Getting Humbled by Illness

This last week, I came down with flu-like symptoms, and I will say I had the flu given my symptoms of a fever, chills, a runny and stuffy nose, cough, and sore throat. I get sick maybe once or twice a year, but when I do, it’s usually a bit more debilitating than it was when I was younger, probably because it happens so infrequently. This one has been particularly humbling because I had to take off from class for the first time in two years, and I could barely run for an entire weeks. I got very lucky with a snow day at work and some days off planned by my employer to focus on my recovery.

As a long-distance marathon runner, I had to take several days off from running. The days I could run, I ran only two miles and was coughing almost the entire time. I didn’t want to lose my rhythm because if I take two days off of running, it will feel like I did not run for months, but my respiratory system definitely was not nearly the same as I usually was. I was not been able to get as much done at all, and there was one day when I slept about 15 hours and just laid in the bed for most of the hours I was awake. I did attend classes on Zoom due to inclement weather, and when I had my camera on, I saw that I was very visibly unwell with my face and eyes red, wearing a heavy winter jacket inside when the heat at home had it at 70–72 degrees. I felt like I was sitting in a refrigerator even when it was ostensibly very warm inside, and other people could tell I was unwell.

The illness was very humbling because some of the daily tasks I was able to get done with ease suddenly were not getting done. I could not study as much as I usually did, and was not as productive as I usually am. Functioning at about 50–60% capacity was not fun, nor did it make me feel like a particularly effective and productive citizen of society. Spending more than 10 hours a day to up to 13 to 14 hours of the day just sleeping was not relaxing — it made me feel lazy and incapable, and I did not feel particularly good when I was resting, even though I knew it was exactly what I needed. Beyond not being productive, I could not engage in my social life since I did not want to get people sick, could barely exercise beyond running, and could barely stay awake.

I was not my usual self. I was more lethargic, drained, and unproductive than usual. None of this was particularly surprising given my condition, I presume, but it was worrying nonetheless. I knew my condition could begin to deteriorate even more if I did not take it easy, take care of myself, and get a lot of rest. I worried that it could result in hospitalization or bronchitis, even though it was unlikely given the precautions I was taking in taking care of myself. I wondered whether it was bird flu, but I still wanted to maintain a balance and go to work to the extent I could and go to class to the extent I could.

Most of this comes from hubris. I just didn’t think I would get sick since it only happens once or twice a year, so I didn’t get my flu shot. I got sick right after the marathon I ran in November, which is a very natural occurrence right after a marathon. I also likely did not do the best job taking care of myself beforehand in terms of getting enough rest and sleep while trying to maintain my schedule of being a law student, special education teacher, and runner, so my life activities

I didn’t just come down with what might have been a bad flu or a really bad cold. I had an existential crisis while doing it. For a few days, just having the time pass and just getting through the day felt much harder than it normally is. In the middle of the illness, I had a pre-planned flight to see my in-laws in Alabama. I had to suffer through the other half of my respiratory infection there and had to run to the bathroom every hour or so to cough up phlegm and mucus and frighten people around the house. I had to focus on getting better as much as possible so I was no longer contagious once people came over, and wore a mask in any public space, including on the plane or in the store.

It was not just the illness, but the complete halt or disruption to my life. I literally could not navigate daily life anymore with competence, even if I expected myself to. While I toned down on running or training with other illnesses, I still expected the same of myself cognitively, professionally, and academically. This cold or flu just knocked me on my ass and was a disruption that was most akin to the disruption the COVID-19 pandemic put on life five years ago, originally.

Right now, I feel like a normal person again who can engage in my daily life activities like running, which is fantastic. I was able to do a few six-mile runs and ran nine miles today. I am still not at 100%, but annoyingly around 96 or 97%. I still have a lingering cough and lingering mucus that makes me unable to run as fast as I want to or to my max capacity, and just have to blow my nose pretty frequently.

But in terms of having a growth mindset, I am much better than I was and did not have to go to the hospital or urgent care. Without question, this illness could have been significantly worse, and a lot of people do get it a lot worse, which I know I should express gratitude for.

I complain about the daily trials and tribulations of my daily responsibilities all the time, of which they feel substantial. But I am a lot luckier than I would like to admit and don’t suffer from any chronic health ailments, and this illness reminded me that being stressed, overwhelmed, and in the game or in the mix is much better than completely being sidelined and not being able to engage with life at all like I couldn’t do for a few days. My wife suffers from many chronic health conditions and is sick much more often than I am. I get pretty upset at myself when I am not the best or don’t achieve what I perceive to be my maximum potential. But this is yet another reminder that just being able to participate at all is a privilege.

Not being 100% in my running and not being able to run as long or fast as I usually do is still frustrating, as is the occasional coughing. I spent about an hour on runner forums searching things like “when will I feel better running after getting the flu.” I was sordidly disappointed by the results. Of course, this was not health advice, and no one on these forums was a doctor, but just other runners like myself. Many people expressed that they didn’t feel like their peak selves again for weeks. Others said to take it easy and slow down — people die from the flu every day. Obviously, this was all the opposite of what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear “I felt like I was going to die and was in bed all day and then I felt completely better three days later and ran personal bests in the 5k, 10k, and half marathon.”

I do want it to go away and for this illness to be over, but this has been a time where I had to recognize my limits and humanity, where I had to rely on others, like my wife. This is something I know will be okay long-term, but I realize I just take being able to go through life normally for granted, and I take my usual good health and youth for granted as well. But this illness has taught me that I won’t always be young, and I won’t always be healthy.

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This post was previously published on Ryan Fan’s blog.

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