Four Signs Your Relationship Is Turning Toxic

My mom’s first marriage with my biological dad was toxic. And when I asked her if there were signs beforehand, she answered a “yes” without a doubt.

Believe it or not, you know it when things aren’t looking good in your relationship. You can sense it. Little things add up and become bigger problems. Some couples ignore it, and some decide to do something about it.

It’s important to look at these subtle signs earlier because once you’re deep in a toxic relationship, trying to get out will usually take years of your life.

And expecting the “love” to change it all isn’t truly practical.

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So here are some signs that your relationship is turning into a toxic one:

1. No fair fighting rule is applied when arguments happen.

We can tell whether someone’s relationship is healthy or not by looking at how they fight. Do they call names? Does the guy selfishly reject the girl’s opinion? Do they look like they still respect each other?

If the answer to those questions is mostly “no,” then it’s a clear indication that their relationship is either already toxic or turning into one.

No one wants to be in a relationship where there’s no respect in it. I’ve been there, and it’s mentally draining.

Screaming and calling names in every argument that happens isn’t good for both of your mental health. This will eventually lead to resentment and not wanting to talk about the problem at all.

2. Either you or your partner constantly accuses each other of cheating.

We all know a relationship won’t survive without trust.

If you always find ways to doubt your partner’s intentions, then what you need to do is work on yourself (which, most times, it’s the insecurities). Because lashing it out to your partner will only make the situation worse.

I’m sure it’s not a nice feeling to come home every day and find your partner thinks you’re up to something. Unless you find the real proof that shows your partner is unfaithful, trying to confront your partner about your suspicion isn’t worth it.

This goes the same way for your partner as well. You can be all in and never accuse them of anything bad, but if they get super jealous over random people in your life, then they have a deeper issue than they’d like to admit.

People in a toxic relationship doesn’t want to admit that those insecurities are on them to work on. It’s not their partner’s responsibility to make them feel better every time.

They have the right to ask for reassurance once in a while, but not to the point where they question your commitment on day to day basis.

3. You don’t feel safe and always hide your feelings from each other.

My mom knew her marriage was turning toxic when she couldn’t let my dad know about how she felt. Because she knew he’d be so angry instead of listening to her.

She also didn’t feel safe anymore when he was at home. It felt like the person she married had changed into someone she didn’t want to be around. So she kept hiding her feelings and problems.

Those who are in a healthy relationship don’t do this to each other. Because it’s very important to make the other person feels appreciated and loved. Doing it all the time isn’t easy, but they’re trying their best.

When they have problems, they have no hesitance to go and talk to their partner. They don’t have to hide their feelings because their partner makes them feel safe to express them.

So notice how you feel in your relationship. Do you feel supported and appreciated? Or do you find yourself not sharing whatever you feel with your partner anymore?

4. Keeping score in the relationship

I’m guilty of this.

I’ve done this in the past, where I kept the score to prove that my boyfriend loved me just as much as I did. If he didn’t do “xxx,” then I wouldn’t do “xxx” because it wasn’t fair for me.

Soon enough, it turned toxic.

An article from Psychology Today mentioned that,

Couples who constantly keep score, measuring deviations from expected performance, set themselves up for a host of bad feelings and unpleasant exchanges. We don’t tend to think of our close relationships as playing fields where parties rack up points and penalties. However, when this happens, even without conscious intent, the potential is ripe for misunderstandings and arguments.

And those arguments lead to screaming and yelling at each other because both parties just want to prove that they’re right. Which later on, they didn’t realize it was only going to bring their relationship to a dark place.

Because when the respect is gone, and your unrealistic expectations get in the way, it’s only about time until your relationship turns toxic.

When your relationship is turning toxic, it doesn’t necessarily your fault or your partner’s fault. Sure, if you found out your partner is apparently narcissistic and they never take the blame, then it’s safe to conclude that it’s on them.

And if your judgment is right, you should get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

But most times, it’s also both parties that caused the relationship into a toxic one. They might not realize it until it’s crumbling, and they can’t save it anymore.

This is why communication is the main recipe to keep the relationship stable and healthy.

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If you think you got all those signs yet you still want to make it work, talk it out with your partner and see if they’re still on the same page with you. In order to fix it, you can’t be the only one whos’ trying.

You need your partner to jump on board and find the solution together.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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