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What’s your biggest regret in life?
Is it a mistake you continue to dwell on? A path you realize you should’ve taken? A person you wish you hadn’t given so much time to?
And if you had the opportunity, would you go back in time and do something differently? Or would you take this Cormac McCarthy quote to heart: “You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from”?
Regret is more than a sad, wistful daydream. It can cause us a tremendous amount of pain today and actually prevent us from enjoying our lives.
If you’re holding on to any kind of regret, you can’t miss this week’s new video.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
so what is regret but this story we keep
00:03
telling ourselves that
00:05
we are the person who has done this to
00:08
us
00:09
when in fact you may as well say that a
00:12
stranger in the street
00:15
did this to us
00:16
because since then so many iterations of
00:20
us
00:20
have come along
00:22
[Music]
00:26
steve we’re talking about dwelling on
00:28
our mistakes
00:30
i would say to anyone out there do you
00:32
can you call something to mind right now
00:35
that
00:36
you have
00:38
as a regret
00:40
it’s very easy for
00:42
regret
00:44
to
00:45
make us
00:47
be ourselves up and create a genuine
00:49
sense of self-loathing to the point
00:51
where it’s truly
00:53
difficult to connect with ourselves in a
00:56
positive way and regret can also make us
00:59
very resentful and angry towards the
01:02
world
01:03
you know i can easily bring to mind
01:06
people that
01:07
i’m aware of in my life who
01:10
were in a relationship for many years
01:13
and got to the point where
01:16
they realized that they had to get out
01:19
of it
01:20
but then looked back on the years where
01:23
they’d known something was deeply wrong
01:26
years where they knew that they had
01:28
stayed with the wrong person
01:30
and are now finding themselves
01:31
oscillating between
01:34
anger
01:35
towards
01:36
that person or towards the opposite sex
01:39
in general
01:41
and anger towards themselves for
01:44
allowing it to happen
01:46
so these things can cause a tremendous
01:48
amount of pain for us in the present
01:50
they can cause an immense amount of
01:52
trauma and they really can stop us
01:55
from enjoying our lives in the present
01:58
day
02:00
so i wanted to talk about this today and
02:01
get into it not
02:03
necessarily as a specific topic about
02:06
our
02:07
dating lives although many of our
02:09
regrets may intersect with our love
02:12
lives but
02:14
as a general theme
02:15
that i know will be affecting a lot of
02:17
listeners out there of this podcast
02:20
steve what are your thoughts on regret
02:22
as a concept
02:24
well let me just turn this around one
02:26
moment does
02:27
does matthew hussey
02:29
have regrets
02:32
yes
02:35
yes
02:36
you know steve
02:38
did you know
02:39
that we have a brand new spanking
02:43
virtual retreat coming up i said
02:45
spanking there won’t be any spanking i
02:47
meant to say brand spanking new not
02:50
brand new spanking
02:52
forget it then
02:53
[Music]
02:55
that was your that was your one
02:56
stipulation
02:58
well
02:59
there won’t be spanking but there will
03:00
be a lot of really wonderful things on
03:02
this retreat it’s a virtual retreat for
03:04
those of you that don’t know
03:05
and you could do it from anywhere in the
03:07
world it’s three days of immersive
03:10
coaching and we have over a thousand
03:13
people
03:14
who join from all over the world
03:17
to
03:18
really discover
03:20
how wonderful their life can be if they
03:23
have the right tools and
03:25
for this month only that is the month of
03:28
november so it’s almost over
03:31
there is an early bird offer for the
03:32
virtual retreat which means this is the
03:35
cheapest tickets are going to be between
03:37
now and the event so if you know you
03:39
want to come to this do not delay
03:41
they’re only going to get more expensive
03:43
this is the best deal that you’re going
03:44
to get and it’s only available between
03:47
now and the end of the month this month
03:49
november go to
03:53
mhvirtualretreat.com to get your early
03:55
bird special ticket while they’re still
03:57
available and now on to the episode
04:04
the quick answer is yes and
04:07
and i have
04:08
in my life if i added up the amount of
04:11
time that i have spent
04:13
beating myself up
04:15
for certain things that i have done and
04:17
in my case they fall into both
