While it may seem like an odd concept that you can find happiness with someone who is emotionally unavailable, it’s entirely possible if you have realistic expectations. By the way, it’s not the same as settling for less than you deserve.
Truth be told, all couples need autonomy and closeness and many couples struggle with the pursuer-distancer dance—feeling chronically dissatisfied with the degree of intimacy in their relationship. By far, the most common relationship theme that bloggers contact me about is trying to encourage an emotionally unavailable partner be more fully present.
Why is this relationship dynamic so common? A problem exists when the pattern of pursuing and distancing becomes ingrained because the behavior of one partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other, according to marriage expert, Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. She writes, “It’s important to strike a balance between separateness and togetherness that works for both your partner and yourself.”
While pursuing and distancing are common ways that couples relate to one another when they are under stress, these patterns can become dysfunctional. If they go unnoticed and persist for a long time, they can even lead to the downfall of a relationship or marriage.
Usually, one partner becomes increasingly unhappy with his or her partner—feeling that their needs for intimacy aren’t being satisfied.
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Usually, one partner becomes increasingly unhappy with his or her partner—feeling that their needs for intimacy aren’t being satisfied. Although they may have made ongoing efforts to get their partner to open up, they’re left feeling their attempts to bring him/her closer have failed.
What does the distancer do? They may retreat under stress and this might only intensify their partner’s need for closeness – thus their desire to pursue. The problem is that if this pattern becomes deeply entrenched, neither person is getting their needs met.
Sometimes a distancer realizes too late that his or her partner is so distressed that he/she is making plans to flee and is beyond repairing the damage.
According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, the tendency of men to withdraw and women to pursue is wired into our physiology and reflects a basic gender difference. In his classic “Love Lab” observations he’s noted that this pattern is extremely common and is a major contributor to marital breakdown. Gottman cautions us that if it’s not examined, the pursuer-distancer pattern will persist into a second marriage or subsequent intimate relationships.
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So let’s see how it usually works in a typical scenario. A partner’s approaching behavior is seen as a way to motivate his/her partner to open up. But in this case, the ways that Karen and Ian respond to each other backfire—going from bad to worse.
“Why aren’t we close anymore,” Karen complains as her boyfriend Ian watches the news. “How can we get closer if we never spend time together?”
“I’m not sure we have a problem,” Ian says. “You just have unrealistic expectations.”
Karen feels increasingly frustrated with Ian and contemplates leaving. Meanwhile, Ian resorts to stonewalling her attempts to communicate by becoming more passive. As Karen continues to express more disappointment in Ian, he withdraws further.
If this pattern isn’t reversed, it’s easy to see how they can both begin to feel criticized and contempt for each other—two of the major warning signs that their marriage is doomed to fail, according to Dr. Gottman.
Repair work begins with expressing your intent in a positive way and taking responsibility for your part in it. Both people need to make a commitment to work on improving their relationship.
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Many couples become deadlocked into the pursuer-distancer pattern and end up in a stalemate or with partners feeling bitter and disillusioned about their relationship. Repair work begins with expressing your intent in a positive way and taking responsibility for your part in it. Both people need to make a commitment to work on improving their relationship.
Ways to communicate with your partner to support him/her and grow together:
- “I feel left out when you don’t talk to me about what’s going on in your head, and I’d like to know what you’re thinking.”
- “I feel hurt when you read the paper when we’re eating dinner, because I’d like to learn more about your day.”
- “I feel unimportant to you when you don’t include me in plans with your friends. I’d like to be kept posted, even if you prefer to see them on your own.”
Rather than expressing criticism or contempt, this type of dialogue will hopefully foster positive communication since the intent is to get information rather than to criticize or nag. In fact, many of the women I’ve counseled who are pursuers don’t feel good about nagging their partner to open up and they want more supportive ways to improve communication.
According to experts, people tend to gravitate toward relationships that resemble their parents’ relationship, or the way one or both of their parents treated them.
Why is this so? There are several reasons including an unconscious comfort in familiarity, a need to make old wrongs right, and low-self-esteem. For instance, you may select someone who is emotionally detached, maybe because your father was that way and that is what you know. Or, you might have a repetition compulsion—and unconscious tendency to want to fix the past, to recreate it, to make it better.
Self-esteem issues can stem from growing up with parents who suffered from depression, or were alcoholics, workaholics, divorced, or who were unavailable or preoccupied, and thus unable to meet your needs as a child looking for love and attention.
Likewise, it’s not uncommon for people with boundary issues to be attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable. If that’s the case, discussing ways to set boundaries in your relationships will prevent you from engaging in a toxic, self-defeating pattern of relating and giving up your personal power.
Ways to find happiness with an emotionally unavailable partner:
- Stop arguing. Rather than blaming, accept that it takes two to tango and own your part in the dynamic.
- Accept that the pattern exists and find some positives in living with a partner who has a different style of relating. For instance, they might draw you out of your shell or cause you to be more reflective.
- Work on changing your reactions to your partner. For example, if you are a pursuer, take up walking fast to release stress or hobby such as scrapbooking to occupy your time.
- Write in a journal or dialogue with a close friend or trusted therapist—it can be extremely helpful.
- If your partner seems overwhelmed, give them space but not in anger or blame. Disengage as a way to restore your composure not to punish your partner.
- Attempt to take a break for at least 20 minutes. For instance, listening to music or reading a magazine is a great distraction because you can flip through pages rather mindlessly.
- Resume a conversation with your partner when you feel refreshed and able to talk calmly and rationally.
Let’s end on the wise words of psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., “It’s always easier to point the finger at our partner than to acknowledge our part in the problem. In order to truly connect with a distant or distancing partner, we need to identify the problem and take steps to change it.”
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Hi Terry, thanks for the post. You note that both partners have to work at it but you only give suggestions for the pursuer. Sadly I find this to be pretty common in articles about emotionally unavailable people.
that’s because men are usually the ones who are emotionally unavailable…and this is written by a man. I am not blaming men; many of them where taught to hide or not admit to feelings as they were a weakness….so because of that, our feelings as woman are also seen as a weakness. I am in the same kind of relationship. I want to affirm your worth just the way God made you. There is nothing wrong with having emotions. We live in a Society that is still male oriented so we are not going to find the support we need… Read more »
Well, after 37 years of marriage to an emotionally distant man, what I can tell you is that all the talk and counselling in the world won’t matter BECAUSE THEY DO NOT CARE. He is baffled at your feelings and considers you too sensitive. My husband never talked to his mom on mother’s day. Would stand me up on anniversary dinners I arranged (of course I arranged it), didn’t go to his kids ball games or birthday parties, etc. Nothing personal…why are YOU so upset? Don’t expect him to change. If you are someone who likes to hear they love… Read more »
A great post! This is a tough reality for so many. Thanks for these helpful tips. It’s important to stay self-confident while adapting to these shifts in mind-set. It’s all about watching your expectations and finding positive things to say so that all your comments aren’t thought of as nagging, criticism, etc. That’s a challenging balance but a healthy direction to aspire towards.
Thanks Rosalind! Trying different approaches can help couples restore a healthy balance. Some partners are worth working on a relationship with even if they don’t meet our expectations for emotional engagement.
Well done. Very helpful.
Thanks so much Bob! My tips come from both personal and professional experience and I’m glad you find them helpful.
Regards,
Terry