For Heaven’s Sake! Stop Giving Ultimatums

You hear all the time about people (often women) issuing ultimatums to their partners. Usually, this stems from feeling out of control, and not having a more grounded, mature way to communicate needs and desires.

That’s exactly the situation Shelly and Steve found themselves in. Things between them started off great, as they do in new relationships. After two years they moved in together and Shelly immediately started dropping hints about wanting to get engaged. They had discussed marriage loosely in a casual way, but she suddenly felt the pressure and passed that on to Steve. At first, the hints were subtle, Shelly pointing out other women’s rings that she liked—for future reference—but the hints got more and more direct. Shelly talked daily about how things would be at their wedding, or when they were married or had kids. Steve loved Shelly but didn’t feel the time crunch Shelly did. He was more focused on his job and making strides in the professional world.

And then his dad died.

While he had a tumultuous relationship with his father, Steve still felt guilty that they weren’t closer, and that he hadn’t spent more time with his dad, flying back to Connecticut only once a year or so after college. He was grief-stricken and not sure how to process it. He was still able to focus at work—he thought it a nice distraction from the despair inside him—but began going through the motions at home, pulling back his efforts from his relationship, not because he suddenly didn’t love Shelly any longer, but because he had shut down his heart in order to curb the sorrow.

Shelly felt the distance between them and started pushing harder to get engaged. Steve remained non-commital about it, and finally Shelly snapped.

She delivered an ultimatum to Steve, telling him that if they weren’t engaged by Christmas—only four months away—then she was going to break up with him and Steve would have to move out. Steve was miserable and frustrated. This wasn’t how he’d envisioned proposing to his future wife. But he also didn’t feel like he had the wherewithal to find a new place to live and move on top of his other stressors…so he bought a ring for Shelly.

She was ecstatic. At first. But then his reluctance to get engaged turned into a reluctance to help plan the wedding and Shelly was disenchanted all over again. She didn’t just want to get her way; She wanted Steve to be excited about their future like she was. So she issued another ultimatum: help plan this wedding, or the engagement was off, and they would break up.

This pattern continued between them for the first 5 years of their marriage too. Each time Shelly wanted something, like having kids now instead of in a year or two, instead of fostering an open discussion about how Steve felt about it and coming to a mutual agreement, she gave Steve an ultimatum in order to get what she wanted. And it worked in the short term. But each time Shelly manipulated Steve this way, he got a bigger and bigger icky feeling inside. He resented that he felt pressured to capitulate to her whims, and felt like his thoughts on the matter weren’t taken into account. It was no surprise when Steve finally got fed up with how Shelly pressured him and put his foot down.

Theirs was a really messy divorce—Shelly felt betrayed because she had been getting her way the whole time and claimed she had no inkling that Steve hadn’t been ready to get engaged, or married, or have kids. Steve was mad at himself for not putting his foot down, or being more expressive with Shelly—he really did love her but her timeline was not his—and bitter about the way he felt maneuvered into giving Shelly what she wanted, his feelings be damned.

Ultimatums might get the person issuing the demands what they want in the short term, but it usually backfires long term. The person who had the gauntlet thrown their way resents, as Steve did, feeling exploited and powerless. Eventually, they may seek ways to break free of the hold the other person has on them. So for Heaven’s sake: Please stop giving ultimatums. Wouldn’t you rather have someone’s agreement to your plans and ideas without manipulating them? Wouldn’t you rather know that this is what they want too?

Want a better way? Communicate calmly about your needs. Let your partner know what it is you want to happen, and why. Have an open discussion and hear your partner. Find out early if you’re on the same page as far as goals and values and timing. If Steve and Shelly had discussed and agreed on a general timeline for marriage and kids before they moved in together, they might still be together. Or perhaps they would have split up years earlier, realizing that they had different goals. Either way, it would have been a more honest, and open communication, with each person feeling valued and heard. And really, isn’t that what we want in a relationship?

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Previously Published on medium

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