04:19
categories i have regrets that fall into
04:21
the category of
04:23
i remember a very specific moment in my
04:26
life where i wish i had
04:28
you know i was met with a fork in the
04:30
road where i could have gone one way or
04:31
the other
04:32
and i wish that i had gone the other way
04:37
and i can also look at regrets i have
04:40
around
04:41
things that i did for a long time
04:44
that have had an effect on my life
04:47
there is a
04:49
a paradox
04:51
to my regrets and i suppose to regrets
04:54
in general i i’m sure i’ve quoted this
04:57
on the podcast before but
04:59
anne lamott said um in her
05:02
book everything
05:04
almost everything i know
05:06
i think it’s called but she says all
05:08
truth is paradox
05:10
and it can be true it certainly is true
05:13
for me that
05:14
i both have regrets
05:16
that
05:18
i would be tempted if i were capable of
05:20
doing so i would be tempted to go back
05:23
and do something differently
05:26
but i would also in truth be too afraid
05:28
to change it
05:30
yeah because i would be too afraid of
05:33
losing all the good that has come from
05:35
those
05:36
moments in my life so there is this
05:39
paradox
05:40
that i both have regrets
05:43
but also don’t think that i would change
05:46
those things
05:48
if i could because i’d be too afraid
05:52
that the life that i love today and the
05:54
things that i love in my life today
05:56
would be adversely affected or wouldn’t
05:58
even exist if i did change one of them
06:01
well this is where it gets sort of
06:03
existential because
06:04
some things there’s a core mac mccarthy
06:07
quote that says you never know what
06:09
worst luck your bad luck has saved you
06:11
from
06:12
[Music]
06:13
and there are certain things that you
06:16
might regard as
06:17
bad things befalling you bad decisions
06:20
uh things where you could have made a
06:22
more optimum decision
06:24
you know say you chose
06:26
somewhere different to go to school or
06:28
you
06:29
chose a different partner when you were
06:32
21 you you chose a different girlfriend
06:34
and you go man if i knew i would have
06:36
never dated that person
06:38
but
06:39
you don’t know what that turned you into
06:41
today dating that person you don’t know
06:43
what forks in the road that changed it
06:46
may have saved you from some other kind
06:48
of catastrophe so
06:50
it is a little difficult to play as neil
06:53
ferguson calls it counterfactual history
06:55
with your own life
06:57
there might be obvious ones right maybe
06:59
some people regret they didn’t quit
07:01
smoking earlier
07:03
it’s hard to say there’s going to be an
07:04
upside to having been smoking for an
07:07
extra 20 years so there might be obvious
07:09
ones where you go i should have done
07:10
that sooner or
07:14
great i love later this i should have
07:16
enjoyed it no then or i would have
07:18
enjoyed it in the smoking example
07:22
and in any example like that it’s always
07:24
so easy to say oh god i would have
07:27
you know i if i knew
07:29
then what i know now i wouldn’t have
07:32
smoked or i wouldn’t have i wouldn’t
07:34
have dated that person i wouldn’t have
07:36
married that person i i would have i
07:38
would have changed and you go yeah but
07:40
you weren’t ready
07:42
that that wasn’t who you were then
07:44
you weren’t ready
07:47
if you were ready
07:48
to hear what you’re hearing now and
07:50
acting on now
07:52
you would have done something different
07:55
and but you can’t play that game because
07:58
you weren’t that person
08:00
so it would literally you would be
08:01
reinventing the universe
08:03
if you really do that thought experiment
08:07
of trying to go back to another time in
08:10
your life
08:12
you don’t even truly know that person
08:15
anymore
08:16
yeah you you only know your memory
08:19
of that person
08:21
because over time
08:23
you’ve
08:24
you’ve changed you’ve evolved
08:27
and like you say
08:29
like you say sometimes it’ll hit you if
08:32
you go back and see an email you wrote
08:34
when you were 18 and you’d be like what
08:36
cringy
08:38
idiot wrote this yeah you think who was
08:41
that you won’t even recognize it and
08:43
you’ll be like what is this cringy crap
08:44
i’m writing try reading an old journal
08:47
if you have ever kept a journal try
08:49
reading an old journal
08:51
and it some of those things you you
08:53
laugh because you’re like that that’s so
08:56
funny
08:57
i thought that you know i i did that i
09:01
we
09:02
