When I was growing up, we didn’t get a lot of mixed messages about what it means to be a man (or a woman). Sure, ads told us that women could “bring home the bacon”, but then she was the one expected to “fry it up in a pan” (even though she’d been working all day). Oh, and also she should be wearing perfume and remember her man needs his sexy time. Women were supposed to be “feminine” and men were supposed to be…well, MANLY.
What did being “manly” mean? It was a pretty big umbrella of demands frankly, including being a good provider, dispensing sage discipline for the kids (“wait ‘til your father gets home”) and knowing how to fix things that are broken. But perhaps most of all, being a man meant being STRONG.
Not only physically strong but also emotionally strong (“real men don’t cry”) and spiritually strong (real men don’t cheat, lie, steal or run from responsibility). Strength of body, mind, and character then somehow culminated in the REAL test of manhood: HEROISM. “Women and children first” was not only a physical mandate but a moral one as well.
Being a good/strong man meant that you would run into a burning building, no questions asked. We talk a lot about the martyrdom of motherhood, and rightly so; consistently putting the needs and wants of our children before our own is considered not extraordinary but simply baseline mothering. Apart from saving our own offspring, who would really judge a woman for NOT putting her own life at risk (in the burning building scenario) like they would judge a man?
Although we can look back to the culture of, say, the 1950’s and agree that gender stereotypes have evolved and expanded exponentially since then, The nurturing female and strong male templates have remained pretty much intact. This “strong male” expectation has been detrimental not only to the self-esteem of men but also to male-female relations.
Men have it ingrained in their psyches that being “strong” is the same as being “good”, even the kindest, most present and compassionate man may feel like he is “not meeting the standard” if he is not able to “leap tall buildings in a single bound”. Meanwhile, a man with zero intimacy skills and the emotional intelligence of a radish may be frustrated as to why women aren’t fawning over his willingness to, for example, take physical risks on behalf of strangers. Both of these men are thwarted in their sincere attempts to be “good”; both because they have been told that “strong” and “good” are the same thing.
The fact that “heroism” is considered a requisite for “goodness” in the male paradigm is about as unreasonable and unfair as it gets. While this sort of broad, virtually unattainable stroke is almost the OPPOSITE of what most women are looking for, it is perpetuated in the media consistently. A woman I know recently recounted an episode of binge-watching romantic comedies, and she said what struck her most profoundly was the fact that in nearly every movie she watched, at some point the protagonist male was required to engage in a physical fight on the behalf of his beloved.
She and I agreed that we and other conscious, educated women we know would be horrified if a man we were involved with resorted to physical violence, even to defend our “honor”. Talk about mixed messages! Women, like men, want most of all to be HEARD and RESPECTED; punching someone else in the face on our behalf does not qualify as either.
This “Dragonslayer” mythology creates unrealistic expectations that cut both ways, making men feel inadequate and/or misunderstood and leaving women, most of whom have no need to be “rescued”, wondering why the men they care about are wearing a metaphorical suit-of-armor that shuts out the emotional vulnerability we crave.
So how do we close the gap?
I think parenting in general and fatherhood specifically are on the front lines for this; as more and more of us allow our sons their emotions and more and more fathers participate in both the hands-on duties traditionally left to mothers as well as emotional nurturing, the template will continue to shift for the better. Households less divided by the idea of “woman’s work” and “man’s work” open the playing field for gender equality and balanced living. Children who don’t grow up with the martyred mother/stoic father stereotypes are much less likely to perpetuate this standard, media messages be damned.
We certainly can and will raise a generation of young men who understand that emotions aren’t shameful and that strength of character is more impactful than physical strength, not only in interpersonal relationships but in community building and the workplace as well. For men who were not raised this way and are struggling to define what masculinity means to them, there is a greater challenge. Ironically perhaps, I believe the #MeToo movement has empowered good men as well as women; men who are now being validated that their respectful treatment of women is a true marker of “strength”, rather than the abusive bullying and sexism that had been venerated in the past, at least behind closed doors.
“Good Men” make women feel safe, not necessarily because they are willing to slay dragons but because they recognize and respect boundaries. “Good Men” make women feel cared for, not necessarily because they provide financially but because they support our voices and our dreams. “Good Men” are builders, not necessarily of houses or things, but of communities and cooperatives; a good man’s most invaluable qualities are his open mind and open heart and his understanding that these are the true definition of “strength” for both men and women.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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This is really a key point: “parenting in general and fatherhood specifically are on the front lines for this; as more and more of us allow our sons their emotions and more and more fathers participate in both the hands-on duties traditionally left to mothers as well as emotional nurturing, the template will continue to shift for the better.” Through fatherhood, I know that I became a man who was more emotionally in tune with my son and daughters. Strength comes from the everyday persistent action of being a father who provides for both the material and emotional needs of… Read more »