Do you miss the way that they looked at you? The way that they smelled? The way their hand felt in yours?
Do you think you see them walking down the street when really it’s a stranger? Do you still hear certain music that reminds you of them?
When someone takes up so much of your life, it’s impossible to get over them in a day or two.
And while doing things like reading, walking, working out, journaling, and hanging out with friends can certainly be positive distractions, if you really want to deal with the root cause of the emotional pain you still feel you’ll have to do things a little bit differently.
A Personal Story
I have a secret to confess…
I went through a break up that took me several years to get over.
She was intelligent, challenging, loving, kind, and ridiculously beautiful. We dated for just over a year and the mark she left on my heart was undeniable.
I had imagined our futures together. Repeatedly. I pictured her smiling face looking up at me at our wedding. We had discussed what we would name our children.
I fell in love with her, hard. And one day it was all over.
It took several painful years to get over her. Years of hiding myself emotionally and engaging in surface level relationships.
I could have done it a lot sooner if I knew how to properly address what was really going on in my unconscious mind… and I want to help you get through things much faster, by laying out that process in this article.
The Chemical Process You Experience During A Break Up
Emotions are one of the most addictive things available to you.
When you are in love with someone, your brain is hit with massive surges of dopamine (brain scans have shown that our minds follow very similar patterns when influenced by cocaine or nicotine).
When you no longer have access to your intimate partner (post-breakup), your brain doesn’t fall out of love with them… it simply continues to be in love with them, but you no longer have access to them. And, like a crying baby who doesn’t have access to his mother that it so yearns for, our minds “rejector stimulus” is on overdrive. We simultaneously feel the pain of abandonment, the deep craving for a “fix” of our drug (aka partner) of choice and our once-regular hits of dopamine and oxytocin are nowhere to be found.
In fact, immediately after a break up, your happy chemicals are replaced with a flood of cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline. It’s almost as if your body is saying “Here’s a rush of energy… time to get up! Either work your ass off to get that one back, or go make yourself a more valuable partner and find someone else!”
(Side note: If I had $100 for every time one of my clients asked me if they should process their fresh break up by going out on a tear and hooking up with a dozen women, I could retire)
Long story short, if you were hooked up to a brain scanner, your brain after a painful break up is highly similar to the brain of a drug addict in rehab.
Getting Over A Break Up — Do These Things First:
1. Remind Yourself Of The Good, The Bad, And The Awfu
Part of the reason we get stuck in processing our break up is that we idealize the relationship as a big collection of amazing, emotionally fulfilling times with very little downside. In reality, you fought frequently and there were core incompatibilities that drove you apart.
To get a more accurate view of your past relationship, journal about the things that you loved about the relationship, the things that bothered you about your ex, and your part in the down fall of the relationship.
2. Allow Yourself Space To Grieve By Yourself
Take a few days (at least) to sit with your emotions and let them move through you.
Every time you resist feeling an emotion it goes down to the basement to lift weights. So if you ignore the frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, or pain that is present in your body, it will only get stronger and come back louder than before until you listen to the signals.
3. Embody The ‘You’ That Felt The Most Stifled
In any failed relationship there is bound to be a part of you that felt like it was discouraged by your ex.
Maybe she didn’t like your playful side, or how much time you wanted to spend with your friends, or how much time you spent working on your business.
Whatever it was that felt dormant, go and inhabit that side of yourself to the fullest degree.
You only suffer in a breakup to the extent that you lost yourself during the relationship… so there might be some leftover negative emotional residue if you felt like you weren’t fully allowed to be yourself around your partner. So go be you… all of you!
4. Use Your New Found Energy For Positive Growth
With the surge of adrenaline and cortisol that you get after a break up telling you to get up and get out (aka numb yourself to the pain by partying and hooking up with others) you have a huge opportunity.
Get your exercise routine dialled, learn a new skill, or build a new business.
I have had clients who built successful seven figure businesses from the surge of adrenaline that they got from an especially painful breakup.
Some of the best art in the world was made by people who had lost love. Utilize this current of emotional energy for your personal gain.
5. See Your Emotional Process As A Trend, Not A Linear Path Away From Suffering< If you expect your emotional suffering to decrease in a linear A to B straight line, you’re in for a rude awakening.
Re-frame your processing of the breakup as something that generally trends upwards and you won’t be as taken aback by the down days (when you see something that reminds you of your ex, smell their perfume on someone, etc.).
How To Destroy The Root Cause Of Your Emotional Suffering
So you’ve done everything listed above and it only feels like it’s affecting you on the logical level, and not on the deeper emotional level?