we shift our memories shift our memories
09:05
of our memories shift our personality
09:08
shifts for all intensive purposes we are
09:11
no longer the same person
09:14
that we were and so when we regret
09:16
something
09:18
all we’re really doing is holding on to
09:21
a story
09:22
a memory of something we wished we’d
09:25
done differently
09:27
but who was done by a person we no
09:30
longer are
09:32
so what is regret but this story we keep
09:36
telling ourselves that
09:38
we are the person who has done this to
09:40
us
09:42
when in fact you may as well say that
09:45
a stranger in the street
09:47
did this to us
09:49
because since then so many iterations of
09:52
us
09:53
have come along
09:56
and that’s why
09:57
i when i say regret not only
10:01
kills our happiness
10:03
but blinds us to our potential
10:06
i sincerely mean
10:09
that
10:10
we have no concept of just how much
10:13
we’re capable of today
10:15
we have no concept of what is possible
10:17
for us
10:19
of what we can do i went to poland with
10:21
wim hof and a group of 10 people
10:24
for an ice retreat where i was jumping
10:26
off of cliffs into frozen lakes doing 10
10:29
minute ice baths climbing up a mountain
10:31
in nothing but my shorts in the snow for
10:33
hours on end i would have thought that i
10:35
would get hypothermia and die
10:38
previously in my life if i attempted
10:39
that and i did that and that was
10:41
something that i never imagined i could
10:43
possibly do i was someone that you know
10:44
me steve we would go skiing when we were
10:47
teenagers and my hands would freeze and
10:50
that was underneath two sets of gloves
10:53
you’re a right little shivering ninny in
10:57
your big old onesie
10:59
scared of the cold
11:01
couldn’t hack it on the chair lift
11:03
and that’s i’m saying that the nicest
11:05
way possible no yeah no i appreciate you
11:07
handling that delicately
11:10
i um no i was uh well mum used to have
11:12
is it reinus where you you have bad
11:14
circulation and i seem to have inherited
11:17
that from her my fingers would go yellow
11:19
in the cold and then i oh now you make
11:21
me now you make me sound like a jerk
11:23
because you have an actual condition so
11:25
don’t
11:26
do that and that is chess
11:30
but i i you know it was it was something
11:33
that i never would have thought i could
11:34
do and then i went and did this thing
11:35
and and it’s completely here’s the thing
11:39
the literal thing is oh it changed my
11:41
relationship with the cold and what i
11:43
thought i could do in the cold but it
11:45
did so much more than that what it did
11:46
is it made me realize what else
11:49
in my life
11:51
am i capable of that i’ve been telling
11:53
myself i can’t do
11:54
and i would say to everyone out there
11:56
listening right now if you’re listening
11:57
to this in your car on the train
11:59
wherever you listen to this in your
12:01
house
12:02
think right now have you ever had a
12:04
moment where you did something that
12:06
previously you thought you
12:08
couldn’t do or you thought you wouldn’t
12:11
enjoy
12:12
and it made you realize
12:15
oh my god i’ve
12:17
there must be so by just
12:21
just the logic of this means that there
12:23
must be so many other things in my life
12:26
that i can do
12:27
the world just got so much bigger
12:29
because there’s all these things i told
12:30
myself i couldn’t do and that was a lie
12:33
and it was based on this idea that i had
12:36
of myself which is all wrapped up in our
12:38
regrets and our self-loathing and what
12:40
i’ve done in the past this idea of what
12:42
i’m capable of this idea of what my
12:45
limitations are that is only based on
12:47
looking in the rear view mirror it’s not
12:50
based on the future this isn’t some i
12:51
really want people to understand this
12:53
this isn’t
12:54
some motivational kind of rant i’m going
12:57
on
12:58
i’m saying that the sheer logic
13:02
checks out that
13:05
what we know ourselves to be capable of
13:07
today is only based on
13:11
what we’ve done before
13:14
it is not based on what’s possible in
13:16
the future on what we haven’t done yet
13:20
and if we want to do more
13:23
then it starts by saying like he’s it’s
13:26
almost like here’s a formula that we can
13:28
all use
13:29
okay i have regrets
13:32
wonderful as david white the british
13:34
poet says regret
13:36
if you don’t have any regrets where have
13:38
you been
13:39
there when someone says no regrets i
13:41
never no regret nothing where have you
13:43
