Around my family, I enveloped myself in layers the way a sari drapes around my body. As I dance through each of my cousin’s weddings, it’s no surprise when I’m stopped by an auntie asking if I’m ready to get married. Naturally, I smile as wide as a rangoli, explaining that I’m more focused on my career. In reality, I’m bi-sexual and the Punjabi community I’ve grown up in has held tightly to conservative views with their lack of acceptance towards the LGBTQ community.
No one in my family has ever suspected a thing because everyone has followed a path seasoned with tradition. We’re from a village in Punjab, India where farming builds the foundation of the state. Unlike the evergreen fields that are rich with wheat crops and eucalyptus trees, people tend to stick to their roots rather than flourish from the cultural norms.
Questioning the standards
Growing up in America, my parents tried their best to instill Sikh practices into my day-to-day life. We went to our local temple every Sunday and made our name known by showing up to every celebration (weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc.). As time went on, those expectations were marred by my dad’s health ailments and my mother’s increasing workload at the factory. How could they keep a watchful eye when one is hopped up on medication and the other is working through nights to keep a roof over our heads?
As fun as it was to be a part of the community, I couldn’t help but question every step of the process. The kids I grew up with at the temple seemed intent on following their parents’ shadows to avoid disappointing them but I was more interested in cultivating my own light.
For years I denied myself the luxury of challenging these allusive guidelines. I went to school and lived in a neighborhood where no one looked like me and followed their own beliefs. Each friend I made came with a newfound set of religious values and lifestyles. Think about Holi and how people are splattered with colored powder all over their clothes, that’s the beauty of growing up in America. You’re surrounded by an array of people where you pick out your favorite views and add them to your collection of thoughts.
Acting upon my sexuality
As I saw more classmates from school come out as gay, I began to wonder how they realized it. Was it through action or thoughts? During the first few decades of my life, I allowed myself to be curious about women while having boyfriends. When I turned 21 and started working at Forever21, I acted upon those thoughts and began pursuing a female colleague of mine. Our time together opened me up, resembling a lotus flower in bloom. I realized that I fell on a scale where I enjoyed both men and women.
A year later, I traded my trendy mall job to work for a logistics company in downtown Dallas. This new job in the city allowed me to have space from my family in the suburbs as I began to date women. My life revolved around bar-hopping in the gay-berhoods (Dallas’s nickname for the LGBTQ part of the scene), going to lesbian happy hours, and meeting new women who matched the attraction I showed.
I was playing the field, dating all kinds of women, and learning more about the community I spent most of my life wondering about. Each time I went on a date with a woman, my confidence grew and blossomed just like the myriads of mustard flowers that dotted the fields of Punjab. For years I was able to master the perfect Indian daughter who doted on my parents’ needs at home while being the out-spoken, bi-sexual beauty who loved women as much as men.
Opening up
Naturally, I began to loosen up, allowing myself to unravel as I continued dating men and women. I didn’t have an emotional coming out to my friends. I simply stated that I was seeing a woman and they accepted it with grace. My friends were not surprised by my bi-sexuality. Even my colleagues had no sense of shock when I would run into them on my escapades with women. People naturally assumed I fell on the spectrum which ended up creating a safe space for my sexuality both with my friends and at work.
Once the pandemic was in full swing and I had to embrace working from home, I began to realize the full extent of my bisexuality. For the last 6 years, I’ve been able to mask myself from my parents to where they never question my intentions. Effortlessly, I’d commute to Dallas and have my fun only to come home as a seemingly traditional Punjabi girl. This double life I created started to gnaw at me, tangling up the work I put in to accept myself in the LGBTQ community.
Ultimately, I opened up to my older brother last summer, and to my surprise, he was very supportive. My brother revealed that he had no trace of shock. He felt bad that it took me 26 years to tell him about my affliction and was excited at the idea of us going out together to hit on women. Although my brother is too straight to enter a gay bar with me, I felt such peace knowing that someone in my home knew the real me.
Is my sexuality a secret?
Telling my brother gave me the audacity to open up to one of my cousins on my dad’s side of the family this past weekend. My cousin didn’t say much about it because he wasn’t bothered by it. At first, I was suspicious that my brother had told our cousin but it turns out that my closet is made of glass.
To my amazement, every time I tell people I’m bi-sexual no one seems astounded by the news. I’m flocked with all kinds of questions about my journey and admiration towards my way of life. In their eyes, it’s obvious that I’m in the LGBTQ world because of how open I am about myself. I guess when you spend so much time questioning your sexuality, you can’t help but be more colorful in social situations.
Slowly but surely, I’m gathering the much needed courage to tell my parents along with the rest of my family. I know it’ll take time but the longer I’m cooped up in this house, the more I feel the need to be honest. After all, I’m not a criminal, I’m just bi-sexual.
Thank you so much for reading friends! Below are similar articles I’ve written about being bi-sexual. Happy Pride!!!
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Author; an old but colorful bangle collection of mine