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Transcript provided by YouTube:
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if you look at the pattern of the people
0:01
that you’ve been with do they conform to
0:04
a certain
0:05
stereotype either aesthetically or in
0:08
terms of their personality traits
0:14
Stephen you found an article on this
0:17
what did it have to say
0:18
well it said that more than half they
0:22
were surveying Brits and they said more
0:23
than half of Brits have a type that they
0:26
prefer to date but a third are in
0:30
long-term relationships with someone who
0:32
doesn’t fit the bill like what does it
0:35
mean to have a type and is it helpful I
0:39
suppose people
0:41
at one stage or another they don’t it’s
0:44
not like they consciously go out looking
0:47
for a certain kind of person necessarily
0:50
it’s more that
0:51
they come to find that there is
0:54
something they find themselves attracted
0:56
to over and over again
0:58
right and that ends up creating a kind
1:01
of mold
1:03
and I I think probably for a lot of
1:05
people
1:06
that mold becomes
1:08
sort of self-fulfilling
1:11
that if you keep dating within that mold
1:14
then you have more and more reference
1:16
points for a certain kind of person you
1:18
have more and more reference points for
1:20
someone who physically looks like that
1:22
or for someone who behaves like that and
1:25
that sort of ends up becoming what you
1:28
know
1:29
no doubt for some people there is this
1:32
sort of early imprint thing there’s some
1:34
early attraction
1:37
uh imprint that then dictates some of
1:41
their early decisions around dating but
1:44
I think that there is there will be some
1:47
extent to which
1:49
we keep replaying that scenario over and
1:53
over again because it starts to just
1:55
become what we know
1:57
and then we think that that’s all we’re
1:59
attracted to because we’re not actually
2:01
really deviating from it which at a
2:04
certain point takes
2:05
actually a little bit of effort to step
2:08
outside what we know and date someone
2:11
different yeah and that’s why I think
2:13
there’s a difference between what people
2:15
are attracted to
2:17
or what’s best for them and what you’re
2:19
used to
2:20
and I think sometimes your type comes
2:22
from what you’re used to and what you’ve
2:25
had and and type can mean looks you’re
2:28
blonde brunette tall short thin large
2:32
whatever
2:34
um but it can just mean it can mean
2:36
certain behaviors or dynamics that
2:39
you’re used to right it can mean
2:41
different things like what your type is
2:43
but I think that people do when they go
2:46
into dating apps people often
2:49
superficially have an idea of I like
2:52
sporty type I like a preppy type of
2:54
person I like I don’t like people who
2:58
went to a posh school and uh you know
3:02
had a silver spoon in their mouths you
3:04
know all their life people will have
3:06
certain ideas that they just they’re
3:09
just all these different mishmash of
3:10
preferences prejudices habits things
3:14
you’re used to
3:15
and I’m convinced that there’s a lot of
3:18
them that are just a distraction because
3:20
they’re not focused on Behavior they’re
3:22
not focused on character they’re not
3:24
character based they’re they’re a
3:26
hodgepodge of ideas you’ve got in your
3:29
head
3:30
but I think you can have a type A
3:32
personality type as well right
3:35
meaning
3:36
um you can be attracted to very
3:37
differently packaged people who have the
3:40
same core yes right they look they look
3:43
very different but they have the same
3:45
kind of confidence or they have the same
3:48
kind of humor what’s interesting is you
3:51
know why we would look to do that and
3:54
could it be that we feel safe in those
3:55
patterns so when we know
3:57
people show us a little bit like the
3:59
better the devil you know if you know
4:01
someone’s shortcomings if you know that
4:03
you’re dating somebody who is this way
4:04
and this way and this way you you can
4:06
predict their behavior in a way where
4:08
you feel safe even if it’s not conscious
4:10
whereas if you date someone that’s
4:12
completely different
4:13
there’s a new set of behavior that
4:15
you’re not used to that
4:17
you know you then it just sort of irks
4:20
you a bit because you’re not you just
4:21
don’t feel safe in the same way that you
4:23
do with someone whose behaviors you
4:25
predict yeah in
4:27
in boxing one of the things I got taught
4:29
was you’re not fighting a person you’re
4:32
fighting a style before you go any
4:33
further I wanted to tell you about a
4:35
free guide I have at leavelimbo.com this
4:38
is for anybody who is stuck in limbo
4:41
right now in the casual or they’re not
4:43
going anywhere phase with somebody and
4:45
what you really want with them is an
4:47
actual committed relationship this guide
4:50
will tell you what to do and it’s at
4:51
leave limbo.com now back to the video
4:54
when you fight a style enough times you
4:58