been yeah in little miss sunshine steve
13:46
carell says proust said about suffering
13:48
it’s like that’s where he learned
13:49
everything right all that suffering
13:52
he that’s that’s where he learned all
13:54
the richness all the stuff of life was
13:57
in that and and david white mentions you
13:59
know you could if you bullied someone at
14:01
school and you regret it
14:02
that regret changes the way you treat
14:04
people for the rest of your life
14:06
without the regret where’s the impetus
14:09
for change
14:11
where does the fuel come from when you
14:13
regret something it gives you an
14:15
opportunity to change so if we take our
14:17
regrets from the past and we say okay
14:19
the first part of my formula is to use
14:21
this regret as fuel
14:23
what is it i want to do
14:26
now what is it i want to do differently
14:29
and if you’re telling yourself oh but i
14:30
don’t have much time left or i’ve
14:32
already wasted so much time there’s not
14:34
that much left on the clock well guess
14:37
what you’re still here which means you
14:38
can still suffer from making the wrong
14:40
decisions
14:41
so if all you want is to avoid suffering
14:45
it still makes sense to do things
14:47
differently
14:48
christopher hitchens said choose your
14:50
regrets in life
14:52
choose your regrets we’re all going to
14:54
have them choose your regrets
14:56
now are you gonna live to to regret
15:00
this moment where you found something
15:01
out and then still ignored it
15:04
and you still had all this time left on
15:05
the clock where you could have made a
15:06
shift where you could have done
15:07
something different you could live to
15:09
regret spending more years beating
15:11
yourself up instead of more years living
15:13
or making an impact
15:15
but we use that regret
15:18
to go out and do something and i believe
15:21
that even though change is a slow
15:22
process
15:24
we wildly overestimate how much time it
15:27
will take to feel better
15:29
i’ll repeat that change
15:32
is a slow process
15:34
getting different results in our life
15:36
can be a slow process
15:38
whether it’s the path to building
15:40
financial independence and freedom
15:43
whether it’s the path to
15:45
building a great relationship whether
15:47
it’s the path to having a great body
15:49
whether it’s the path to having strong
15:51
friendships whether it’s the path to
15:53
just being a better person these things
15:56
don’t happen overnight we know that
15:57
because we know how hard it is to change
15:59
our habit changing a habit is a
16:01
difficult thing
16:02
we have our reflexes we have our wiring
16:05
and it’s about unwiring and rewiring and
16:08
that takes time but feeling better
16:11
doesn’t take nearly as much time as we
16:13
think it will
16:15
i am
16:16
always surprised
16:18
when i’m feeling
16:20
terribly low or when i’m feeling behind
16:24
or when i feel overwhelmed and i am
16:26
telling myself that is i’m gonna have to
16:28
move a mountain in order to
16:31
get out of this situation
16:36
of that
16:37
has some truth to it
16:40
in order to fundamentally change the
16:42
situation that i’m overwhelmed by
16:45
usually it is gonna mean a lot of work
16:48
over time
16:50
the part that i’m miscalculating is how
16:53
quickly i can feel better
16:56
it’s like writing a book
16:57
if i feel overwhelmed by the prospect of
16:59
writing a book
17:02
the
17:03
feeling
17:04
that writing a book is is
17:07
going to require a ton of hours
17:09
is appropriate
17:11
it will
17:13
what i’m underestimating is how good
17:16
i’ll feel just by writing for one hour
17:19
absolutely 100 agree because you you
17:22
write for one hour and you get this
17:23
immediate feeling of empowerment
17:26
and satisfaction in your day and even a
17:28
kind of you know it steve that writing
17:30
euphoria you get after you’ve done a
17:31
writing session just the mere act of
17:33
having written gives you a kind of
17:35
euphoria
17:36
that is detached from
17:39
whether you
17:41
got you may have only got half a percent
17:43
closer
17:44
to finishing the thing but the euphoria
17:47
is actually attached to more so
17:50
to just having been the person you
17:52
wanted to be in that hour then it’s
17:53
attached to the progress you made
17:56
oh for sure and i think people get way
17:58
too uh bogged down in the oh i made
18:03
these mistakes earlier
18:05
way too bogged down and overestimate the
18:06
cost of that and they underestimate
18:09
everything they can do
18:11