Then I have one exercise left for you. And it’s one that gets right to the heart of the suffering.
Think back to your relationship with your partner, remember all of the good times and ask yourself one question…
What is the overarching emotional benefit that you got from being with them specifically?
It could be something along the lines of “She made me feel appreciated/proud/good about myself.”
Whatever that thing is, one of the reasons that you’re suffering this long after your break up is because whatever she did for you is still a large void in your life.
You may be emotionally and psychologically addicted to your ex because they were your only source of a certain emotion, thought, or feeling that you only got from them.
Some examples of this would be…
– You have low self-esteem and she made you see yourself through her much more positive perspective< – You are reluctant to give yourself any praise for a job well done and she would lavish you with praise and congratulations
– You feel directionless in life and your relationship with her gave you a project to work on
– You aren’t good at keeping yourself accountable or on track with your goals and she helped you tremendously in this area of your life
Whatever your ex gave you, you are likely still suffering because you barely give yourself any of the emotional benefit that she gave you tons of.
So the action step part of this section is to start giving yourself the thing that she used to give you.
Like a bird who lands on a tree branch only to have it break out from underneath it’s feet, you still have wings. You can make yourself soar without her.
Is Getting Over Your Ex Truly Possible?
Do I still do mental gymnastics sometimes and begin convincing myself that I’m still not over her? Yes, I do. As do a handful of my clients that are engaged to other women. But our brains are experts at convincing ourselves (logically) that we want things that aren’t good for us (because we want them emotionally).
When I slow down for longer than a minute and think about why we broke up (several times) it was because we weren’t right for each other. She is my ex for a reason… just like yours is your ex for a reason. If it was meant to be then it would have been easier and you both would have fought to keep it going. But now it’s in the past and all that’s left to do is to let go of it.
They came into your life to teach you a lesson about yourself, and now it’s time to gracefully let go of that person. You are better off for having known them, and you both bumped into each other on your life’s journey so that you can better prepare each other for your next respective relationships.
You Might Also Like These Posts From The Good Men Project
..3 Things to Remember When Falling In Love | Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | ..7 Things Men Want In a Relationship | Why You Need to Date Someone Who Scares You |
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You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
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If you need help getting through the emotional turmoil of a recent (or not so recent) break up, please feel free to reach out to me by clicking here.
This article originally appeared on Jordan Gray Consulting.
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Photo: iStock
good luck to anyone who is reading this comment! I hope you guys can break through your hard times and finally find the happiness you’re looking for.
My wife is leaving me and I’m stuck living with her for over a month until she leaves she has become cold and nasty and doesn’t care how I feel she comes home like 3 in the morning it’s torture and I love her just really sucks
Thanks for this post, I found it helpful.. The root cause of the suffering points I think shed’s the most light…
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Thank you so much for this article Jordan. It really helps. As a man, I look for practical advice, exactly what this was.
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Great post! Very thorough and thought out. I wish I had this when I went through my rough breakup years ago. One tip a friend of mine gave me was to do something nice for yourself every day. Simple but it helps.
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i want to say very big thank you to the great prophet prince for helping me get my ex fiance back 2yrs of break up due to pressure from his family and business associate saying that i am not the same country and different believe.within 48hrs after meeting with this great man he helped me get my fiance back and i am now finally a complete woman with my man back by my side.to also get your help from this great man,email at [email protected] or call +2348182260982
I’ve had one woman for 23 years, two kids, I cannot introduce another woman to complicated things for the new woman, for my ex wife, for my children who cannot conceive of me moving on. Financially I gave away a substantial amount to my ex because I felt she needed support as a woman, I still do give to her charitably even though she wanted out of the relationship. I don’t have room for another person. I still love my ex even though she treats me like shit and her ex boss has just left his wife within two months… Read more »
It’s been tough. I’m the Dave a few posts down. Well I’ve moved in with family a few hours away from her. A few days after my last post I asked if there was any chance at reconciliation and she said no so I left the area. I still think about her a lot. I’m job hunting the last 3 weeks so that’s been overwhelming. We talked when I drove to where I am and she still loves and cares for me. I still feel like she’ll want me back but she’s not the reaching out type. I have finally… Read more »
Just wanted to say, thanks so much.I couldn’t figure out why I was still hung up on it over four years later. But clearly I was missing whatever it was that was the “overarching emotional benefit that you got from being with them specifically.”
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Didn’t find this helpful at all. Basic straight forward repetitive advise. Thinking of the good times with her only makes me long for her all the more.
