Bullies aren’t the only individuals who make others feel small.
We are each capable of being toxic partners.
We assume our little, flawed habits are harmless. That’s a comforting lie. We are capable of unintentional harm and being better people.
It helps to know how you belittle your bedmate to improve as a life companion each day.
Here are five habits that discredit your spouse’s feelings and how to be different next time.
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Don’t be an interview host.
Obvious benefits make people subject themselves to weird things.
But you don’t want someone only interested in a short-term reward. You want someone willing to take things slow.
I once set up many obstacles for my matches.
I thought my vetting process needed to be intrusive and lengthy to weed out the bad guys. Many times, I would bombard dates with one question after another. None were the yes or no type. Instead, each asked for more personal details than the last.
What did I give in return for their answers? Nothing. I guarded information about myself. These guys did not get angry. They got more determined to appear as a nice guy to get the cookie and leave.
Something had to change.
Not asking for celibacy? But hoping to take things slow.
Rather than dismiss your partner’s need for intimacy with emotional barriers. Build rapport and connection.
Don’t ask “what do you do for a living?”. Then inquire about their childhood and parents after. Instead, ask about their career. Next, follow-up by asking why they choose that job. And let them ask you a question in return.
Two-way communication helps you find things to bond over. So, both of you experience a form of intimate connection.
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Don’t be like the princess and the pea.
In the last year, living situations have changed for most of us. Over a year into the pandemic, I am still adjusting.
It’s difficult.
And I’m biased towards focusing on my discomfort. But if your ache is the only one getting attention. It means your lover’s annoyances and troubles get ignored. They feel like they are always compromising. Your partner feels unappreciated.
Saying “thank you” seems inadequate after the way you behaved. But those words are a start. Changed behavior begins with gratitude.
Gratitude spreads positivity, uplifts your partner, and shifts the focus from your personal problems.
- Before you say sorry, pause and express gratitude.
- If you feel like continuing with a “but” statement, stop. Choose instead to explain why you are grateful.
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Don’t only be a vent.
There are some strange people on Quora.
They ask a question. Kind strangers respond with solutions. Only for the question writer to find fault with the answers. Why? They aren’t willing to do the work.
If you only want your partner to listen, tell them.
Otherwise, they will rank their brain to find a fix for your issue. When you don’t take your partner’s advice, they get annoyed. Later, more little things you do start bothering them.
Communication won’t make your relationship perfect. But it can stop your companion from adding more habits to their mental “annoying thing babe does every time” list.
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Don’t expect life to be like an IG Reel.
The side effects of chasing goals affect not only you.
They affect your spouse as well. If you must work yourself into ash, let your mate know they can remind you to take a break. Let them know it is okay to say they need time with you.
Life is not a 5, 30, or 60-second video. Transitions take much longer.
Learn to enjoy the journey.
A supportive wife and husband want three things:
- To see you remain healthy.
- To help you achieve your goals.
- To maintain common bonds and intimacy in the relationship.
Sometimes, time spent on a date feels trivial when focused on your goals. Try to remember that your mate is looking out for you and the strength of your union.
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Don’t ignore your humanity.
Friends and family upset me plenty.
I blamed them for everything. The cold shower water I bathed in this morning is someone else’s fault. Not my fault- the person who woke up as the sun began dipping low.
Most times, your partner is trying as hard as you. They, however, choose to work in silence.
Start solving your problems.
Be the heroine and hero in your life. Begin acknowledging where you went wrong. Solutions become visible when you know what you can do differently.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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