In India, there is a saying — when you have even two vessels, they are bound to make some noise.
No two individuals can have the exact same ideologies. So, an argument between a couple is inevitable. Having said that, the issue is not having an argument. The more important matter at hand is how to have that argument.
It is impossible to be in your best version all the time. It is natural to be stressed and stress causes a lot of things, a disagreement being one of them. And the present times give us abundant reasons to be stressed.
So, how, as parents, do we deal with this, without affecting our children?
How do arguments affect children?
No, having an argument is not going to shatter your child’s future. Let that be clear.
But constant arguments, heated exchange of words, lengthy indifference towards each other, and even the sullen and thick ‘silence’ between partners take their toll on the child’s psyche.
Parents often feel that only verbal arguments are what cause the damage, but sadly, our children are way smarter than we give them credit for. They can sense things, in fact, better than we do.
If there is someone who is constantly evaluating the emotions in the house — it’s your child.
Child psychologists have concluded that a child’s nervous system starts developing even before its birth and that it is impacted by stress. Children are more drawn toward emotions than words.
So, what happens when a child is exposed to persistent arguments?
Increased stress level
Humans, and also animals, are naturally designed to seek shelter — a secured and safe surrounding. That was what our cavemen forefathers have passed on to us.
With time, while physical security is no more a challenge, we are still vulnerable to emotional ones. The mind is relaxed and content in a loving and happy environment, things become stressful when exposed to negative emotions, such as anger, resentment, etc.
A heated argument between parents is a proclamation that something is not right. And with rarely a way to make it right, the child feels insecure and stressed.
Associated disorders
Increased stress opens the door to several other abnormalities in children. It can be sleep disorders, anxiety, frequent tantrums, and other such behavioral issues.
When children witness a fight they soak in the emotions. The problem arises when it is not emotionally capable to process that. That is when they diffuse that energy in various ways, they perceive okay.
Some children act erratic or throw tantrums to draw attention, to avoid unpleasant arguments between their parents. While some shut themselves down. While some might encounter bed-wetting incidents, some find having trouble at school.
Many times parents are at a loss regarding a child’s unusual behavior, unaware of the fact that it might be rooted in something of their doing.
Apply a generic rule/mimicking
Mommys and daddys fight. Adults fight. Fights are normal. Period.
Imagine a child growing up with this notion. When arguments become so common in the house, children tend to take it as ‘normal’. They even start mimicking their parents.
With a friend, with other people. Because that is what they have seen, right?
Sadly, children are not handed any reference material when they are born. Things to do. Things not to do. Parents are the role models to children. Hence, the onus to impart the right knowledge falls on us parents. How we act is perceived as ‘normal’ by them.
A child, who sees frequent arguments between parents, will carry this normalcy into adulthood.
That is when they have troubled relationships themselves. They fail to develop meaningful and long-term relationships. The ‘normalcy’ fails them.
How to handle a fight/argument?
Keep a check on the tone/volume
Very often you come across videos of babies who start crying when they listen to a nursery rhyme sung in a hoarse tone. Remember? Though funny, our heart goes out to them. Aww.
Now, that’s because children read the tone of the conversation more than the words. Even at a higher age group, an argument disturbs children only when there are raised voices. Otherwise, an argument is just a discussion amongst people with different views.
And that’s exactly what it is.
Hence, choosing a tone that does not emanate extreme emotions is a great way to resolve any clash of opinions.
Set right examples and teach the child
Most of the time we as parents begin the argument and then stop abruptly/ take it to a more private place because we realize children’s presence.
The thing to understand is to let the child understand that not agreeing with someone is normal and so is an argument. When we avoid things like this, the child reads that there is something bad in this. Something that should not be disclosed.
Be an example. Resolve the argument. That is an essential lesson for the child — that an argument can be resolved.
Finish the dispute. Let the child see you get back to normalcy. Because that is what they will carry on to their adulthood. They learn that an argument does not weaken or sour a relationship.
Discuss with the child about their feelings
Okay, so you had a skirmish or a fight; it scaled up and then ended. So, what next? You get back to your usual business.
NO.
You talk to your child. Talk to them about their feelings.
I would pause and emphasize something here. The common notion of ‘talking’ to children is imparting some insight/advice/suggestion- the list goes on. Do you know what is the most important element of talking to a child?
Listening.
If you can only listen to what your child says, it solves the major chunk of the issue. They want to be heard. Give them that and see your bonding with them go to another level.
So, after the ‘show’ is over, make it a point to go to your child and have effective communication with her.
Apologize if the argument went bad
To err is human, and parents are humans. We can go wrong sometimes. And children do see through those faults.
One option can be to ignore the fact that we have wronged. Another would be to own it up and accept the fault. Saying sorry for something sets an excellent example for the children.
Having a conversation with the child and saying sorry can salvage the damage of an ugly argument.
Takeaway
The role of a parent is not to protect the child from everything bad, it is to equip the child to become a capable adult. A child needs to be exposed to things and should be able to process the same & handle them appropriately.
Again, having an argument is not wrong. Not having a healthy one, is where things go wrong.
- Low decibel fights are harmless. Keep the volume low.
- Always remember to finish the argument. Let the child see a logical end to it and learn from the example.
- Always talk to your child — talking also includes listening to what they have to say.
- Say sorry when you have wronged. No parental ego, please.
Might be tough at times, no doubt. But then, who said parenting was a piece of cake? Right? So, get on with it.
Happy parenting!
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Previously Published on medium
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