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Here are a few tips all men should know before approaching a woman.
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No one wants to come across as “creepy”, especially not to the attractive person they’ve just approached. In the case of men who approach women, the word creepy doesn’t even need to be said.
A cold shoulder, quick step, or plain old rejection from a woman or her group of friends can signal to some men that they’ve just been dismissed as a “creep”.
So what exactly is a creep? A creep isn’t always the spray tanned, aggressively narcissistic jerk who treats women like crap as a way of hitting on them. A creepy person could be anyone of any gender or sexual orientation, well-meaning or otherwise, who makes someone else feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or wary.
For this article, we’re going to focus on the social norms and expectations targeting straight men. Given how men and women are socialized around dating in our society, men are more encouraged to behave in creepy ways toward women.
But thankfully tons of guys don’t actually engage in creepy behavior (yay!) Unfortunately, the ones who do, really really stand out.
The good news for people who don’t want to come across as creepy is that they have some level of control over how they make other people feel. When flirting, or even just being friendly, the key word to remember is boundaries.
Boundaries are the invisible gates of social interaction that people set up for themselves. For example, this woman at the coffee shop has set up a social boundary.
Credit: pigeonbits.tumblr.com
Though we’re focusing on interactions between straight men and women, please remember that this advice applies to anyone of any gender and sexual orientation who recognizes that they engage in problematic, creepy behavior.
So for those of us who do want to be respectful of boundaries but are unsure of how to approach someone, here are some things to keep in mind.
1. Read Her Body Language
Let’s say a woman on a train has headphones on and is reading a book. In her mind, this may seem like a clear signal that she wants to be left alone.
But, wanting to be friendly, you approach her and attempt to strike up a conversation. Since she’s engrossed in something, you might just say, “Hey I wanted to talk to you a bit but don’t want to be a bother either. Is it ok if we chatted?”
This hasn’t crossed into creepy territory, because you’ve asked her and not assumed anything. But if the woman is constantly trying to bow out of the conversation or if she avoids making eye contact, chances are she wants to be left alone.
If her body language is even stronger — she frowns when approached or scoots away and puts her music on blast — then she clearly wants to be left alone.
This may seem like common sense, but women who do their best to make it clear that they are not interested in interacting still get harassed and badgered. A woman walking down the street wearing headphones, and a scowl might even be told by others to “smile,” which may seem like a nice sentiment if it weren’t coming from a total stranger who is more concerned with her appearance than with how she actually feels.
What’s more, some women may smile or act polite out of nervousness or fear, so smiling shouldn’t always be taken as a sign of interest. That’s why body language is only part of the equation when it comes to picking up on boundaries
2. Listen To What She Says
Let’s rewind the previous scenario. Let’s say the woman on the train is reading her book and you approach her. She smiles and takes her headphones out and you have a short but good conversation. You decide to ask for her phone number, but she politely declines.
A non-creepy person recognizes the rejection and moves on. A creepy person reads her signals wrong and presumes that she’s interested based on her body language and pleasant conversation. A creepy person might then decide to continue trying to get a phone number in the hopes that her “positive” response to his approach can be exploited.
If you don’t want to be creepy, do not do this. “No means no” applies outside of sex as well — if someone sets a clear boundary with their words, it’s important to respect that.
A clear rejection, more often than not, is a boundary that says “do not pursue further.” This is true even if the woman on the train genuinely likes you and smiles at you but does not want to give you her number or go out with you.
She’s not leading you on as some guys think. Just because she has a pleasant conversation with you doesn’t mean she wants to date you or owes you her number. Being friendly can sometimes just be that and nothing more.
3. Do Not Stare Or Follow — It’s Scary!
So the woman in the train is reading and you’re thinking of approaching her. As you’re gathering up the courage, you find yourself absent-mindedly looking in her direction. She’s noticed, and is visibly uncomfortable under your gaze.
Easy mistake. At this point you can just look away. But do try to be aware of your gaze when approaching strangers.
Being stared at is unsettling for everyone because we can’t read minds — we don’t know if the person staring is thinking, “What a nice scarf they’re wearing,” or “I think I’ll follow them home and strangle them with that ugly scarf.”