now and the possibility now the next
18:13
month ahead the next year ahead 10 years
18:15
ahead you know there’s so much you can
18:17
do to change how you feel that there’s
18:20
not there’s so little value in being
18:22
bogged down in that mistake and
18:24
decoupling
18:26
the results
18:28
that you’ll get in your life from
18:30
changing something now
18:32
from the feeling you can have now
18:36
by doing something different yeah the
18:38
results may be slow
18:40
but the feeling doesn’t have to be the
18:42
reward
18:43
of doing something different and the
18:46
pride that that creates
18:48
the feeling of i’m finally living or i’m
18:51
finally being the courageous person i
18:53
wanted to be or i’m finally having
18:56
difficult conversations that i’ve been
18:58
putting off forever and the pride that
19:01
gives us
19:02
and it’s not oh i’m finally proud of the
19:05
person i hated before no it’s you’re not
19:08
the person you were before stop
19:10
associating with that person
19:12
you’re a new person yeah and you get to
19:15
be proud of this brand new person today
19:18
you get to be that
19:20
it doesn’t mean that that new person
19:22
today is going to have wildly different
19:24
circumstances from the person who woke
19:25
up yesterday because the circumstances
19:27
take time to change in most situations
19:32
but you can have a completely different
19:35
feeling about the person who woke up
19:37
today just by doing something different
19:39
and when you get a different feeling
19:42
that starts to breed confidence
19:46
because when you feel like man i just
19:48
went for a run this morning and you know
19:50
my weight didn’t change
19:52
but i’m really proud of myself
19:55
i went for that run i did a hard thing
19:57
that gives us confidence you start
19:59
thinking what else could i do today i i
20:02
get the same feeling when i tidy the
20:03
house i just it’s a small thing but i
20:05
tidy a room in the house and i suddenly
20:07
go what else could i do right now or
20:09
when i complete a piece of work for the
20:11
or even make progress for an hour or do
20:13
something difficult i think what else do
20:15
i want to take on today you get momentum
20:17
the feeling creates momentum and
20:20
momentum creates consistency and
20:22
consistency over time creates results
20:26
and so that is the formula let your
20:28
regret
20:30
have you make a different decision right
20:32
now i want something to be different i
20:35
want to have a different feeling about
20:36
the person i am today well what does
20:38
that mean i have to do today go do that
20:39
thing even if you don’t get results get
20:41
the feeling when you get the feeling
20:44
you start to get that confidence
20:46
and when you get that confidence you get
20:48
momentum momentum is consistency
20:50
consistency is results
20:52
you’re alive today
20:55
so don’t let your regret blind you to
20:57
how happy you can be right now by being
21:00
the person you want to be
21:02
and that also starts
21:05
by
21:06
changing the the meaning for ourselves
21:09
of the word regret
21:11
when i say
21:12
i regret things
21:14
and people may have heard me say that
21:16
earlier in this episode and thought man
21:18
that’s really sad that matt wishes he
21:19
could go back and do things differently
21:21
i want to make it very clear to people
21:24
when i say i regret something i don’t
21:26
that’s not imbued with all of this
21:29
emotion and the poison
21:31
that we associate with regret when we
21:33
just keep drinking this poison of
21:35
self-hatred it’s not that
21:38
it’s
21:38
it’s really me saying i wouldn’t do that
21:41
today
21:43
i wouldn’t do that today but i don’t
21:46
hate me today
21:48
for something that
21:51
a past me did
21:54
i wake up today
21:56
and get to be who i want to be
21:59
and instead of seeing it all as wasted
22:02
time and or look at all that’s been lost
22:06
i can a look at what’s been gained
22:08
through the insight and also acknowledge
22:09
that i literally wouldn’t have that
22:11
insight without that regret so to wish
22:14
to not have the regret is to also rid
22:16
yourself of the insight
22:19
but also to realize that
22:22
if i just take on the attitude that i am
22:25
a brand new person today
22:28
i don’t actually think
22:30
in this timeline of let’s say you were
22:34
70 years old and you were gonna die at
22:36
80
22:37
and you only had 10 years left and you’d
22:39
been doing something your entire life
22:42
and you looked at the calculation of
22:43
your life and said
