Do you find it hard not to take things personally in your relationship? After all, it’s a relationship, right? So it shouldn’t be too concerning if you have that habit.
That’s what I thought too in the first year of my relationship. But the more I did it, the more I suffered emotionally. Everything around it felt so heavy, and it’s hard to be logical at times.
Many people, especially those who are more emotional, tend to have this problem. When the relationship is still new and fresh, the attachment is higher; therefore, it’s hard not to take things personally when something bad happens.
Through trials and errors, I’ve concluded these four ways are the ones that have helped me the most to be better at handling my emotions and, most importantly, not letting my feelings get in the way.
Don’t Jump to a Conclusion Right Away
I used to get very upset when my partner didn’t return the call. Even though I didn’t have important things to talk about, I couldn’t help but get hurt. Rather than trying to see what’s really happening with him, I’d jump to the conclusion that he just didn’t care.
In times like that, things would escalate quickly. We’d have unnecessary drama, and I hate to admit this, but sometimes I also cried. That small problem eventually got stretched, and before we both knew it, we’d argue about other things too.
Then one day, I just stopped. I stopped letting my feelings took over the situation and forced myself to understand the whole situation instead. So now, when he couldn’t return my call, I’d just go on with my day and redirect my thoughts into something else like writing or journaling.
What you can do:
I knew it’s so easy to jump to a conclusion — and most times, it’s the negative one. If you face any situations like that, don’t let your mind fall into the rabbit hole. Catch it before it wanders and engages in the “what ifs” scenarios. If you are in bed, get up and do something physically, it helps you become present and not dwell in those thoughts.
Ask Your Partner for Further Explanation
Once you successfully redirected your thoughts into something else and not letting yourself dwell in the “what ifs” scenarios, it’s time to clear things up. You might see this as too much work, but if you don’t do it, it’ll always be stuck in your mind.
Then there will be resentment in the relationship without you realize it or not. The worst thing about it is your partner might not have any ideas that you hold some grudges, so it’s better to solve the problem earlier.
What you can do:
No matter how small it is, if you feel like something doesn’t feel good, you need to talk it out with your partner. Your partner doesn’t pick up your call? Ask him why. He/she doesn’t pick your favorite meal on the way back? Find the answer instead of getting upset for days.
Put Yourself in Their Shoes
It’s only last week when my partner couldn’t talk to me because his schedule to call me collided with his family time. At first, it’s tough to understand the situation because we hadn’t spoken for 3 days. It only made sense if I got disappointed.
But I always knew if I turned the old habit where I took everything personally, it would only make things worse. So I decided to get out of my head and think of something that made me happy instead. This might sound like a small thing, and sometimes your partner doesn’t even realize that what they did hurt you.
What you can do:
I always find it helpful to take a minute or two to be with yourself and think it through with a clear mind. Try to imagine what it’s like when you are in your partner’s shoes. How would you feel if you, as their partner, blame them for something that’s out of their control? Certainly not good.
Doing this can also help you gain new insights. Next time you have time to talk to your partner, you know what exactly do you want him/her to do, so it’ll be easier for you to understand without wasting your time thinking about the negative things.
Focus on the Big Picture
Last but certainly not least, try to see the big picture instead of focusing too much on the small problems. Remind yourself how far both you and your partner have come and things that you’ve gone through together to keep the relationship going.
Yes, you aren’t a saint, and there’s no way you can put a smile on your face all the time when your partner disappointed you. But also understand that it’s not their intention either to hurt your feelings. I know it’s hard to think that way; that’s why you need to force your mind to seek more positives thoughts and let go of the resentment feelings.
What you can do:
Taking the time to write down the big goals you and your partner have can significantly impact the situation. Lack of understanding can ruin the relationship if you aren’t careful. So remind yourself why you are with them in the first place and all the plans you have for the future.
. . .
Final Thoughts
As Robert Celner ever said,
It takes a lot of effort to stop our ego from ruining our relationship. Most problems in the relationship can be solved. It’s just a matter of whether you still want to put in the work or not.
Not taking things personally in the relationship is a skill that’s hard to gain because your partner is the closest person in your life. You know everything about them, and sometimes it makes you think you also know what’s on their mind. But you don’t.
So only focus on the things you can control, and one of them is dealing with your own thoughts and emotions.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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