Faking Love

Is fake love better than no love?

What is fake love? Someone who keeps caring for you even though they no longer feel sexually attracted to you?

And does it matter whether your love is the “real thing” or you’re just going through the motions because it’s the moral, righteous thing to do?

Are we all hypocritical, two-faced, delusional liars who desperately want to have sex with others but are too afraid or conflicted to admit it?

Is there ever an appropriate time to say to your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse, “Honey. The sex is predictable, rote, and old?”

Are we entering a new age of romance where people will begin to speak openly about how they feel at each stage of their relationship?

A sort of running commentary and appraisal on where things stand — “Honey, as of this moment, I give our sex lives a 4, our household compatibility an 8, and I place the chances of me cheating on you at approximately 68%, and rising.”

Imagine if we literally expressed exactly how we feel in real-time, “Sweetie, I know we’ve been together for several years but I’m having an uncontrollable urge to sleep with the cashier at Walmart.”

Because we care

We don’t discuss our true feelings with our spouses for several reasons.

Clearly, saying out loud what’s on our minds, particularly when it comes to who we want to sleep with, would be hurtful, not to mention socially outrageous.

But why not?

Instead, we define caring about someone by how convincingly we can lie to them with a straight face about how our feelings have evolved.

We think we can control whom we love, but we cannot.

We don’t walk into a restaurant thinking the waitress is going to arouse us to the point of near intoxication.

We don’t walk into a room and point at someone we find attractive, saying, “You will love me forever because I say so.” We know we can’t control others’ feelings toward us any more than we can predict the winning numbers of the lottery.

Love controls us more than we control it

Love is out of our control; sex isn’t.

We shouldn’t spend our lives expecting every physical attraction to lead to a lifelong romance.

Cupid decides, not us. No matter how strong the feelings of attraction we have for someone, our bodies can’t stay in the, can’t eat-can’t sleep phase indefinitely — we would die from lack of food and sleep.

We should expect temptation and desire to creep in because it makes life immensely exciting. And like the teetotaler who occasionally gets drunk, we like to flex our sexual muscles every now and then.

It’s normal.

It makes us feel alive and attractive and desired. Sex feels great when it’s reckless and unpredictable.

For some, just knowing they have the power and option to have multiple sex partners, is enough, they don’t have to actually act on it — a fantasy in their mind’s eye is enough.

For others, like a closet smoker sneaking a cigarette, they need to occasionally indulge in wild, sloppy sex in order to fulfill their temptations and desires.

I can’t control the way I feel

Is it possible what we define as love — caring for someone and being loyal to them — isn’t love at all, but a form of simply displaying good manners and trying not to hurt them?

Does that explain why we’re often attracted to those who don’t treat us particularly well or seem incompatible with us?

Is the story of Cupid’s Arrow true — some mysterious, powerful angel out there decides who we’re going to love, based on factors we can’t possibly comprehend?

Is it wiser to start re-defining love based on what we can control and what we cannot? Meaning, stop panicking over how we “feel” at any particular moment in a relationship?

Should we stop over-analyzing our feelings, accepting we have no control over who’s going to love us forever, and make a conscious decision to be devoted to them for life regardless of our evolving feelings and desires?

Bluntly, should we force ourselves to keep loving someone even when they no longer excite us romantically?

Fairytales aren’t real

It’s not as simple as confusing sex for love. We desire sex with many people and will do so over our entire lives. We consciously know there’s a honeymoon phase and that explosive knock-your-socks-off sex doesn’t last.

So if we acknowledge some invisible force determines who we’re attracted to and that we cannot control it, why do we keep searching for a fairytale that doesn’t exist?

Are we just hopeless romantics who believe — like winning the lottery — we’ll be that one in 20 million?

Why not accept reality?

Because we want to possess love, we can’t accept something so beautiful and powerful can be so fleeting and cruel.

We want sex with someone we love to be mind-blowing forever. We want the butterflies to last forever….and when they don’t we either fake it or move on.

If we fake it, we have affairs on the side to satisfy our physical desires, or we use self-control to avoid acting on those desires.

Either way, we’re immensely vulnerable.

What would complete honesty accomplish?

Maybe nothing good.

We can’t always find the right words to express our feelings for someone, so we say things mindlessly — “I love you,” sounds no different than, “I love pizza.”

What would happen if we told our spouses, “I’m sorry, while I have a profound appreciation for our marriage, I no longer want to have sex with you. In fact, I’d prefer to have sex with our new neighbor who’s expressed some interest.”

Clearly, the person hearing those words would be deeply hurt and disillusioned. But would it be any less hurtful than catching you cheating and lying about it?

It’s easy to say love and sex exist on two different planets, and never the two shall meet — but we need to reconcile the two much better than we currently do.

Summary

We seem to be stuck in a state of purposeful delusion — knowing marriages evolve, yet denying our natural desires out of fear of the implications or trying to avoid hurting someone.

We can’t control how long sex will be wild and exciting and at what point it will become predictable and rote.

If we lie about it, we can keep things going in a relationship or marriage, but would that be a form of faking love?

As painful and socially outrageous as it seems, I suggest it’s better to own up to both your feelings and actions.

We control who we have sex with. It’s not a mystery. Someone doesn’t just show up in our bed — we invite them in. If we choose to play around, we can either lie about it or tell the truth.

I realize the truth may set you free in a way you weren’t anticipating, but imagine the relief and peace of mind of simply saying, “I love you, but don’t feel sexually attracted to you anymore,” and just letting the chips fall where they may.

So, how do you know if someone truly loves you or is just going through the motions?

You don’t.

But if you can trust every word coming out of their mouth as being the truth, at least you’ll know where you truly stand.

Sort of a twist on Oprah’s living your best life mantra — I say, “Live your most truthful life — those you love deserve it.”

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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Photo credit: Volodymyr Tokar on Unsplash