Following someone is creepy for the same reason. In the scenario with the train, maybe your car is noisy and the woman is really far away from you and you have to get conspicuously close to her to say anything. If she’s aware of her surroundings, you moving toward her might instantly set her on edge and make her less receptive to your greeting.
The same could be said for meeting women on the street, at parties, in clubs, anywhere. If you’re approaching someone from a distance, try to get their attention and make your intentions clear before you make a beeline for them. You don’t want the person to feel like you snuck up on them.
4. Don’t Assume She’ll Like You Because You’re Being Respectful
If you’ve done everything you could to be respectful — respected her boundaries, avoided staring, avoided catcalling – you’re on the right track. But don’t expect women to fall at your feet just because you were respectful.
Respect is a basic human right. Showing respect to someone else doesn’t automatically get you brownie points in the dating world, and you may still get rejected even if you’ve been respectful.
Does this mean women hate guys who treat them with respect? Nope. It just means that women do not owe romantic attraction to everyone who treats them like a human being.
So respecting boundaries isn’t necessarily about finding a new way to seduce women — it’s just common courtesy.
5. Don’t Assume That She Wants Your Attention Because She’s Attractive and In Public
Women who wear heavy makeup, push-up bras, heels, or other “sexualized” clothing in public aren’t necessarily looking for the attention of every man in the room. And even if she is, this doesn’t mean that she wants to be treated with less respect.
It’s a common misconception that women are constantly dressing up for the sole purpose of getting men to talk to them. The truth is, you’re never going to know why someone chose to wear they outfit they’re wearing.
They might be dressing that way because it’s comfortable for them, they’re interested in attracting someone else, or they just like to look good.
Either way, try not to make assumptions about someone else’s motives. Unless you’re a telepath, you really don’t know.
6. Don’t Take It Personally If She Gives You the Cold Shoulder
She may have given you the cold shoulder because she wasn’t into you personally. She may also have given you the cold shoulder because of other reasons unrelated to you.
Remember, some women may be on guard because women’s bodies are highly visible. A lot of men do feel entitled to a woman’s time, attention, and body without considering her feelings. Dealing with men like this on a daily basis leads some women to adopt a stony faced, disinterested persona to avoid being targeted for street harassment.
Say, for example, that a woman who regularly uses public transportation keeps getting lewd or unwelcome comments from strangers about her appearance, her clothing, what have you. To avoid dealing with this every day, she starts wearing headphones and reading on the train.
You happen to meet her at this point, but when you try to strike up a conversation, she shuts you down immediately and acts distant.
It’s easy to think that you’re the one she’s reacting to, but it’s more likely that she thought her headphones would let her ride the train in peace. She might not be thinking you yourself are a terrible person or a potential rapist — you just happen to be in a space that she does not feel safe in.
So even when you don’t act entitled to a woman’s body, don’t take every cold shoulder personally. Whether you’re one of them or not, there are a lot of creeps in this world that she’s trying to protect herself from.
And could you blame her? If a woman says “I don’t want to give you my number,” and a guy badgers her into giving it to him, what’s to stop him from calling when she says “I don’t want you to call me anymore”? What’s to stop him from coming to her place when she says, “I don’t want to see you anymore”? If the first, small boundary is ignored, how will he handle the bigger ones?
So please, if you see a boundary in the flirting stage, respect it. It shows you’re not the kind of guy that thinks a woman owes him something just because he noticed her.
And if you see one of your friends disrespecting someone’s boundaries in an attempt to flirt, have a talk with them or show them this article.
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Jarune Uwujaren is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. A Nigerian-American recent graduate who’s stumbling towards a career in writing, Jarune can currently be found drifting around the DC metro area with a phone or a laptop nearby. When not writing for fun or profit, Jarune enjoys food, fresh air, good books, drawing, poetry, and sci-fi.
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About the author
Jarune Uwujaren is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. A Nigerian-American recent graduate who’s stumbling towards a career in writing, Jarune can currently be found drifting around the DC metro area with a phone or a laptop nearby. When not writing for fun or profit, Jarune enjoys food, fresh air, good books, drawing, poetry, and sci-fi.
