Five Things to Say When Someone Is Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Even is the intent is to be kind, some questions and comments can make the target feel like they are not believed or understood. If we want to be supportive, what, then, do folks really want to hear? Here are a few thoughts:

ONE: What do you need? Best not to assume you know. It might be emotional support, it might be a safe place to stay, it might be help finding a lawyer, job, etc. I also think it can be helpful to ask this more than once, because a) needs change and b) the person may get more comfortable sharing if they know you really mean it.

TWO: If you want to talk about it, I’m here. If you don’t want to talk about it, I’m here. Sometimes targets need to share about what happened, and sometimes it feels like too much. Being supportive means being sensitive to whether talking about it causes stress to the person or helps them process.

THREE (if they want to talk and process): What was hard for you in this relationship or situation? When we ask this sort of question, the person tends to feel believed and validated. The assumption is that there must be legitimate reasons for the break. Reflecting on this with a caring listener also helps them make sense of things.

FOUR: You didn’t cause this and you didn’t deserve it. Often in the healing process, targets tend to doubt and even blame themselves. Supportive friends reminding us that no, it was not our fault can be a helpful counterpoint to the internal dialogue.

FIVE: I believe you. It’s critical to know we are believed after having been gaslighted and manipulated in a toxic relationship. It’s also common that the target may have been hearing ill-informed comments from others, such as “It wasn’t that bad, was it?” or “Why not try counseling?” or “I’m sure (toxic person) really meant well.” Etc. To feel seen and heard and believed is one of the most healing things targets of abuse need from those around them.

These are just a few things that are helpful to say when someone is healing. If you care for someone who is going through this, it’s important to know there is little in life that is less painful, confusing, and difficult. Being a safe, supportive, non-judgmental space for them is a bigger gift than you may realize.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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