Rob and I had started with our current employer within a few days of each other nearly a decade ago, each of us at a similar point in our respective careers. Combined with the fact we also came from similar backgrounds we had quite a few things in common, and we quickly bonded. Also Rob is a very popular guy.
Our assignments took us to different locations across the country for a time and we had only began working together routinely about 5 years ago. It was going to be a good thing to be working together again.
. . .
I will pause this story and insert some useful context. At about this time I was falling into a depressive state far deeper than I had thought then, and I only realized the depth of this depression when I sought and starting receiving therapy about 2 and a half years ago.
Among the things I have discovered through therapy is how much I had made things difficult for the people in my life. I’ve accepted that there may be some with hard feelings still, I work to make amends but not at the expense of my journey to better mental health .
. . .
I was relieved that I would have such a good friend close by during difficult times. Just another guy I could relate to so well, to have friendly banter and share beer and pub grub with on occasions, talk about mutual interests, and basically just be friends. Certainly in times of distress, knowing people have your back is comforting.
The benefit of hindsight has shown that Rob and I had different views on the world at large and on our friendship. At times he had contempt, impatience, and occasionally hostility towards me. I took this personally, thinking I had done things to deserve this treatment. I valued this friendship and wanted to preserve it. If this sounds like an abusive situation to you, then we might agree.
One day Rob apologized to me for this behaviour, he confessed he was influenced by some destructive gossip that had negatively and unfairly influenced his opinions of me and several others. This had been going on for some time and it explained quite a lot of his behaviour. Our friendship was still intact and at the time I was relieved. To be objective, his behaviour towards me did indeed improve and he remains respectful to me.
Over time as my therapy improves my mental health, my self awareness, confidence, and self esteem improves along with it. I am less reliant on the acceptance of others for my well being, and I have greater clarity of my relationships and more realistic expectations of others.
With this greater clarity brings a greater awareness of others’ behaviours (my therapist calls this hyper-vigilance). I started noticing certain things that I found unsettling in Rob’s behaviour, things that did not square with my values and what I thought were his values also. I also started recalling some of the things he had said and done in the past: some dishonest acts, some ‘punching down’ on others, some low key comments that possibly betray some deep seated and cleverly disguised ‘isms’, and some very clever bullying. Again he is a popular guy and this seems to blind others and shield him from consequences, as this had blinded me for a time also.
More recently in conversation he talked about something I think is arrogance and a sense of entitlement. A neighbour had alerted him to a white contractor van parked on the street for a few minutes in the late afternoon. He approached the driver who was on his cell phone in the drivers seat and told him to “move along” rather forcefully, acting as an authority figure and neighbourhood tough guy I guess on the public street. One might be inclined to give Rob the benefit of the doubt for being a concerned neighbour, but I see it differently.
He is used to getting his own way, used to being at the center of attention, and in my opinion has always put his wants and needs much too far above those of all others to be practical or even sustainable. He places himself upon the shoulders of so many. Without getting into it too deep, it is fair to say such people are not my friends.
So ended this friendship, not with a bang, not even with a fart. Just ended like a candle running out of wax. This story of his just seemed to tie every little thing into one tidy bundle.
. . .
I do not consider this a loss for me, as I was never his equal in his mind and probably never would be. Along the way I will likely discover there are more ‘Robs’ in my surroundings, and I will not feel any loss when I do. As long as we share space I will continue to treat him with courtesy and dignity as far as he deserves. No doubt this friendship or whatever it was may have served a purpose once.
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.
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