It was 2018, the first holiday season in the house we’d purchased together. Things had gone from bad to worse over the year, I intuitively knew that this relationship was ending, and I was dreading spending another Christmas with him.
You see, along with a few pleasant holidays traditions we’d created together — Christmas stockings with silly gifts, champagne for breakfast, special ornaments for the tree — there were some other things that seemed to happen every year that were very unpleasant. He’d be edgy and distant Christmas morning, and no matter what I said about his gifts to me always said something like “That’s fine. I can tell you don’t like it.”
I always put great care into what I bought for him, but invariably he was unenthusiastic and barely said thank you. He’d drink too much at holiday parties and pull friends aside to complain about me. He’d disappear into his office after dinner or be “too tired” to spend any time sitting by the fire talking (nothing new about this, but it stung even more during the holidays). And worst of all, he seemed to ramp up his need to devalue and criticize me during this time, leaving me wondering why I was working so hard to create a holiday experience if I was doing everything wrong.
And so, as I placed ornaments on the giant tree we’d bought for our high-ceilinged living room, I found myself wondering if I’d be doing this here the next year. Turns out, the answer was no, as I left the following spring. December 2019 found me alone in a rental house, with a much smaller tree, and just my two cats for company. To my surprise, it was actually lovely. Instead of the tension and mistreatment of the previous year, I had that most precious of all gifts: peace.
But if the person is highly narcissistic, it’s likely that, like me, you experience other holiday “traditions” that make you feel like c***. There are many things about the holidays that narcissists actually dislike. They don’t tend to experience that same joy that others have in the act of giving itself, but at best see it as a way to get “supply.” (However, it is typical that nothing you say will ever be grateful enough for what they give you.) They don’t like to pay attention while others open gifts. They don’t like it if someone else’s cookies or candy receive more praise than theirs. Etc.
Narcissists typically have a difficult time with any celebration that is not focused solely on them, and they tend to do what they can to make things about themselves as much as possible, or sulk and complain if they can’t. As a result, holidays often bring out the worst in them, and targets of narcissistic abuse often feel they must walk on eggshells even more than usual. This can feel particularly exhausting if you as the target are working hard to make a lovely holiday and have to balance the dysregulation of the narcissist, your own hopes, and the needs of other family members and friends.
And so, I want to gently ask, if you are reluctant to leave or cut off a highly narcissistic partner or relative because of the fear it will ruin the holidays, will it really? Or is it possible that by not having their toxicity around, you and your loved ones can finally have the celebration and peace you so richly deserve?
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name
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Thank you Ann. I am sure this is a difficult memory for you and for so many other people at this “holiday” time of year. Relational trauma is one form of trauma that I believe is the least visible to victims, that is, until they find a way out. And the assumptions that families are forever, that we should be dedicated no matter what, is sadly entrapping many is toxic relationships. I believe that going “no contact” on a family member is appropriate when we find ourselves the victim of another’s twisted personality.