Fearing Anxiety

Anxiety is my biggest struggle. I have battled with it for years now, and there is nothing that seems to help manage it. There are some things that help, but it depends on your current mindset. The real kicker is, when in moments of panic, it feels like there’s nothing at all that can be done to help.

I’m now discovering a new anxiety that has risen over the past few months. This may be the scariest of all. It’s the anxiety of having anxiety.

Sounds crazy, right?

The anxiety has taken such a form of its own that it is now ruling my life. The thought of having another panic attack or even just intense anxiety is giving me chills. I currently have them right now.

I’m not sure the cause. However, if I were to guess, I would say perhaps my previous episodes were so intense that I actually became traumatized. I’m not certain this is possible, but the idea that I can have trauma from my own thought processes is frightening.

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As I write this article, I am in a relatively good place and am about to embark on the adventure of becoming a motivational speaker.

They say the top two fears in the world are public speaking and death. As it turns out, they both don’t frighten me. However, it must have been one hell of a trade off when I dodged those two and inherited every other fear in the metaphoric book.

Sure, I have nerves about this endeavor. They’re not about speaking in front of groups of teens, it’s more about the fear of failure. I feel like a lot of my life revolves around my failures as a professional, and I carry them with me. Failing would be my biggest fear, as far as the speaking goes. I cannot simply let go of my failures. Even as a child, a 95% on a test was just 5% shy of a 100%. I could never be satisfied with my accomplishments, and even put a negative “glass half empty” spin on them.

Another anxiety that really hits close to home: disappointment.

If this doesn’t work out the way that I want it to, there will be a ton of disappointment. I’m not like the typical guy who will harp on his disappointment for a week or month, then move on. I’m the guy that will carry that disappointment for an extended period of time and transform it into shame. I’ll even identify myself with this shame.

I have an incredibly hard time separating myself from things I’ve done. For instance, if I fail, I am a failure. However, a healthy mindset would be, “I’m a man that failed that one time.” I don’t need the burden of this negative self-identity, however, it, unfortunately, comes naturally to me.

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Sure, the insight I have into my own mind is great. However, it doesn’t really help so much. The feeling of terror I get is so primal, it shakes me and won’t let go.

I don’t know how else to describe it, other than it feeling like I’m in a horror movie running away from the demon, or what have you.

I suppose the good news to this article is that I’ve been taking my own advice. I’ve been on here, writing, far more often. This puts me in a borderline meditative state. Writing, for me, is the best way for me to kind of separate myself from the anxiety, and just get my feelings out on the page (or screen).

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I know exactly what I need to shake to start ridding myself of the intrusive anxiety. There is a huge difference between knowing what is wrong, and knowing how to fix it. I guess you can say I’m not at the “knowing how to fix it” stage.

What I need to do is get rid of this feeling of shame that I’ve carried with me my entire life. No matter what good I accomplish, I always feel as though I am not good enough. Therefore, I assume I am wrong, stupid, and worthless. That is literally it. Those are the only views I am able to have of myself.

Self-confidence is the entire thing!

If I can only figure out how to value myself the way I value others, I will be set. The negative self-talk in my mind is off the charts and constant. I need to silence the noise that comes from within, and take in the positive words of others that I’ve been hearing my entire life.

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Sharing my story, and never-give-up attitude is going to help me as much as it will the audience. Hearing myself talk about all I have been through, and the fact that I’m here today is a triumph and something I ought to be proud of!

Stay strong, and leave a comment if you’ve ever felt this level of anxiety. If you have any tips I’d love to hear it, and if you just want to vent that’s great too! After all, blogging is a form of venting, am I right?

Have a great day and keep trucking!

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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