Four Examples of Why Your Beliefs Around Monogamy May Be Incompatible

A quote by the therapist Marty Klein states, “Couples often fight over contracts they’ve never made.”

I recently posted a video about monogamy on one of my social media channels. Many people said that flirting or even hanging out with the opposite sex can be considered cheating. But shouldn’t it be you and your partner who define infidelity and decide what is acceptable within the confines of your relationship?

After all, if you have never discussed what monogamy means to you, how can you assume that your partner’s beliefs line up exactly with yours?

“Any couple should understand that by itself, being married and/or in a relationship isn’t enough to ensure monogamy. Each may have different ideas about what “marriage” and “relationship” means.

It’s vital for the couple to mutually agree on a contract stating their agreement about monogamy, or non-monogamy.” –Psychology Today

Let me provide you some examples of how the lines between monogamy can be blurred if you aren’t having this all-too-important conversation with your partner.

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#1. One of you is fine with porn, and the other isn’t

If there is any topic that can cause a heated discussion, it is the consumption of pornography in a relationship.

Some couples happily watch porn together, whereas others consider it a form of cheating.

A friend of mine married her husband when they were very young. Her husband struggled with depression and turned to porn as an escape. There was no conversation around porn, and as time went on, my friend discovered that her husband had thousands of photos on his phone of other women.

She believes porn to be cheating, whereas her husband says that it is harmless. Either way, it causes a huge strain in their relationship and is something that needed to be addressed early on.

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#2. One of you thinks it is fine having friends of the opposite sex, whereas it makes the other person uncomfortable

During my senior year at college, I had a friend named Jack that had been in one of my classes and eventually became part of my friend group. We called each other “best guy that is a friend” and “best girl that is a friend.” We were not interested in each other romantically, and Jack introduced me to one of his best friends, David.

After graduating, I had a party, and Jack came along with several dozens of other men and women. David decided to tell me right before everyone arrived that he didn’t want me to be friends with Jack anymore because it was “weird” for guys and girls to be friends.

I completely understand cultivating boundaries around friends of the opposite sex, but David basically gave me an ultimatum, him or Jack. Needless to say, our relationship didn’t last, but I wish I would have known at the beginning that he had a deep-rooted belief that men and women could NEVER be friends.

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#3. One person in the relationship believes inviting a third into the bedroom for one time is fine, whereas the other does not

Several weeks ago, I was sitting out on my patio with one of my best friends and was surprised when she told me that her husband is open to a threesome.

“Would you be open to exploring that with him?” I asked her curiously while simultaneously taking a sip of my wine.

“I don’t know… I’m such a monogamous person. That being said, who knows how I’ll feel in twenty years? I may want to try it at least once.” My friend shrugged, and our conversation moved to other topics, but her words stuck with me.

Many couples do explore having a threesome or being sexually adventurous together. If two people are married for twenty years and decide to involve someone else once or twice, does that make them suddenly non-monogamous? It may seem like it is black or white, but even inviting someone else into the picture can make things a little grey when you break it down.

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#4. One person believes that it is okay to “harmlessly” flirt with the opposite sex, whereas the other person doesn’t

Many people advocate for “healthy” flirting and claim that you can have “playful banter if you set up boundaries.”

When I was younger, I dated someone who thought I was inappropriately flirting. Being young and not the most self-reflective, I didn’t validate his feelings and pushed them aside. The reality is that I knew my behavior was trending on inappropriate, but instead of admitting it to him, I became defensive and angry.

Even if flirting seems like a strange conversation to have, bring it up with your partner initially. Decide what is considered “friendly” conversation and where it goes too far, whether that’s touching someone else playfully or spending too much time talking with them at a dinner party.

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I am writing to remind you that we all too often “assume” instead of communicating.

When my partner and I were first dating, we approached topics in the very beginning that I had never discussed with other partners until much further into the relationship.

We expressed our feelings about open relationships, threesomes and agreed on the boundaries that we wanted to put in place right away to set us up for success.

The lines can blur all too easily, so instead of finding out late in the relationship that your partner watches porn all the time and you don’t think anyone should watch it even once, have the conversation early on.

Even if you are “monogamous” you and your partner need to have in-depth conversations to ensure that your beliefs and viewpoints are compatible.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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