Many of us guys like to fix things. There is something so satisfying in taking our wrench and screwdriver and solving the problem of the suspicious noise coming from our car’s engine or repairing the toaster that burns the toast. The role of the guy that fixes things works best when restricted to inanimate objects. When he expands his role to fixing his partner, he may be asking for trouble.
It’s one thing to fix a car or toaster, it’s another to try to fix a partner’s pain, unhappiness, or depression. This is especially true if we are in part responsible for her distress. People’s psyches are complex. The old saying, ”A smart man doesn’t try to fix his watch”, might well apply.
The “fixer” role is one many men gravitate to. A fixer is the guy in charge. It is assumed that he has the knowledge and skills to help the person needing to be fixed. It’s an uneven relationship, with the fixer on top, in a position of power and authority, a kind of authority similar to the one that parents hold over their young children. There are situations where this is appropriate; when a partner who is injured cannot do something for herself, or when she is confused and in need of guidance and requests it. Here, there is a stated request or unstated agreement for the helper to be of help. Things get muddy when the guy assumes the helper role without permission and steps in and makes decisions for the other without taking her wishes into consideration. This violates her boundaries and can lead to resentment, resistance, and power struggles.
If the guy’s ego is involved and he is invested in being the rescuer of his “damsel in distress”, this will make things worse. He’s doing it for the glory or to gain brownie points, not for her. Since his ego is enmeshed in his role as helper, if she doesn’t improve, he will feel like he is incompetent and he failed. If the guy wants to be of genuine help, he should not try to enhance his ego or cement his role as the capable man in charge. He needs to be present for her.
Being present is very different than trying to be “Mr. Fixit”. Usually, Mr. Fixit is more concerned about his own discomfort than his partner’s pain. His partner’s distress affects him, upsets him. He will numb his discomfort by cutting off his feelings, and try to get her to tone down her emotions. He will distract her by immediately offering her solutions, regurgitating facts, or telling stories of people who were in similar predicaments. Exactly opposite from what she needs, which is his loving presence.
Being of help to someone in need, especially someone close, is a grave responsibility. It is a sensitive interaction and should be taken on with empathy, compassion, and careful deliberation. You are equal partners. Her needs are of the greatest importance. Your role is to support, not take over and fix. You are there initially to listen, confer, ask, not direct. You are there to be a loving presence first, then problem solve if and when that is appropriate. With this receptive attitude, you can be of the greatest help.
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This post is republished on Agents of Change on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStockphoto