Freedom

George Michael performed on the premiere episode of MTV Unplugged in 1996, back in the days when MTV still actually played music. George sang his amazing rhythm and blues rendition of his hit Freedom 90. Academy Award Winner Mark Ronson had later described Freedom 90, “It’s the Mona Lisa.”

George was filled with so much joy, life, and freedom singing Freedom 90. For many years, George covered his homosexuality from the public platform. No, he was not free. He suffered. In 1998, George came out as gay in the CNN interview following his arrest for solicitation in a Beverly Hill public restroom.

In 1987, his album Faith dropped, and George Michael instantly transformed into the biggest pop superstar on Planet Earth. George was Taylor Swift before Taylor Swift became Taylor Swift. However, George couldn’t come out as gay, because that would derail his pop superstar career at the time. Recall, those were different times. In retrospect, perhaps not so different. Still, George suffered in silence living a lie. His lie became truth.

In his song Freedom 90, George wrote the biting lyric: All we have to do now is take these lies and make them true, somehow. I profoundly get what it was like to be George Michael. I’m not gay. Still, what culturally underlies being gay is that there’s something wrong, that you’re not good enough.

Since I was 8 years old, I held my fear inside me that I was not good enough, that there was something wrong with me. Dad terrified me to my soul when I was little boy. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone, especially me. Something was very wrong with me.

Consequently, I spent much of my adult life proving that I was good enough, that I was good enough to be loved. I told myself the lie that “I’m not good enough” for a very long time. That was truth, until it was not. I could always be better looking, stronger, smarter and richer. That’s just life, the human design. I learned to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. That became my truth. I’m the only one who frees me. I’m free to be me. That’s real freedom.

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I’ve been the biggest George Michael fan, since his Wham days and his iconic hit song Careless Whisper which he wrote when he was 17 years old. George’s dear friend superstar Elton John once said that “He’s the greatest songwriter of his generation.” Of all people, Elton would know.

Over the years, George struggled with his sexuality, depression, and drug addiction resulting in several arrests and probations. On December 25, 2016, George Michael died of heart disease in his home in Goring-on-Thames, Oxfordshire. George was 53 years old. Perhaps, George’s body finally failed. At the time, I was a year older than George. The world lost a great singer and songwriter, and a good man far too soon.

Often I tell myself lies, what’s not true. Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.” I’m true to myself when I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. That’s freedom. Still, freedom takes some work, takes some practice.

In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. On my path to end suffering, I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I train in Aikido, participate in therapy with Lance Miller, and write for The Good Men Project. I love and forgive mine own self. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I just train.

I’m not good enough is my lie. I’ve had a great 35-year career as a Satellite Systems Engineer working and contributing on large complex Government Programs. I’m Godan (5th degree black belt) in Aikido. As Sensei, I teach others to be strong inside, what I wasn’t when I was a kid. On The Good Men Project with my editor Lisa Hickey I write about loving and forgiving thine own self on finding one’s path to end suffering.

I’m afraid of many things. I still have my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I enter what I fear, get under what I fear. I hold my position. I open up and let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear I let go more of my fear inside. I free me. That’s freedom. The freedom George Michael joyously sang about in Freedom 90.

Rest in Peace, George. “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest…” He took those lies and made them true, somehow. Maybe, he is finally free. Amen.

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Photo by Rowan Heuvel on Unsplash

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