get used to dealing with that style
5:01
and it might be that you keep changing
5:03
the person in a relationship but you
5:06
keep getting the same style
5:08
and the attractive thing about that even
5:10
if
5:12
it’s uncomfortable or it comes with pain
5:15
is as you say better the devil you know
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is really a way of saying I know the
5:20
style that I’m dealing with here I know
5:24
how to counter punch in this situation I
5:28
know what to anticipate I can read the
5:31
moves and even one step even deeper than
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that
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could it be that you know you have your
5:39
um your own issues and your own things
5:41
that you’re battling with and so having
5:42
someone for instance who is really
5:44
jealous allows you to step back into a
5:47
position of submission or calming them
5:49
down or soothing them where you feel
5:51
needed or you feel like you’re
5:52
constantly the evolved one in the
5:54
relationship so you get to also serve
5:56
you know one of your own needs through
6:00
their shortcomings or kind of more toxic
6:04
traits so to speak yeah that’s kind of a
6:06
the relationship equivalent of the big
6:10
fish small pond
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idea is that you keep dating people
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where you get to feel like the big fish
6:17
you get to feel like the together one
6:19
it’s so it’s kind of the same as the
6:21
Jerry Springer effect
6:23
right I’d rather watch Jerry Springer
6:25
because it makes me feel good about it
6:27
makes me feel together
6:30
um I don’t want to have to watch a bunch
6:32
of people who are more evolved than me
6:35
that might mean I’d actually have some
6:36
work to do that might mean I’d actually
6:38
have to grow
6:39
and I do think that is one of the
6:41
reasons that people pick a safe type
6:44
is that I don’t actually have to grow
6:46
this is non -threatening
6:49
this person does not challenge me and
6:52
although I complain to everybody
6:55
like I always think pay attention to the
6:58
things that you complain about a lot
7:00
but you keep replaying the same Dynamic
7:02
over and over again anyway
7:05
because if that’s the case you’re
7:07
getting something out of it and I want
7:09
to ask you what do you say to the person
7:12
who says well
7:15
yes fine but I’m just always attracted
7:18
to this kind of person I can’t help it
7:20
whenever I try and go for something
7:22
different it’s just not my type I’m
7:24
Pizza
7:26
what
7:28
that’s the sort of stuff you come here
7:30
for guys that’s
7:32
I think we can wrap this one up there
7:37
go on Matt what do you mean think about
7:39
it for a moment
7:41
well
7:42
Pizza can’t be Pizza
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every morning
7:48
lunch time and night
7:52
if
7:53
if that’s what you ate every meal of the
7:56
day for the rest of your life
7:58
it would stop being Pizza
8:01
it well a we would start to probably not
8:06
feel our best yeah Hard Times belly you
8:10
get what yeah Audrey and I call a Hard
8:12
Times belly which is a belly that I
8:15
sometimes develop in hard times
8:24
reference and then I not explain it
8:27
I call it I call it the cheese ball
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laughs
8:35
but it would also if you ate pizza
8:38
morning lunch and dinner
8:40
some of the satisfaction of it being
8:42
Pizza would be taken away it wouldn’t it
8:45
wouldn’t be that treat anymore
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and
8:49
I think that the person who’s mysterious
8:54
and
8:56
got that like you know that quality that
8:59
makes them really exciting it if you
9:03
if you live with that person
9:06
all day every day I guarantee they’re
9:09
not those things
9:10
right
9:12
they can’t be it it’s a
9:15
it’s a sort of thing the Friday night
9:18
pizza effect happens because it feels
9:21
like a cheat meal
9:23
right
9:24
but
9:25
that person in order to actually feel
9:29
good sustainably
9:32
we need to have some kind of sustainable
9:34
diet
9:37
which doesn’t mean being with someone
9:39
who’s never Pizza
9:41
you want to be with someone who can be
9:43
Pizza sometimes
9:45
but
9:46
that’s not something that that’s not
9:48
like a state that you just live in
9:51
with someone every second of the day
9:55
so I often think that we’ve mistaken
9:59
people who have created an artificial
10:01
sense of how exciting they are
10:05
with people who are just great people to
10:09
be with guys I have a I have a comment
10:12
from our YouTube page that is very
10:14
relevant to this point you’re making
10:15
Matt okay all right um so this comment
10:18
is from someone who says her name is
10:20
Bibi
10:22
um so I want to tell you guys because I
10:24
do feel like we’re a little community
10:26
tonight I was on a third date with a guy
10:28
whose personality isn’t my type but I
10:31
