we share.
That’s just it. There really is not anything that could be disruptive. If the premise is that we are both adults and both are making choices in our lives that honor each of our needs as well as the needs of our partner, this openness no longer comes with risks. But honesty has to be at the core for both of us. Everything is built on trust and that evaporates with dishonesty or games of hiding our real needs from each other.
There is only one, my dearest, who has chosen to create a space with me that allows all of me to show up. He is someone that I can share everything in life with though there is no way we can be all the things that fill all the roles or meet all of the needs. I wouldn’t want him to, even if by some magic he could be all the things.
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We need people. We need community.
It is healthy and important to develop a range of connections and contacts with others who serve a variety of purposes in our lives as we also serve a purpose in theirs.
With that in mind and all the joy I have found in this relationship, I have no problem that there is no answer to Question 26 for me.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash