One of the biggest realizations I had this year is that ex-back advice really is just self-improvement in disguise.
Let me be a bit more specific. What I realized is that becoming more attractive and maximizing your chances of getting back with your ex largely boils down to an internal process, a shift in priorities and self-perception.
So rather than focusing on changing one’s outer behavior (i.e., what you say, how you present yourself, how you move, etc), it’s better to focus on mindset, emotional health, and beliefs. Once you improve those aspects, attractive behavior ensues without the need to think about it, and your chances of reconciliation rise.
Think I’m full of shit? Here’s some food for thought.
A Case For A Self-Improvement-Based Approach To Re-Attraction
Keep getting friend-zoned or rejected? Stop submitting yourself to a position where you can be friend-zoned or rejected. To do this, stop reaching out to your ex, manage the needy tendencies propelling you to run after them, and expand your self-awareness to where you can notice how you come across mid-interaction (i.e., needy, non-needy, or something in between).
Ex keeps disrespecting you, stringing you along, or using you? Stop being a spineless idiot and assert some personal boundaries. Stand up for yourself and how you believe you should be treated. And move the hell on if your ex can’t treat you how you want.
Constantly feeling overwhelmed, panicky, emotional, and can’t stop obsessing over your ex? Find something you care more about than getting them back. This can be anything: a cause or movement you believe in, another relationship, excelling in your career, or following a life purpose. Put differently, diversity your identity. Don’t make your ex the center of your universe, the sole source of your happiness. Care more about yourself and your life than them. Absorb happiness and meaning from numerous sources, not only one.
Believe your ex is your soulmate, that you can’t live without them, and that you’ll never find a better match? Realize that you’re bullshitting yourself, that those beliefs are baseless, unjustifiable, and harmful. Then work on dislodging them and acquiring new, more empowering ones. A good place to start is by simply asking yourself, “What if I’m wrong.”
Can’t stop seeking your ex’s validation and approval and are always trying to impress them? Spawn some self-respect. Instead of thinking about how to wow your ex next, inspire them to return, or get them to throw you a compliment or two, think, “What’s my ex doing for me?” “Are they trying to get my validation, approval, attention, and affection?” Do they reciprocate my advances? Once you begin thinking with a bit more self-respect, act accordingly. Meaning that if your ex can’t give you what you want, you move on to someone who can.
Have difficulties gauging your ex’s level of interest, connecting with them, and opening them up emotionally? Start hanging out with more people and dating around. Then, while doing either, put an emphasis on developing social skills like storytelling, relating, flirting, using humor, and so forth. And approach your interactions with a higher dose of vulnerability than usual.
Need I go on?
Maybe this self-improvement stuff doesn’t sound too sexy, but get it in order, and re-attraction will likely sort itself out. That, or you’ll realize your ex was actually a pretty unsuitable partner and that you should find someone who’s a better fit. Nothing wrong with either conclusion.
A Pivot In Brand And Subject Matter
Another thing I realized this year is that it’s this deeper, self-development stuff I’m most interested in writing about. It’s also what you should be reading, as opposed to your typical “5 reasons to avoid contacting an ex,” or “32 signs your ex will return.”
Don’t get me wrong, this surface-level stuff is important, but we need to go deeper eventually. In other words, the shallows are a decent starting point, but a shitty end point. Its in the depths where we’ll find the gems that will actually improve your chances as well as yourself, not in the shallows.
Thus, in light of all of this, I’m pivoting.
I feel like I’ve said everything about getting an ex back that I wanted to say, and I have nothing more to really add to the discussion. Besides, the idea of spending the next 5 or 10 years milking this subject feels as exciting as sticking my dick in a light socket. So here’s what you can expect from me going forward.
After finishing my upcoming book on re-attraction, I’m done writing about the topic, granted I have nothing new or valuable to say about it. Consider the project my swan song, my final statement.
Now the new focus of this blog will be, as I alluded earlier, self-improvement. Of course, always tailored for people going through a breakup. I essentially want to dive deeper into topics that often get overlooked in our ex-back space and, by extension, the breakup advice space at large. Mainly because they’re not algorithm friendly and are challenging to write about.
These include topics like:
- Identity and values.
- Purpose and meaning.
- Letting go and detachment.
- Emotional baggage and unavailability.
- Relational habits and patterns.
- Mental models, focus, and productivity.
- Resilience, pain, and mental toughness.
- Anxiety and depression.
- Self-esteem and worth.
- Trauma and post traumatic grown.
- State of mental health in our culture.
- Hope and death.
I have already glossed over these subjects in many articles. But I was still actively pushing it down, suppressing it, choking the bitch in a sewage filled bathtub, and pleasing Google’s algorithms instead.
I’ll do less of that from now on.
I’ll also experiment more with storytelling, satire, and other unconventional approaches to writing non-fiction. Approaches that challenge me creatively and make my work something truly different compared to other breakup advice blogs.
And finally, I’ll occasionally make particular articles more personal, uncomfortably inserting bits and pieces of myself in them — the good, the bad, and the fucked up.
I understand that this pivot might make me lose some of you. That’s fine. Even if you never read another word I write, know that I have nothing but love and appreciation for you. You have given me more than you realize, and I can be nothing but grateful. My run in the ex-back industry has been incredible. I truly hope I’m leaving it better than I found it.
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Previously Published on maxjancar.com
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