feel calm and myself around him I also
10:34
didn’t feel a lot of chemistry initially
10:36
but it’s grown because I’ve always
10:38
thought of it as handsome and cute I
10:40
found myself making a couple little
10:41
corny jokes and he seemed to appreciate
10:43
them well tonight we kissed I like that
10:47
it didn’t pressure me to kiss him this
10:49
entire time oh my gosh I lost my balance
10:52
after our kiss I know that’s just
10:54
chemistry but I’m glad it’s there I’m
10:57
really trying not to overthink things
11:00
now and spiral off but enjoy my time
11:02
with him just had to share that
11:05
wonderful
11:06
I think it’s really
11:09
it’s encouraging
11:10
but I also think it’s okay to have a
11:12
type it’s okay to like be attracted to
11:16
things what I would what I would suggest
11:19
that people do is ask themselves is
11:22
is you’re having a type is you’re being
11:24
attracted to people
11:26
is it closing you off for more people or
11:29
is it opening you up to more people
11:31
because I think there’s a way we have a
11:33
lot of people that comment that say
11:35
I’m just I never attracted to anybody
11:37
like those guys could do they could do
11:39
well to have a type to try to figure out
11:41
like what is it I like about other
11:43
humans
11:44
you know and so I just think do you ever
11:46
believe anyone though when they say
11:47
they’re not attracted to anyone well I
11:49
think it goes back to exactly what you
11:50
were saying before was they’re playing
11:51
it safe correct they don’t want to put
11:53
themselves out there but I think that it
11:55
takes I guess there’s two sides of it I
11:58
do think sometimes we get
12:00
you know I always I always joke that
12:02
like humans are my favorite animals like
12:04
they’re I really like people you gotta
12:07
like start to really try to like people
12:08
a little bit and I just think a lot of
12:10
people
12:12
find it safe to just be very critical
12:14
not my type not my thing I don’t like
12:17
that he does that I don’t like that she
12:19
looks like this and uh I think humans
12:22
are pretty awesome well I I think that
12:24
when we get too far into our type it
12:27
becomes a form of
12:30
um
12:32
it almost becomes
12:34
a form of self-hatred
12:37
that we we start looking for a specific
12:40
magical kind of person
12:43
often that is very different from how we
12:45
see ourselves
12:48
who we in some ways see as kind of
12:50
aspirational and anyone who shows the
12:52
kind of human qualities that that we
12:54
have
12:56
is kind of icky and gross
12:59
because you’re like I I’m trying to get
13:01
away from me
13:02
and your type becomes the kind of
13:06
unobtainable
13:07
the unattainable I should say
13:09
and and you’re right Jay I mean it
13:12
becomes safe it becomes safe to say
13:15
that’s my type especially when your type
13:17
is someone that is ever elusive
13:23
it’s to me it’s no different when I meet
13:26
gay men
13:27
who are like I only ever like straight
13:30
men
13:31
I’m like what kind of self-hating
13:33
[ __ ] is this
13:36
like I really like people who don’t like
13:37
me
13:38
I it well it’s so firstly it’s so safe
13:42
because it removes me from the game
13:45
I would argue they were probably in the
13:47
game in that moment with you that’s a
13:49
that’s a possibility no no they’re just
13:52
testing the waters
13:54
I also think you’d be surprised at the
13:56
amount of straight men who just kind of
14:00
go for it yeah but you know I think that
14:02
there is something look again it’s like
14:04
people who say
14:06
I it’s like people who find themselves
14:09
going after married people
14:12
there is something safe
14:14
about this
14:16
I’m in a way I’m removing myself from
14:18
the game
14:20
I don’t have to actually compete
14:23
if I’m competing in the single market
14:26
then I have competition right whereas if
14:28
you’re just off the market but I like
14:30
you
14:31
then there’s no real competition
14:35
and and I think that’s a big reason why
14:39
people end up continuously chasing after
14:43
things that feel
14:45
elusive I think there’s an interesting
14:48
kind of gray area that people may relate
14:51
to which is
14:52
when they find themselves
14:55
really enjoying being around someone
14:59
who
15:00
isn’t their type or isn’t typical for
15:04
them
15:05
and
15:06
they’re drawn to that person but they
15:09
find themselves
15:11
questioning themselves because they’ve
15:13
created this very specific blueprint
15:17
and they’re like oh but this isn’t my
15:19
type oh this isn’t what I normally go
15:22
for and that’s playing into their
15:24
decisions right now on a kind of
15:27
on an analytical level they’re putting
15:30
up a barrier when actually what they’re
15:32
experiencing and what they’re feeling
15:33
and BB who left that comment well she
15:37
kind of described is
15:39
although I felt drawn to this person
15:42
had I allowed my kind of logical mind to
15:46
put up a barrier it could have
15:49
it could have said this person isn’t the
