Father Is a Verb and So Is Mother, for That Matter

Here is my response to Elle Beau ❇︎ ’s story:

I know, you stopped the chat on your story. But I had to respond in some way. You are right on the money, lady.

On all accounts, from your response to our cultural narrative about two-parent heterosexual households to your findings on single-parent (mom) homes, it all makes sense. Matrilineal cultures, rape culture, and so much more are a side effect of our dominance-based patriarchal cultural norms. And it needs to stop.

There is only one way for it to stop. And it is through the feminine trait of connection.

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I was a single mom long before I was actually single. I learned very early-on (as an angry and lonely spouse) that if I didn’t get some help, I was going to drown.

I didn’t have any money, but I had skills. I baked and cooked for people. I traded produce and goat milk. But with my bartering I “bought” people’s time. I “paid” other men to help tutor my son in school subjects, but mostly because I knew he needed the influence of other people in his life. Most of that mentoring was done for free, in the scouting program or with men who were just friends with a lot of experience and wisdom.

I was very blessed to have a lot of men in my life who were safe. I was literally living with one of the only unsafe men I knew. Not that he was present. That, he wasn’t. And thank God for it.

At a very young age, my son had my younger brothers to play with and work with. My son had my father to hang out with and learn from while he worked on his property nearby. They cut, split and stacked wood together. They did home projects together. They talked together. My father once told me this: “Samuel (name changed) is more interesting to talk to than most people my age.” He really loved learning things, that kid.

Like I said, I was blessed and I knew it. I was raising four children under the poverty level most of the time. It was difficult at best. But my parents and friends made it work. I am forever grateful.

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But I feel like the cultural narrative is harmful. It’s not just inaccurate. That a child needs a mom…needs a dad…is harmful. One parent, faithful, loyal, and present is enough. The village makes up the rest. If you build it.

The reason that it is harmful and toxic is this:

It set us up for failure from the get-go. MOST of us don’t have both a present father and mother. So, does that mean that MOST of us are screwed forever?

That’s what the narrative is telling us.

It’s telling my kids that they will forever be responsible for the wound that their absent father caused, the big, gaping hole left by his neglect. It’s telling the majority of our children that there is something inherently wrong with them because their parents couldn’t get along (or one was toxic, which is more often the story).

Many of are glad when the other parent is absent. They were not only NOT helpful, but were actively destroying relationships inside our families. A present parent isn’t unicorns and rainbows, hardly ever anyway.

Even when there is a father in the picture, they are rarely present. (Not that mothers today are present, either).

Equal rights means we all miss out equally, too, I guess?

No matter, a village is needed. I know that.

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One of my best friends is lesbian. She has birthed two children with her wife of over 15 years. They have been incredibly intentional with their child-rearing. She has even written a book about it. For What It’s Worth is the title. It’s a great read.

She knows that connection is important. With all genders, including males. She has neighbors who are male, who come over to read to her children when they are free. They are a little older with no children and LOVE to spend time with the kids.

She and her wife had children ON PURPOSE and paid good money for them in the process. They want the best for their kids. They know they cannot do it alone. Because we don’t live our lives in a vacuum. And the time to teach that to children is when they are young.

When they are young, they need to have connections with people of all shapes and sizes, and preferably of all colors and genders. Teaching our children to love everyone requires exposure to EVERYONE through media and especially through our speech, as parents.

How we talk about people of any gender, of any nationality, results in our children’s propensity toward love or prejudice. It’s just child development 101, people.

Thank you, Elle Beau ❇︎ for your article. It really made me think about my child-rearing experience and give it a little more validation than I’ve been able to give it in the past.

My children are not screwed forever. They are loved. They are loved by many, many people. And that is because I love many, many people and they love me back. It’s easy for them to be loyal, kind, patient, and good to my children when I’ve set the stage. And I did. And I will keep doing it.

Because I MOTHER. And fathers can FATHER just the same. I see it happen, across the street, every day.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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