22:46
this is so sad i’ve missed out on 50
22:49
years
22:50
of a certain thing
22:52
because of what i’ve done and i only
22:54
have 10 years left
22:57
i want to offer a different perspective
23:00
what if the life
23:03
of that 70 year old began today
23:07
what if instead of thinking about
23:09
yourself as someone who’s been alive for
23:11
70 years that’s going to be alive for 80
23:14
what if instead you said
23:17
i’m a person who was born today who has
23:20
10 years to live
23:23
you’d have a completely different
23:25
but but you inherited
23:28
all of the insights of someone who’s
23:30
been alive for 70 years
23:34
so i am being born today and i have 10
23:36
years to live as hard as i want as much
23:39
as i want as richly as i want as
23:41
enjoyably as i want i have 10 years to
23:44
live not
23:45
i’ve got 10 years to live but i’ve got
23:48
i’ve i have 10 years to live
23:51
as much as i want this is a gift
23:54
i woke up today and i have 10 years to
23:56
live
23:57
but i also inherit the insights of this
24:00
other dude who’s been around for 70
24:02
years what do i want to do with these 10
24:05
years
24:07
that’s now you don’t think of it as i’ve
24:09
got 10 years left you think of it as
24:11
i have 10 years
24:14
starting from scratch now
24:17
to go hard and live the way
24:19
that i want to live that to me is
24:21
exciting
24:23
yeah
24:24
and that’s the game we all get to play
24:26
with ourselves starting today
24:29
love
24:30
love the person who got you the insight
24:34
and make the person proud who started
24:37
today
24:39
yeah you might like be
24:41
an alien who drops in this body and
24:43
you’d be like huh
24:45
this person’s in some toxic crappy
24:47
relationship they’ve wasted ten years
24:48
yeah i’m gonna go and i’m gonna go and
24:50
have a conversation now and end that
24:52
[ __ ] yeah and uh let’s do something else
24:55
that’s exactly it and it’s like huh we
24:57
have all this to play with now look i
24:59
can go and call that person make that
25:01
connection have that adventure it’s like
25:04
my slate to paint on instead of like
25:07
carrying everything from the past with
25:10
you all the time and i remember charlie
25:13
munger who i see as sort of a a bit of a
25:15
spiritual mentor um you know great
25:18
investor sort of wise man 97
25:22
uh and he uh
25:24
you know he just talked about in this
25:26
one meeting about the cost of bitterness
25:28
and the cost of carrying you know
25:31
anything
25:32
carrying any sense of bitterness of past
25:35
decisions past things someone did he
25:37
said it’s just it’s so so so fundamental
25:41
to not carry
25:43
bitterness with you and it was sort of
25:45
one cornerstone thing he said a drum
25:47
into anyone is
25:49
don’t don’t carry bitterness from the
25:51
past and pass decisions past problems
25:55
with you now
25:56
if you wanna
25:57
you know be fruitful enjoy your life do
26:00
things now that’s beautiful really
26:03
important to let go of that
26:06
guys i hope you enjoyed that video um
26:09
i hope that you are seeing with these
26:11
videos we’re making that there’s a
26:13
bigger conversation happening here that
26:14
it’s not just about dating advice that i
26:17
am in i i love being involved in the
26:19
deeper issues that affect our lives i
26:21
really believe that the only way to
26:24
truly have a great love life is to love
26:26
life and the only way to love life
26:29
is to begin by loving ourselves i have
26:32
coming up in march 2022 my next virtual
26:36
retreat
26:37
where for three days of coaching
26:39
immersion i work with people to fall in
26:42
love with their life and fall back in
26:44
love with themselves or maybe fall in
26:46
love with themselves for the first time
26:49
it is a mind-blowing life-changing
26:52
experience and for the month of november
26:55
we have an early bird offer that means
26:57
it’s a deep discount if you’re coming to
26:59
the virtual retreat in march this is the
27:01
best price you’ll get between now and
27:02
the event all you need to do to get
27:04
access to that early bird offer while
27:06
it’s available in november is go to
27:08
mhvirtualretreat.com
27:11
and that is not available for long now
27:13
so while it’s on your mind if you know
27:15
you’re gonna come go to that link now
27:17
and grab your spot mh virtualretreat.com
27:21
and i’ll see you in the next video
27:23
[Music]
27:43
you
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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