15:51
kind of guy that I normally go for but
15:53
instead she said I’m feeling something
15:56
so let me explore that
15:58
and that to me is where there’s a lot of
16:00
potential outside of your type it’s not
16:03
by
16:04
finding someone that you don’t find
16:06
attractive at all in any way shape or
16:08
form and saying let me just stick it out
16:10
and see what happens
16:12
it’s more about paying attention to
16:17
feelings you have in directions you
16:20
don’t normally go in yes and seeing
16:23
where those feelings take you yeah and
16:26
and that can be someone’s character it
16:28
can be certain way they behave with you
16:30
a dynamic but that’s why I think yes it
16:35
can be super helpful right if you are
16:37
like you’re a sporty hiking mountain
16:40
climbing you know gym junkie whatever it
16:44
totally makes sense if you are like I’m
16:46
gonna go to physical things or I’m gonna
16:48
meet people there because I would love
16:51
someone who can share that with me that
16:53
that totally makes sense and it’s great
16:55
to think about your pool and to put
16:57
yourself in those scenarios I really
16:59
really agree with that I think it’s just
17:01
that it it shouldn’t a it shouldn’t be a
17:05
restriction and B it’s like you would be
17:08
surprised how many things that might be
17:10
peripheral or even outside of the thing
17:13
you thought was so crucial but I think
17:16
like you’re saying Matt some openness to
17:19
like I might be surprised by someone
17:22
here it might be more about our Dynamic
17:24
that’s unique and special than it is
17:27
about they checked these 10 Things I
17:31
thought I needed
17:32
in a partner and I think this may be
17:35
potentially off topic but I think this
17:37
is such a good point that I want to just
17:39
shine a light on it
17:41
because
17:43
sometimes we forget that
17:45
the things that we present our partners
17:48
the most for or the things that we don’t
17:51
like in people can be the sort of flip
17:54
side of the coin for the things that’s
17:55
going to make that are going to make
17:57
your life much better
17:59
and a lot of the times we
18:02
undervalues or even resent certain
18:05
characteristics
18:07
but what we don’t realize is whilst
18:09
discarding those were discarding all of
18:11
the great things we’re actually looking
18:12
for in people yes and I think that’s a
18:16
really important thing to remember
18:17
whenever
18:19
somebody does something and you go oh
18:20
God they they got a bit annoyed about
18:22
this they’re a bit sensitive they’re a
18:24
bit sad you know you tie it to all of
18:26
the ways that they’re sensitive are they
18:28
sensitive to your feelings as well as
18:29
their own feelings are they sensitive to
18:32
other people in the world and do they
18:34
care about things is them being
18:36
sensitive actually them being empathetic
18:38
and therefore having that in abundance
18:40
in all areas of life and does that make
18:42
your life better right and that’s that’s
18:44
it’s really that’s a great point because
18:46
then
18:46
what you can find is
18:49
you might date someone where you
18:51
initially see their sensitivity as not
18:53
sexy
18:54
right you go oh God they’re so sensitive
18:57
and blah blah and that that part of you
18:59
is like the teenager on the playground
19:01
at school is like where’s the
19:03
where’s the Danny Zuko in all of this
19:07
you know where’s the Bold like
19:10
slickbacks struts in and his leather
19:13
jacket that guy that guy’s sexy and I
19:18
love Matt’s interpretation of what
19:19
women’s types are actually like that’s
19:21
what they’re talking about
19:25
you know I think of Danny Zuko as just
19:28
having that incredible like put on
19:31
Swagger
19:32
you know but that but
19:36
you then have to run that experiment you
19:39
have to go okay like Audrey said what
19:42
actually do I get with this sensitivity
19:45
that makes my life so much better and
19:47
makes for a much better relationship and
19:50
what did the opposite of this look like
19:52
in my last five relationships
19:56
what did the the people who had no
19:59
sensitivity how did that play out for me
20:03
the last five times
20:06
so you have to run the experiment all
20:09
the way through
20:10
that thing that I keep going for
20:13
what happens
20:16
and even if my initial response to this
20:19
is not as exciting
20:22
how does that play out yeah if I
20:25
actually give it more thought and let it
20:27
run to its natural
20:29
um kind of
20:30
terminal velocity
20:32
now I want to I want to just take a step
20:35
back for a moment because I
20:36
I just want to put a bow on this and say
20:40
this that I don’t want this conversation
20:42
to be construed as
20:45
us saying I don’t want it to be
20:47
construed as kind of some sort of
20:49
preachy
20:51
go for better human beings and stop
20:55
going for people that you’re attracted
20:57
to firstly it would be incredibly sad if
21:01
you couldn’t find a marriage between the
