Have You Strayed From This Important Human Quality?

In the mid-1970s a homeless Italian immigrant named Ted Strollo stepped off a curb in downtown Los Gatos, California.

It nearly cost him his life.

Across the street, my father watched as a distracted driver ran the red light and collided with Strollo, launching him nearly twenty feet down the pavement.

Passersby screamed at the sight of Strollo’s limp, bleeding body, crumpled like a rag doll. Others joined my dad in coming to Strollo’s aid.

Dad sat on the street, holding Strollo’s hand and whispering encouragements until the police and paramedics arrived. Dad provided a witness statement and learned from officers that Strollo was a local, homeless man.

It was a day off for my Dad, who was an Administrative Law Judge in San Francisco. Dad’s job was stressful, conducting hearings and rendering technical decisions in multimillion-dollar public utility cases.

Dad’s weekends were important to him, as they provided downtime with family to recharge, read, and rest. And yet on this particular day of running errands, he found himself driving to the hospital, to do what he could to help Strollo.

The most essential quality of civilization

Ted Strollo lived in a cabin he built deep in the woods above Los Gatos. He used to drink acorn coffee and lived simply.

After the accident, my father continued to visit Strollo in the hospital. Then Dad brought him home, where he and my mother spent weeks nursing him back to health.

Dad used his legal skills to obtain state benefits for Strollo, as well as a small apartment in town. Dad visited Strollo weekly, and every Christmas Dad and I would bring socks, cookies, and other small gifts to Strollo.

“Can you imagine what it must be like for Mr. Strollo?” Dad once said to me, adding, “He’s an elderly man with no family, no job, and few resources. I think it’s important that we have empathy for others. Especially those in need.”

I believe empathy is the most essential quality of civilization. — Roger Ebert

The way my mother and father cared for Strollo and helped him the rest of his life taught me volumes about empathy. About the importance of listening to, understanding, and helping others.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary offers the following definition of empathy:

The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

What would society look like if more people embraced empathy?

To perceive is to suffer

Empathy comes at a cost.

It takes time, energy, and focus to care about other people. Listening and truly understanding the views and feelings of others may challenge your views and feelings. It can be uncomfortable, but it can also help you grow.

To perceive is to suffer. — Aristotle

Life is easier when we cocoon ourselves in familiar, comfortable beliefs and dogma. Especially if we surround ourselves with like-minded people, places, and media resources.

Intellectual and emotional echo chambers make us feel like we have all the answers.

But we don’t.

The truth often lies somewhere in the middle. And one way to find the truth is to develop empathy for others. It’s not always easy, but doing so will help us perceive more.

In the long run, empathy helps us become better people.

Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy

The other day I listened to two customers in a coffee shop talking past each other.

They were arguing about politics, and neither was interested in understanding the other person’s perspective. They seemed mostly to be parroting talking points, to win the discussion.

Imagine if one of them said, “Hey, let me buy you that coffee. Come sit down. I’d love to know where you’re from, what you do, and how you came to view the world the way you do.”

Imagine the insights such an approach would provide. Not to mention, the rapport and goodwill it would foster. The other person just might become disarmed and more open to listening.

Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection — or compassionate action. — Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

Yes, some people hold abhorrent views that we find deeply offensive. There will always be extremists on the fringes of society.

But what about everyone else?

Since when did it become okay to dismiss good people just because they don’t agree with our politics, opinions, or point of view? Where does political orientation end and sanctimoniousness begin?

Why do we embrace dogma, rhetoric, and egocentrism over compromise and unity?

Why have we abandoned empathy?

Could a greater miracle take place?

The elderly woman in front of you on your morning commute is driving interminably slow.

You’re going to be late for work, so you begin honking and yelling at her. What’s wrong with her, you think to yourself.

Well, what’s wrong with her is that her husband of thirty-five years just died of cancer. He always drove her to the grocery store, but now she’s alone and has to do it herself.

She’s frightened. She drives slow because she’s out of practice and cautious. The more you honk, the more intimidated and scared she becomes. The question isn’t “what’s wrong with her?” but rather “what’s wrong with you?”

Everyone is fighting their own private battles.

The following short video from the Cleveland Clinic drives home this point with searing poignancy.

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Each of us has the opportunity to fight back against the coarsening of society. By showing our children, like my father and mother did, what empathy is. By truly listening to others, judging less, and helping more.

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? — Henry David Thoreau

Have you strayed from empathy lately?

I’m sure I have from time to time. I guess we all do because even the best of us stumble here and there.

But imagine what society would look like if we re-committed to empathy. If we tried harder to see the world through the eyes of others.

That’s the kind of society I’d like to live in.

Before you go

I’m John P. Weiss. I draw cartoons, take pictures, and write elegant articles about life. For more, check out my Saturday Letters here.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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Illustrations by John P. Weiss