He Made His Girlfriend End Her Friendships With Her Guy Friends: Is He Controlling or Insecure?

I’ve never understood why guys feel insecure when their girlfriends have guy best friends until Kelvin let me in on how men’s brain work.

Kelvin has been my business partner for four years now and he recently got engaged. We talk about everything, including our weird habits. Kelvin is one of the guys I’m totally comfortable with sharing my secrets and the same goes for him. Our relationship is more like that of siblings than professional.

So if you’re talking about besties of the opposite sex, Kelvin and I pretty much match that list. But the sad news is that Kelvin won’t allow his fiancé to have a male best friend. When I referenced our relationship, he said “ours is different.”

“How so?” I asked, mockingly.

“I see you as my guy friend. I know nothing can ever happen between us,” he said.

“Oh, I don’t see you as my girl — iend.” I quickly interjected. “I see you as my brother.”

“That’s what I mean. Our relationship is different. We both know we can never be sexually intimate. And that is why I share everything about me with you,” he said.

I should have been flattered by Kelvin’s trust in me. But I felt something wasn’t right with him not trusting his girlfriend around other guys as much as he trusted me around himself.

“I’m confused, Kelvin. If you trust me to handle having a guy close friend, what makes you think your girlfriend cannot handle a guy best friend?”

Now this is where our conversation got intriguing.

Kelvin said he not only trust me to maintain my boundaries, but he also trust himself not to step over his boundaries with me.

You see, Kelvin said a guy keeps a female best friend with the hope of having a chance with her. And some will keep pushing through the girl’s boundaries until she falls for him or cut him out of her life if she can no longer handle his advances.

For once, that made sense why guys are suspicious of their girlfriend’s male bestie. Although some people have succeeded in keeping relationships with the opposite sex neutral, I would say the ratio is 1:10.

Maintaining Boundaries with Male Best Friends

When you’re a woman with a male best friend, people will think that you’re up to something. For most of my life, I have kept more close male friends than the average lady.

While every friendship is different, it should be clear after you get to know each other well enough that you are not trying to take your friendship to a more intimate level.

Sometimes this requires an honest conversation, which can be uncomfortable if you’re not on the same page.

Learning to communicate effectively can change the rules of the game for both platonic and romantic relationships. But if you need a little help clearing up feelings for your male best friend, here’s what you can do.

Limit one-on-one hangout

Most women like to keep their male bestie as close as their girlfriends. Sometimes they take their best friend everywhere they go.

Hanging out too often with your guy bestie might give other people the impression that you two are more than just friends. And guy may begin to feel that he has earned the place to be the love of your life.

So if you don’t want to send the wrong impression, keep your hang out to the minimum or go out in groups to avoid messing things up.

Stop getting too touchy with him

You might not be into each other now but feelings grow. The more you spend time with someone, the more you get comfortable doing everything else with them.

This is why most people in a committed relationship don’t like their partner to be best friends with the opposite sex.

It might be tempting to hug your best friend or rest your head on his shoulder, but that will bridge the gap between friends and lovers.

Sure, he’s the perfect substitute for when you need a date, but don’t treat him like a substitute boyfriend and accuse him of getting the wrong idea.

Don’t give unsolicited advice

When you have best friends, you always want to take care of each other. But if that best friend is a guy, things can get messy when you poke around his intimate relationships.

To keep your platonic best friend where you want him to be, you need to respect his boundaries so that he can respect yours.

If he’s not asking you for advice, just shut up and listen.

Believe me; if he wants your opinion, he will ask for it. That way he’ll know that you two can’t be anything more than friends.

Don’t allow him to defend you from other guys every time

One of the annoying things guy besties do is be your night in shining armor every single time another guy shows interest in you.

I understand that he is watching you. But if you let him do it constantly, other guys will stay away from you, believing he’s your boyfriend. And eventually, your bestie will get the idea that he’s the best man for you and no one else.

Sometimes tell him to back off and speak up for yourself. Your guy friend should know that you make space for other guys to woo you.

To prevent him from being hurt, make sure you are honest and truthful with him about your intentions for the friendship the next time he interferes in your affairs with other guys.

Don’t talk about the type of men you like to date

Male friends should be treated differently than female friends, especially if you think there is an attraction on his side.

With girlfriends, you can tell them the type of men you like, and they will either make fun of you or commend your choice.

But to guys, they get the impression that you want them to be more than friends if they already have those qualities or you want them to change to become your man.

So if you don’t want to confuse your best friend into thinking you have a deep feeling for him, when you don’t, limit what you discuss with him.

Closing thoughts

Some people have found their life partner in their best friends. So there is nothing wrong if your feeling for each grows. But it has to be mutual.

If it’s not, and your best friend gets the wrong idea and makes a move on you, don’t act completely disgusted and push him away. You don’t have to be rude about it; just turn down his proposal gently.

You may need to clarify things, what your expectations are and what you want to achieve from the relationship. If you only want friendship, just say so. If he doesn’t accept your terms, then he isn’t the right best friend for you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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