Guys — Why All The “Feedback”?

I was initially prompted to take up the pen by a tweet from Dr Emily Setty, Senior Lecturer in Criminology at the University of Surrey. In truth, it could have been any number of incidents, and they keep pouring in.

From cat-calling on the street to ‘constructive criticism’ at work, some men can’t help themselves. Apparently, women need to hear what they think, whether they approve, and how we might make ourselves more appealing/credible/fill in the blank.

But please, guys, before you stomp off muttering that you “can’t say anything these days”, look at some of this so-called feedback and hear me out.

…

First, cat-calling — let’s give it its real name — Public Street Harassment, isn’t a compliment; that’s why there’s a hashtag #CrimeNotCompliment. While I’m not saying every shout-out on the street should land you in handcuffs, that there is a hashtag and a movement to stop it tells you how much women don’t like it. While walking to work, we’re not interested in how many gazes we attract. When we get to the office, we don’t need a daily comment on how well our clothes fit.

I’ve written about it before, so pop over for my responses to all the usual “Yes but…” comments.

As writer Mary Morgan wrote a few years ago:

“It never is [a compliment] because compliments do not incite fear. Catcalls give women pangs of anxiety. I’ve never complimented someone by shouting across a street at them, or driving slowly alongside them.”

Let’s assume you don’t believe you use PSH as a power move. If you regularly and loudly appraise women for shits & giggles, please ask yourself why? It typically doesn’t work as a pick-up line, leaving most women annoyed, scared or feeling like a piece of meat. (By the way, older women who “wish it still happened” — cut that out!) So guys, why the need to communicate your approval?

More interestingly, what do you think will happen if she never hears it?

…

Then we have feedback when it’s specifically not asked for, like when this Tweeter posted a photo of her new haircut to show her friends. She didn’t say, “Whaddya think?” but got the feedback anyway. Mostly positive (mainly from women), but some downright mean or creepy.

“Your hair still demands too much attention and distracts away from your very lovely face — suggest you cut again to halve existing hair volume. Good luck.”

“hi pretty young lady x.”

When she called out the negative feedback the next day, she got “That’s life” from many guys. “Either take the comments or don’t post.” (The third option, calling it out, didn’t seem viable to them.) Responses included-

“It may be unfortunate, but asking for comments on your looks is gonna bring ’em, for better or worse!” and continued with, “That’s not ok. But it’s an open platform, and with respect, that seems a bit naive, the post naturally invites comment. What we’re [sic] you looking for, just a few likes?” (Naturally invites comment … . Sigh)

“Surely you must realise that there’ll always be those who write bad or ugly things.” Followed by, “We don’t have a right to not feel ‘uncomfortable’. Nor should we. It’s such an overwhelmingly entitled view.” (Yes, ladies, if men post offensive comments, you’re overwhelmingly entitled if you call it out.)

“And the overwhelmingly vast majority didn’t do this.” (The overwhelming majority don’t commit crimes, but we still take action. This guy likes “overwhelmingly”, doesn’t he?)

When I weighed in (of course I did) to suggest they could be allies by agreeing with the poster and not suggesting she ‘puts up with it’, they doubled down on the ‘entitlement’ of expecting respect on Twitter.

In its crudest form, the feedback comes in the “I would” variety, signalling that the woman is f***able. Even worse is “I still would …” implying that even though a guy disagrees with everything the woman says or does, she’s still useful for one thing. On which planet would that ever be considered a compliment?

…

Similarly, guys who chime in with “Attagirls” — What’s your purpose? Don’t get me wrong, everyone likes positive feedback, but it’s not always needed. It can come across as another form of man-validating-woman, particularly if you don’t add a meaningful point to the discussion.

I’ve had —

“This is a well-argued piece…”
“You explain this very well ….”

… and then nothing. What do I say to that other than “Thanks”? Is that what you want? Are you fishing for thanks to fill a gaping hole? (Lots to think about, guys.)

We’re interested in counter-arguments if we research and write something, but not usually whether you like our style. And we certainly don’t need a lecture on what we ‘really meant’ or predictions on what will ‘make us feel uncomfortable’. (See opening tweet)

Worse still is when you agree with something and then repackage it in a comment that ends up longer than the original post! I’m sure you think you’re validating the original opinions, but it puts the writer in the position of having to say, “I just said that”, which can make us look petty. If it’s a piece on this platform, dump a load of claps as appreciation.

…

As a man reading this, you might feel slightly aggrieved and think, “Jeez, I was only trying to …. “

Trying to what? Compliment her (in other words, make her feel better)?

The thing is, it often has the opposite effect. We may be feeling fantastic already, and the unsolicited, irrelevant feedback can bring us right down. As I’ve explained, public ‘appreciation’ of our appearance isn’t usually a positive experience for us. But similarly, jumping in with an unsolicited appraisal of what we’ve said or written (without an accompanying discussion point) can often diminish us too.

Unless you’re grading our papers or have been asked for tips, voicing your approval without adding to the debate can feel like a patronizing pat on the head. Show your appreciation by adding to the topic of discussion, asking questions or even disagreeing with the writer.