'For Best Results, Keep Her Insecure' (Worst. Advice. Ever.)

I got my first job at age 13 at a drapery dry cleaning facility. My father and uncle provided cleaning services for hotels and fancy homes with long, flowing drapes. They were experts in removing drapes, cleaning and pressing them, and then re-hanging them, looking new.

So instead of heading to the beach with my friends after summer school, I hopped on a few city buses and, an hour later, arrived at my dad’s plant. It was hot, stuffy, dark, and smelled of cleaning fluid and grease. There was plenty of work to do, including painting the floors, cleaning the machines, and filing receipts.

Despite the many crazy adventures I harvested that summer, including chasing rats, painting the 2nd story roof, and driving the delivery vans around the alleys, I’ve forgotten most of what happened. However, one thing I will never forget was my very first day.

Upon walking into my dad’s office, my father turned to me and said, “Dovid, you’re not working for me this summer. You are working for your uncle, Jerry.” I remember feeling bewildered, as they were partners, so technically, I was working for them both. But my uncle quickly cleared up my confusion. “From now on, when you walk into this building, I’m not your uncle anymore. I’m Mr. Feldman, your boss. I expect you to treat this opportunity with the responsibility of any other employee. If you do a good job, you will get paid. If not, I won’t hesitate to fire you and put you out on your ass.”

I sat there, speechless, petrified, and stunned. My usually jovial uncle, who took us on camping trips and made me shirley-temples on Thanksgiving, spoke to me like I just walked off the street looking for a job. However, his words had the desired effect, and I’m sure I’ve never treated any future bosses with as much reverence and fear. That summer, my father and uncle got every penny’s worth out of me.

It’s this same approach that the red pill encourages men to have in their relationships. To get the “best” out of the woman in your life, the sharp blade of a breakup, separation, and divorce must always hang just a few centimeters from the cutting block. Too much security inspires complacency, so the theory goes, and she will stop putting effort into loving you. Because really, she only wants to use you, not give to you. What’s stopping her from completely taking advantage of your sacrifice is the ever-present threat of abandonment.

To a certain extent, this works. Like my 13-year-old self, most rise to our best behavior when fearful. We will do what it takes not to disturb the status quo and wear our Sunday best to make the best impression.

But this method represents the antithesis of a loving, authentic relationship.

A relationship where we can depend on each other, lean into each other, open up to each other, and be vulnerable with each other. Because to have a genuine relationship, you must establish trust, and trust can’t grow in the presence of insecurity.

On a deeper level, leading with threats only begets a superficial, external connection with our partner. We never get to know them and never experience their deep strengths, unique powers, and contributions because they are too busy putting on a front for us, lest they get “fired” from our relationship. In reality, this isn’t a connection at all but rather a one-sided dog and pony show to get the results you desire.

This approach isn’t only harmful to the victim but to the perpetrator as well. As a therapist, I’ve been contacted many times by men who tried to implement this method resulting in feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse. We do our best to repair the mess and invariably return to the basics of rebuilding trust and intimacy: kindness, gratitude, and affection.

Yes, there are shortcuts to getting the behavior you want. But there are no shortcuts to getting the love, trust, and security you both need to build a great marriage and family.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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