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This article originally appeared on Everyday Feminism.
Photo: Flickr/Sean and Lauren
Thanks for the sound advice. Herewith some statistics for your follow-up article, just to show how well your research and advice has worked: In 2016 alone, Pornhub got 23 BILLION visits. That’s 729 people a second, or 64 million a day—the amount of people that live in the entire United Kingdom. -Enough porn was watched in 2016 on this one website that all the data would fill 194,000,000 USB sticks. If you put the USB sticks end to end, they’d go all the way around the moon. -Last year alone, 91,980,225,000 videos were watched on Pornhub. That’s 12.5 videos for… Read more »
All my lady friends are complaining that they are chronically single. All my male friends are complaining they can’t get girl friends. This article kind of sums up why. I am delightfully single post-divorce and I simply do not DREAM of showing interest in a woman in public, at work, at the gym, at the video store. Nowhere. I once made a joke with a girl parking her car next to me, who was not only putting on a jersey from the boot at the same time as me, but it was the identical jersey. I laughed and said, “Nice… Read more »
Seems I was not the only one to see the obvious and logical conclusion to be drawn here: Pretty Girl in Coffee shop? Ignore her. She’s not interested. UNTIL of course no one bothers to flirt with her. AND even then…IGNORE HER.
As as has been said: Problem Solved.
OMG, where have all the ‘Good Men’ gone?
Soimple solution. We guys will simply stop approaching you ladies. Don’t want to be invading your safe spaces. Problem solved, at least until my solution is taken to its reductio ad absurdum and the human species goes extinct
#7 Just don’t bother flirting.
If you can’t be direct and honest and respectful. Then there’s no point in going forward. All else is a waste of time and effort.
YES.
Don’t flirt at all. Problem solved. It is a game where the odds are not rigged in your favor. The only way to win is not to play at all. Also saves you from having to do all the work.
If you’re trying to win, it means you’re still participating.
I call BS on number 4. Respect is not a ” right”. Respect is earned.
Respect is a right of everyone. If you can’t respect your fellow human being, the fault lies with you.
Wow. Respect is not a right. It’s a common courtesy if anyone even gives it. It’s not a guarantee. It isn’t whether or not someone is willing to give respect, it’s whether that person truly has earned it. Maybe you’re confusing everyday courtesies for respect, but even then those aren’t a right. More specifically, not giving you those courtesies aren’t against any right under law.
This article gives absolutely zero information on how to’flirt’. There is nothing in here about flirting or making playful conversation.
It said everything it needed to say. That you believe there is some kind of secret that will suddenly make an uninterested woman interested in you does not make it so. This is just keeping you from losing any chances you may have that a woman will ever show you interest.
Its indirect conclusion – cuz its advice from a girl – is to NOT BOTHER flirting at all and leave her alone.
Thou shalt not flirt – the most important commandment.
Stumbling towards a career in writing…. yes, I think I can see why.
The irony, of course, is that the men with whom you probably experience “creepy” interactions don’t read [articles like this], and this just serves to push away more of the guys you actually want. Women should focus more on providing clear signals (or wait for it… making the first move for once) instead of acting out this incessant urge to police men’s behavior.
Women shouldn’t have to do a damn thing and the word No is a very clear signal. Men are responsible for their actions and interactions with Everyone. I believe you need to read this article 25 more times.
Are you trying to alert the world that you are a creep? Geez
The irony is that probably she doesn’t feel attracted to ‘nice guys’ than obey her rules.
Make the first move!? HAHA! Nice one!
It’s good to see advice on how single people can approach someone (it’s hard for straight men for the reasons outlined above, but it’s not easy for anybody). On one hand there’s “don’t act like a creep,” but on the other hand almost no one in our society talks to strangers. Lot’s of people (including most of the nice guys that single straight women would actually like to meet) are so worried about being rejected, coming off as a creep or even just invading someone’s personal space (we’re very sensitive about our personal space) that there’s a chilling effect that… Read more »
This is unfortunately just another example of feminine hetero normative privilege – yes that’s right I said privilege, it’s not just a term reserved for our men. In the form of a fair-weather pop feminist article purporting to be ‘advice’ to our men that is oh so desperately needed. In fact, the term ‘creepy” is one almost exclusively reserved for our men, with the majority of creep title recipients being hetero normative or cis-gendered. Outliers do exist but it is essentially the feminine genders weapon of word to counter the term “crazy” so often used by masculine genders against our… Read more »
“This is comparable to the 1950’s women’s school text books teaching our women how to be a good housewife.”
Yes, it’s true. This article is very sexist and biased.
Good Men Project routinely presents articles like these without any justification.
Who did the writing and what is their authority? What studies have they done?
Why is the material – essentially one persons opinion – usually presented as an absolute truth?
I think that GMP finds that these headlines serve as good clickbait so they can sell advertisements.
You don’t even have to approach anyone to be labelled creepy. I get labelled creepy even standing beside a woman in line or if i happen to break the unwritten rule about using a piece of gym equipment next to a woman.(actually got suspended from my gym because doing that was considered harassment – despite the fact I never said a word to her, barely looked at her, and there were no other pieces of equipment available.) So one day I decided to try a social experiment and wrote the word ‘creepy’ in black ink across my forehead for a… Read more »
This is a load of bullcrap and extremely feminist. Firstly, as when you write something like this, the least you can do is acknowledge the position society throughout evolution has placed men in, as long as courstship and mating is concerned. Why is it always the guy’s job to approach? What percentage of women do you think actively approach a guy they might be interested in? Also, what is so threatening and dangerous about a stranger approaching you with an interest – even if it might eventually be motivated by gratification? I don’t see a problem as long as a… Read more »
well said your comments need acknowledgement.
#1 explains why no one ever comes up to talk to me. I read books and listen to headphones. I do that to keep from getting bored not to keep people away.
It’s a shame that women don’t approach men in reality. I really hate having to be a creep just to share few words to someone. I’ve been rejected, ridiculed, laughed at, and otherwise made to feel like garbage just for trying to make connection all my life. It really sucks. I’m 45. How many woman have said a word to me that wasn’t initiated or required in the past 25 years? About none. It’s really lame. I definitely feel undesirable in about every way I can but I didn’t start out that way. It took years of emotional beatings to… Read more »
Here, here. I’ve been through the exact same.
Men: This is so very simple: When you see that woman. Yes, that woman. Look away. Yes. She has been already pursed by every male predator…. Be a gentleman… give her space and time. I f she wants to be with you she will. Truth.
In summary; go home and watch porn because that’s as close as you will ever get. Or shoot your balls off with a shotgun. Have a nice day.
Funny. Yes that actually is the gist of the article. Never approach any woman unless you are George Clooney or Derek Jeter.
Yep!
predators? lol..for gods sake how many who approach woman are predators…this is actually a phenomemon that holds trueostly in america..i have also lived abroad in many countries and can say that women abroad arent threatened or scared by male advances…even if the man is confident and boisterous..to an american woman this would come off as” predatory,animalistic,dangerous”..to other women in the world it comes off exactly as it is… a playful..confident sexual or romantic advance..and they are flattered and grateful..and if they arent interested say no without being hurtful or mean…its just in some places that men are seen as monsters..
If I’m a predator, do I get to wear the cool helmet, shoulder cannon and use the cloaking device?
Nope. When you see that woman, suppress all instinct to make contact with her. Go home. Never think about her again. She will choose who she wants. You have no right to express any interest. Be a gentleman? HAHA! You mean I must toll over and play dead. Life is so much simpler since I gave up women.
Ahahaha the girl in the main photo—that’s my girlfriend!