21:02
two and if you can’t find a marriage
21:04
between the two that is suggestive of
21:06
some kind of being led by some kind of
21:09
trauma
21:10
as opposed to
21:12
something that’s actually good for you
21:13
long term
21:15
but it’s not saying go for people that
21:18
you’re not in any way attracted to
21:21
it’s be very wary
21:24
of a the instinct to keep going for the
21:27
same thing because half the time the
21:30
reason we think we’re attracted to the
21:31
same thing over and over is because
21:33
that’s the thing we keep doing we keep
21:35
reinforcing that pattern over and over
21:38
and so you’ve just convinced yourself
21:40
that that’s the only reality that’s
21:43
available to you and attraction is so
21:46
weird
21:47
and it’s so complex and it’s so in many
21:51
ways sort of unknowable that the idea
21:54
that you have figured out the only kind
21:56
of person that you can be attracted to
21:58
is so is so ridiculous
22:01
it’s nonsense you have a bias from your
22:04
ex sometimes as well right like you’re
22:06
trying to either rewrite that
22:07
relationship or you think I really love
22:10
them so that I that’s the kind of person
22:12
of course and if you had a very
22:14
emotional experience with someone of
22:16
that kind and that your brain links up
22:19
we know that the brain creates long-term
22:22
memories out of the most emotionally
22:24
heightened experiences so when you have
22:26
a relationship that there were massive
22:29
spikes of emotion then your brain wires
22:32
that up as important that was important
22:34
remember that it was important
22:37
and we’re just not aware of how many
22:40
other experiences are available to us in
22:42
the Realms of infinite possibility of
22:46
relationships we could have and types of
22:48
people we could be attracted to and the
22:50
types of people the vast array the
22:52
diversity of people that could wow us
22:55
we cannot give ourselves too much credit
22:58
that we have just figured out
23:00
exactly what it is we want and need so
23:04
that’s the first thing and the second
23:06
thing is knowing that go into your
23:10
dating life with a sense of curiosity
23:13
with a sense of openness to being
23:16
surprised Hmm this is interesting this
23:19
person’s actually I feel really good
23:21
around this person
23:23
now I’m telling myself they’re not my
23:24
normal type and therefore they must be a
23:26
friend not something more but why am I
23:28
telling myself that what’s that based on
23:30
is it really based on the fact that I
23:32
couldn’t be attracted to this person or
23:34
that I’m just not letting myself be
23:36
attracted to this person or I’m just not
23:37
giving this person the time of day
23:39
what what is whole where am I holding
23:42
myself back as opposed to I couldn’t be
23:45
attracted and some of the some of the
23:47
time the only way to know that
23:49
is to actually give something more of a
23:52
chance that you wouldn’t normally give a
23:54
chance not because you feel nothing and
23:58
you’re just having wild stabs in the
24:00
dark but because you actually do feel
24:04
something
24:05
a little flame that might actually be
24:07
worth
24:08
breathing some oxygen into that might
24:11
actually be worth giving a little more
24:13
time to catch fire like BB like BB she
24:18
didn’t she wasn’t there because she felt
24:19
nothing she was there because she felt
24:21
something curious
24:22
and she followed that Curiosity
24:26
and importantly she she said but I feel
24:28
calm in myself around him Bibi really
24:31
what bibi’s really been watching a lot
24:33
of our videos well that’s a great sign
24:35
of a healthy relationship right you feel
24:37
calm and you feel yourself around them
24:39
and you feel like you can be yourself
24:40
the reason Bibi feels like herself
24:42
around him is because along the way he’s
24:45
made her feel that she can be
24:47
he’s made her feel accepted in that way
24:50
so she’s not trying to pretend to be
24:52
something else to get his attraction and
24:55
that’s a sign of a really healthy
24:56
relationship
24:59
and I honestly think as well the more
25:01
you the more we grow the more we realize
25:04
what happiness actually looks like the
25:06
more healthy relationships start to look
25:08
really attractive
25:11
wait a minute before you click on
25:13
whatever video YouTube is recommending
25:16
you right now some sort of shark video
25:18
mine’s all videos of big waves or a you
25:22
know Mouse riding a unicycle into a bowl
25:25
of custard whatever YouTube is
25:28
recommending you right now don’t click
25:29
on that I have something better for you
25:31
it’s a free guide that helps you get out
25:33
of Limbo with someone who isn’t treating
25:36
you seriously for a relationship and
25:39
into a meaningful path with that person
25:42
that actually goes somewhere go get that
25:44
free guide at leavelimbo.com
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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