They should make a movie about how my wife and I met. She had an open room in her apartment and was looking for a roommate. And I needed a place to live. My wife put her room up for rent on Craigslist and I came to see the room — and the rest is history.
Well, it wasn’t quite that easy. We didn’t become roommates right away, but we started dating about 6 months later — and then 4 years later, we tied the knot and became roommates.
When she opened the door for the first time, I was blown away by her natural beauty and good energy. But it was what I learned about her heart and soul over a 4-year period that made me fall in love with her. Falling in love and marrying my wife has shown me the important things to look for in a partner.
Find someone who picks you up on your worst days.
As someone who struggles with depression, this is so important. Life can be so beautiful and amazing. It’s also full of sadness and times of despair. None of us can escape it — it’s part of what makes us human. So it’s important to find someone who can pick you up and help you back to your feet when you’re experiencing the terrible days.
It’s more than just someone who is sympathetic and says kind words. It’s about finding someone who has true empathy and jumps down in the pit with you and says, “I’m here, and we’ll get through this together.” It’s easy to be with someone on their best days — anyone can do that.
People’s true colors come out when things get tough — you want that person who shines brightest when they’re helping you get through the really hard stuff.
Find someone you can be yourself with.
Deep down, we’re all a little crazy and quirky. Much of the time, we walk around with a mask, hiding our true selves to conform to the expectations of society. What will people think if I sing or dance in public? As a man, am I allowed to stop mid-run and smell the flowers? What will people think if I cry?
Find someone who lets you be yourself — crazy quirks and all. Find the person who not only lets you take off the mask you’re wearing, but creates a safe place where you feel good doing so.
Being yourself with your partner is the only way to have a healthy, loving, and flourishing relationship. Otherwise, you’ll always feel you’re holding back. And that’s where resentment builds up.
Find someone who isn’t trying to change you.
“My partner would be perfect if only they…” Those words have been uttered by millions of people. We think the person we’re with would be perfect — if only they changed one, or two, or a few things. But no one will ever be perfect. And we’ll never stop having things we want our partner to change. The beauty comes when you find someone who you’re not trying to change, and someone who isn’t trying to change you.
How do you do that? You find the person who is already what you want — not the person you think they could be down the road.
In the workplace it may be ok to promote based on potential — but don’t do the same for a life partner.
When you are with someone based on their potential, you’re always a few steps ahead of them and are waiting for them to catch up. And they never will. Find the person who’s running at the same speed as you — someone you don’t feel you have to change.
He may stop playing video games at some point — but don’t count on it. He may get his finances in order — but don’t count on it. He may start being more empathetic and talk more respectfully to his mother — but don’t count on it. If you’re looking for someone who gets outside instead of playing video games, has their finances in order, and is kind and empathic and talks respectfully to his mother — then don’t settle until you find that person.
There are a lot of qualities to look for in someone, but it’s really important to find someone who picks you up on your worst days, someone who you can be yourself around, and someone who isn’t trying to change you.
Find the person who already has these qualities — not someone you think will eventually step up and show these things.
Anyone can show up when you’re at your best — wait for the person who shows up when you’re at your worst. Don’t be with someone who you have to tiptoe around and wear a mast. Find someone who let’s your true colors shine. Find someone who loves you for who you are and doesn’t have a list of things they want you to change. You’ll never meet everything on their list.
Find the person who shows these qualities, and your relationship will blossom and flourish.
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Previously published on psiloveyou
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