More power to your sociology and anthropology texts, but there are many millions of us alive today who dress either without men in mind at all, or dress to *avoid* their attention. No, insisting otherwise is not proven science. “Women dress revealingly to attract the attention of the opposite sex” is a sweeping, universal statement, and it isn’t accurate because it is so sweeping. You speak for yourself and *some* other women. There are many women you don’t speak for, however. “Be straight” about your own intentions, but do not attribute your intentions universally to other women and then declare… Read more »
RE: “It’s a common misconception that women are constantly dressing up for the sole purpose of getting men to talk to them. The truth is, you’re never going to know why someone chose to wear they outfit they’re wearing.” Actually, yes, that is precisely why women dress revealingly — to attract the attention of the opposite sex. This isn’t subjective opinion, this is science, knowledge available of anyone who has picked up a sociology or anthropology text. The problem lies in that women dress provocatively to attract only certain males and not all, more specifically, the men they are attracted… Read more »
Recently, I have worn a lot of short dresses because I just had knee surgery and could not fit one of my legs into pants, and did not want fabric brushing against my incision.
Yeah, but Lisa, you probably have a specific type of person of the opposite sex in mind to respond to your appearance. This, I think, is what many men don’t get: women cast their nets narrowly. Probably 90 percent of us are not what they’re looking for. I think this article could have been more succinct: never ever talk to a woman you don’t know. Public encounters in modern life are too unrestricted to be anything but awkward/unnverving/creepy. Find someplace where there are tacit rules for talking to someone of the opposite sex (one thing churches were historically good for)… Read more »
Gasser, you’ve just echoed the point I’ve been making on dozens of comment threads for ages now! And every time I do so, I receive hassle for it. So many men think they ENTITLED to romantic connection, love, sex, or any other type of intimacy with a woman…generally speaking! I point out that men are NOT entitled to this! Many men are bound, destined, and required to live out their lives alone and not dating at all. And that’s perfectly OK. If a single man finds he’s getting rejected continuously and repeatedly from the types of women he likes, it’s… Read more »
“Actually, yes, that is precisely why women dress revealingly — to attract the attention of the opposite sex.”
Then how do you explain the lesbians I know who dress revealingly? Are they also trying to “attract the attention of the opposite sex”?
But even if your thesis is true, the fact that a woman is dressing attractively for someone else–her boyfriend, say–doesn’t necessarily mean she’s at all dressing to attract attention from me. And it would be foolish of me to assume she was receptive to me because of what she’s wearing.
“Then how do you explain the lesbians I know who dress revealingly?”
That’s bs, everyone knows we’re all a bunch of butches. /s
What you said actually reminds me of a woman that was in one of my college Chemistry classes that just sat across from me. She would constantly wear tight skimpy clothing to class, braless, even in the dead of winter! She definitely seemed to enjoy the attention she got. One day, in the middle of winter, another classmate asked her why she wears such skimpy outfits? She answered saying that’s what she feels comfortable wearing. As she said that, I couldn’t help but notice all the goose bumps she had all over. lol. Yea right, she’s feels comfortable.
Yeah, I don’t think so. I’ve generally stopped wearing makeup and even remotely revealing clothing anywhere but onstage (I act and dance) because I’m so sick of guys I want nothing to do with pestering me when I do. And it sucks. I love my red lipstick and high heels because I like how they look. I love looking in the mirror and feeling like Bette Davis, or even Marilyn herself! It’s fun. But I’d rather go out barefaced and wearing my Doc Martens’ than deal with yet another clueless/entitled dude’s bullshit. Also, if I need to run or defend… Read more »
Natural look is way more attractive to a lot of great guys than lipstick and heels. Your lipstick and heels just attract the wrong guys. Try abandoning them entirely for a while. (Honestly, dark lipstick just looks weird and high heels look painful!)
“Natural look is way more attractive to a lot of great guys than lipstick and heels”
Thank you for this sound (not) piece of advice! Now because of this I’ll wear red/dark lipstick (which actually looks really cool on me) and heels more often. Thank you again.
Why should men do all the work? Let her approach you. No matter what you say, to her you are just another guy with a pick-up line.
In my opinion, all that’s outlined above is just basic human decency, courtesy, respect, call it what you want.
I see 2 fundamental problems here, #1 is that it’s presented like rocket science when it’s really what anyone (boys AND girls) should have learned by the age of 4, do not bother anyone who wants to be left alone, which gives the whole article a condescending tone.
And #2, saying “If she doesn’t want to talk to you, leave her alone!” is still not a guide to flirting…
Don’t make the first move, wait for her to talk to you.