I know what you mean I feel the same way.
basically almost every breakup advice are all the same. and it is clearly not easy for someone to just do the device. In my opinion you should talk to the expert. at least you can talk about your problem and make you feel lighter. Im having a hard time forgetting about my ex and clearly not easy at all. I wish for the best to happen for you.
I was a ding dong one night. I had taken my sleeping pills and gone to bed. These are doctor prescribed and I typically would go to bed maybe hit the phone for a text to whoever but I wasn’t driving anywhere. A couple times I would drift into a dream while actively talking to somebody so they would say. I don’t remember though. One night in particular we had a disagreement about something and I went to bed. I got woken up but not fully. During this I messaged mean stuff about my now ex to her kids father.… Read more »
Doesn’t work at all
Sadly my 7year relationship ended almost a year ago now nd I still miss him daily. I’ve tried moving on with someone else and can’t even bring myself to say I love you in return. I still wish we could reconcile but it seems like he’s completely replaced me. I don’t know what to do …
I know the exact same feeling. I was in a 7 year relationship that ended roughly a year and half ago. I am dating someone new and have relocated to a different state, but no matter how hard I try I cannot get her out of my head. It appears she has moved on too but my pride won’t allow me to reach out to her to find out. I am a really mentally strong person and this is the only thing that I have not been able to get over quickly. If she does miss me or care for… Read more »
I have not spent as long with one person, mine was only 3 years, but I have spent nearly 11 years in a depressive state because I have tried and failed to get over my first love, she impacted on my heart like a bomb, she cheated on me and is now married to the man she cheated on me with, I cut her out of my life entirely, but I could not remove her from my mind, I have had other relationships but in the end they fail, and then I’m right back at where I begun, pining for… Read more »
All I can say is, I am simply moving on with my daily responsibilities and new interests and hobbies (previously discouraged by my ex wife). I still love her dearly after she declared she no longer loved me 18 months ago :-(. The distraction of hobbies and interests is like a Panadol but new skill acquisition requires daily practise so they are a regular distraction. I signed up for an online course, regular homework and further distraction. These things are enjoyable even though I am using them as a distraction. I was told I couldn’t dance if my life depended… Read more »
that’s beautiful mark . being alone in your own pain squares the hopelessness, YOU are not alone I AM NOT ALONE , WE ARE NOT ALONE,,,,,,we share this pain together , as one ,,, and like a butterfly flitting its way upward from the depth and darkness of a hell we cant even see eachother in , one by one will slowly lift ourselves back to the light of the living ,,,,,,,,,,, and feel alive once again ,,,,,,,,,,,I believe this to be true
What do you do when you find the love of your life and she says the same thing and its as perfect as perfect can be? What do you do when that perfect woman is broken and a part of her wont accept your love and simply says goodbye? What do you do when there are no fights just love and joy and months of bliss and amazing love making but her 20 year marriage ruins her ability to have it? What do you do when you change your life to be with this amazing woman because its the promise… Read more »
I could not help replying to your comment. Your words struck a cord with me. I was left by the person who was my dream to have beside me. She left with the words ”I don’t want anyone but you” ”I don’t know how I could find someone to replace you”. So I will say this to you. Remember her even if it hurts. Smile when you do when you are reminded of the little things that made her unique. Don’t let her walk out of your life for good! Keep that connection with her but let her reconcile her… Read more »
Oh wow, I feel the exact same way. You wrote it really eloquently. I turned 30 this year and met this amazing women and fell in love for the first time. She had to focus on her PHD studies and ran away since she would have no time and would only hurt both of us. I feel like this hurt me way more than if I would only have intermittent contact with her. This situation, to find someone that you could create a life together, only to have it flush your love down the drain because of her circumstances and… Read more »
My Boyfriend broke up me 6 months ago and left me heartbroken, this made me sick and my problem became very very difficult and it made me almost gave up but after the love spell from Robinson Buckler, my relationship was restored instantly, I was happy that the outcome was fantastic, only 3 days after robinson.buckler@yahoo .com started it all. Never in my life have I thought this would work so fast. My man reconcile with me and he started acting completely different, we make love everyday (last weekend, we did it 8 times in total!). Now I can say… Read more »
Please help me I am in a similar relationship & I feel like dying .
Stay humble and time will get you through it
Another ‘love potion, spell’
You Uy’s are all over the internet. Who believes in that stuff, really.
????
I’m a woman and this article helped validate everything. I’m on the right course. Thank you.
Lots of excellent points on there. Thank you – I shall share it on my Facebook page the Single Soul. xx